LYfe is wEiRd...

2009-05-11T08:43:00.001-07:00

this girl is super pretty and her voice is totally the bomb as well! but really... when i looked into the full video, something very new about worship sprung up in me. about how the song is literally draggy and all she does is drags her voice over it all. and using the hall's natural reverb and echo to echo it all around. i understood a little more about how God really uses YOU, in her case, her voice itself, to draw people to him.. even the lyrics and style of the way this song is sung is very worship and "crying out" oriented.. beautiful stuff. it did make me cry.. but of course its obvious why, at my current state. a lot has happened recently.

Thank God for showing me this at such an apprioprate time, he is the God of Grace.

2009-04-17T11:28:00.000-07:00

it just occurred to me that

even Jesus fell while carrying his own cross. Jesus is so much more like me than i thought..

2009-04-12T06:43:00.000-07:00

urghh these few weeks i honestly dont have the mood to blog though many many many things have happened. and many many things have struck me.

remembering what pkm said on inaug night once again, this time im denying myself for my sake:)

so it starts from orientation on 31st march. the worst orientation ever in terms of programme and planning.... too much waiting and wasting away. but my class was overly enthu! if it were my jc class attending this, everyone would have ponned after the 1st day. but this class made me attend, surprisingly! and though we wasted away, we wasted away together. (what does that mean anyway.) all in all, it was important still because of the new classmates and the course briefing. im fully sure this course is what i want to do... and while i may have second thoughts on NYP, whether SP or TP would have been a better choice, im sure this course is the right one, and that should come first always.

that same week i had an intensive time of playing for worship because of the 2 adults' service for palm sunday and trackers grad night. was very tiring!! i think im getting shorter because i keep carrying the guitar and bass around, its quite sian. and recently too i've been having many impressions of just enjoying worship, the music and the flow and playing up on stage because it is something to be proud of after all, all the many prayers of humility and submission has given me an impression that i'm reduced to nothing but a mere tool. i am a tool for God, but im not a mere tool, no. i chose to be there and i know God credits those who serve him according to his heart and desire for honouring Him... this would also help me burn out less...

speaking of burn out, because school hasnt started and because im now more... stripped, i havent burned out in a long time, ptl:) also able to volunteer more on sundays which i dont commit to, which is quite a blessing!

so trackers 09 has ended, another batch graduated. recalling the days before my time at 08, indeed God has been faithful throughout! and at grad night my heart just poured out with joy because i've witnessed another batch of youth once again, on fire and totally devoted to God. it is a rare thing to see, especially within our local churches. and very very encouraging of course. i will strive much more to maintain that vulnerable heart all of them have, one that is always open to God's direction and leading. one that always surrenders, always yields, always prays and desires to honour God more than anything else. and it was such a new thing to me last year, to be really literally down at the feet of Jesus, pleading and petitioning for the change in ourselves, his will in our lives, personal revival and so on. i love this, i love God and the wonderful work he has done in people's lives.. the many fantastic testimonies from all of us as individuals indeed compile up a volume of God's faithfulness. it is totally right to brand trackers as a journey of faith!
hahahah now many (ok not so many) 08 friends are talking about how i've been DIFFERENT because of trackers 09! ahhaa nono my life changed in 08 so 08 will always be more remembered! but peeps from 09 has blessed me tremendously, in terms of growth... man i've spent a total of 4 months excluding internship of my life just doing bible study and 2 mission trips.. cant believe it, that God really placed these plans ahead of me and let it all fall nicely to align with the free time i have since poly starts much later.

so i went back again to sengkang primary on tuesday and wednesday to help out, i must say slowly the kids are growing on me, their smiles and their faces which i have seen so often since the week before. but all in all, im still not into this ministry yet, just making myself available to do what i can. hmm doing what i can has been quite a main theme of this year for me. for trackers, it started like that. doing what i can, for pkm and the mentors. for the help at sengkang primary as internship as well. for grad night, even for ministry in agape... whenever i can, i do.. but of course im more aware of my breaking points nowadays, and have been saying no to some things as well... the only time i broke that "doing what i can do" attitude was during the mission trip since the mission trip was for a purely deliberate cause. i had to break all that down and determine why i went to myanmar.

and on thursday, i spent it with the trackers crashing matthias house at 7am for his bday! cant believe i left house at 600 la! i was insane hahaha. but because all of the trackers guys will be going off to tekong this week, i really felt like seeing them before it all ends. and i know, i know once army starts its more or less the end for trackers to meet up at fixed timings. its super difficult to maintain such relationships especially when we move on all together in our lives, meeting different groups of people and changing as individuals as well. but the important thing i've learned is to REMEMBER. to REMEMBER the great times spent with each person, to remember how that person has touched you, and also how God has used him/her. its not really about meeting up all the time when it comes to maintaining relationships... i still remember each tracker i've invested time in in 08...

in the aft, i went to pass my stupid basic theory evaluation. cant believe we actually HAVE to study for it... considering i failed the first time. stupid stupid stupid evaluation!! think im gonna give driving a break after btt, its really quite a waste of time.

then went out with kaixiang and jacob in the afternoon, my cell mates who are most neglected.. i've been wanting and waiting for an opportunity as well, and it came when they asked me first:) so i just went around walking and wasting time with them, asking them stuff along the way... it was still a good time of fellowship and i know, i know and understand and empathise exactly what they lack in church. went to maundy thursday service together, and once again got touched by God and how he did such a lame thing- washing of the disciples' feet even when he knew he was going to die soon. he just HAD to "demonstrate the full extend of his love", and that is servanthood. i just cannot imagine honestly, how

"Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God
so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. ⁵After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples' feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him." John 13:3-5

keyword: "so".

Jesus knew he had power and authority, SO he washed his disciples' feet.
does that make any sense to you at all?? its totally contradictory right? such is the love of God, the one trait that makes Jesus different from all other beliefs and religions. LOVE AND SERVICE is second nature to him!! this revelation opened my eyes to YET another perspective of God... one i cannot fully grasp. i understand that i can never understand. not yet.

the LCEC washed the congregation's feet that night, to those who were willing to humble themselves to being washed. and humility is mutual, Jesus demonstrated humility to his disciples, but it also takes humility to let Jesus wash your feet, just like Peter who was so embarassed to let him wash his feet... i was surprised Pastor got down so quickly and easily as well, becoming a professional foot washer the very moment he left the pulpit.

and after friday's good friday service was caleb's bday celebration.. haha the clique's bday outings are getting more fun, especially at night when yanling and samuel got really high and we all started taking stupid photos! caleb also towards the later part of the night. and i rly cant believe the guys of our clique srsly, enping caleb samuel daniel u guys are SICKK la hahaha. crapp i shall pretend we didnt even TALK during that night. hahah really enjoy it whenever there are stayovers. i still havent treated them to ice cream.. sometime in the future!

and on saturday, stayed over at night at church with kiat and tracy lois and sistle. i think it was a good time for me to just review how seriously am i treating christianity, and more importantly Jesus' death on the cross.. it is after all, the basis for our faith. if there was no cruxifiction, there would be no forgiveness and righteousness. if there was no resurrection, there would be no victory in our lives after being forgiven... its a fantastic before-after plan, and both work hand in hand. more on this tomorrow!!!

2009-03-27T09:52:00.000-07:00

you stand aside.
you play the lowest frequency.
you play the simplest stuff, though you are capable of much more.
everyone asks you to tone down, but in actual fact they are much louder than you.
everyone acknowledges your importance, but nobody acknowledges your skill.
but you know you have the power to make or break the team. you know you are an asset.
you are always felt but never heard.
you are a bassist :)

God thank you, for this gift.

2009-03-26T05:47:00.000-07:00

this week has been awesome... though ya more than half of it was kinda unprepared and stuff.. but it really got better as it progressed.

this week i've committed myself to help out at a primary school as internship, because i didnt want to be doing nothing.. despite pastor's warning of burn out and serving so much though (everyone) hopes i'm resting well and preparing for the next phase of life, i still went ahead to take up this internship for this week. basically, we organised basketball matches on the primary school court and arty farty activities for the kids during their recesses, with the intention of building relationships with them. im very encouraged by the seed God had planted in guo nian, wei chiang and jason as they planned the activities and all to really help the kids. its like, i didnt really feel that kind of compassion for the children, misled and little as they are, i couldnt look into the future, what kind of impact we'd be having on them when they grow up. but i had fun with them still, interacting and listening to their jokes and stories.

that was in the primary school. yesterday, i went to another location in this place called Djoy. it was an after school care for children, and i think most of them came from dysfunctional families..
it was then that i saw a whole new bunch of other kids, naughty, impatient, hyper active and really disobedient. i manhandled a boy out of a room because he refused to get out when he wasnt meant to be there. talked to a boy who screamed into another boy's ear and was unwilling to apologize. talked to the boy who was crying because he got screamed at, and was totally unwilling to forgive, even if the other boy did apologize.

but one thing caught me here, i asked him if he thought he was a good boy. he said no. at least he acknowledged humans are all naughty at times! but when i told him thats why everyone needs forgiveness, he remained silent. to forgive is really difficult, even though you know its good and you also want to let go of painful thoughts and memories..

and lastly, helped an elderly aunty clear up her home. well.. not really cause she doesnt want her home to be cleared. her 2 room flat was stacked full of rubbish she picks up everywhere!! like totally, up to the ceiling. worse than BB's sharity gift box! ok imagine this: your storeroom.
its full of extra stuff lying around right? but all stacked neatly and high in the storeroom. almost like a neat junkyard. and that's just one small room tucked away in some corner of your beautiful house.
her house WAS the storeroom. all the plastic bags with extra stuff inside. some of them were damp and wet with I-DONT-KNOW-WHAT-THAT-LIQUID-IS, some of them dusty and laden with cockroach shit, all junk. spoilt rice cookers, fans, cans, etc. cockroaches running everywhere, just like that. and she blocked up all her rooms with junk that she could only sleep on the small space of floor in the living room. my friends spent the whole of last week clearing the living room, and when i went there, we were clearing the kitchen. and the other 2 rooms were still packed full of junk. how could anyone live in that crap! it was worse than a slum! all the insects running around, the smell!
altogether, we emptied about 30 HUGE TRASH BAGS OF RUBBISH from her unit. it was hard work and im sure i lost so much weight, more than all the basketball playing this entire week. when we left the aunty alone after walking with her to sell off her load of cans (they paid her 2.10bucks for that), we said a prayer for her. it was after that that she wept and told us about how her son couldnt take care of her. (he'd come "home" occasionally to smoke and sleep for a day or two before disappearing again) she was usually cheery and happy, and stubborn about us throwing away her stuff, but at that time she revealed the crux of why she lived in that dump, that her son didnt take care of her, so she basically had to make a living with that junk. just that sometimes, shes so weak she cant even walk to sell off those stuff..

so i encountered both the young and old this week, and all along i tried to keep the attitude of "doing the work of which the father has sent me", and not think of many things that may have made me sidetrack, but the second verse that kept popping up in my mind was "train a child in a way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." (proverbs 22:6) and "remember your creator in the days of your youth" (ecc 12:1)

and i kept thinking of how it is so easy to backslide over the many years of our lives. how our hearts can be so hardened over years of hiding/ fleeing from acknowledgement of our need for God, wallowing in our own self-created Gods, weird ideologies, thinkings and thoughts. eg, like how that old woman thought she owned a lot (because she could sell them), when it was all junk. how if we dont keep remembering our creator, eventually we would forget him, and subconciously make ourselves other Gods which we wont even be aware of, and drifting away from the one true love. then we'll be caught in our own world satan made for us, of hopelessness, of discouragement, of nonchalence. "no use one la", "its always the same", "life sucks".

and such adults exist. i know some of them..
seeds are sown but not all of it falls on fertile ground, and wastes away. anyone can believe in Jesus christ and be saved, but not many remain in Him, and allow Him to remain in them, before bearing fruit, fruit that will last. (john 15:5)

that gave me my heart for the children, that it is so important that they are trained in a way they should go, and that from the word of God.
and if they do not, what will happen? will they become like the son who left his mom alone to collect junk and make a living? will they have children and leave them in the lurch so they become impatient, violent, and disobedient?

it is just so different when you are there yourself, to see the aunty's tears, to see and smell her house, to communicate with children, good or bad. Christ loves them all and so should we. and it has been a great experience, though i know i havent been still before the Lord enough times because im way too tired this week. i still need to learn to be the Mary.

also, got to interact more with the trackers once again, with weichiang, guo nian, jason, ashley, lynnette, gareth, matthias and tiffany. another group of ppl that adds more dimension to trackers 09 for me:) im truly blessed in many ways from each of their lives.. OH and lois and janice though i see them every week:) and dionne and her friends, thanks for volunteering!

God please continue to show me what your plans for me are, and what i can take home from this week of internship. and help me to be mary, to just be silent and sit at your feet, because only one thing is needed. (luke 10: 41-42)

In Each Hand A Cutlass, a local band...
their music is awesome, very alternative with the ambient keyboard and guitar sounds.. the very genre i'm in love with! totally drives me high! this is the kind of sound! pls hear it ppl! its kinda a half dream to be able to play in such a band like this live. besides enjoying the stage, you enjoy the music while playing... whoaa. after some thought, i distinguished the kinds of bands that i like already. usually people just put everything they listen to, but i want to be specific and not just throw out jason mraz (yux) or jonas brothers (yuxors) or paramore. here goes! in no order of merit!

coldplay,
dream theatre,
muse,
linkin park (i chose my childhood rock band well),
paramore,
anberlin,
abitof U2,
incubus,
maksim,
circa survive.

i know i have more to add to the list, but havent really sifted out yet because music is such a diverse thing these days, post rock/post hardcore/ alternative metal/ progressive metal/ alternative rock/pop/ hardrock is totally mixed these days. generally stuff that sounds technically difficult, awesome with creative elements, ambient/weird, heavy but musical.

2009-03-20T09:14:00.000-07:00

saying goodbye is scary.

today i sent a long-time church friend off to country X. She wasnt a very close friend, not to mention she only started coming back to church not long ago. and i regret not catching up with her enough, to make her more comfortable in church once again, and just hanging out because somehow, even after years of change and growth, i feel like she's family.
and in such long-lost friend cases, usually people would move on without thinking of much, just like in slumdog millionaire, how the brother treated latika as dead, as a long lost friend, and moved on with his life.
but no, when i reflected and remember how i used to talk with her online, even after she left church, the occasional HIs and casual chit chat, there was something in me that urged me to it, time and again. i have a soft spot for my friends who knew God once, i think. and now she's (i think) in country X, going to start life all over again for the next ___ years. leaving her troubles, problems, worries and everything for now, and moving on as well.
when she told me how she kept photos of the last event we had together as memories, my heart kind of broke. it was barely a few months of reunion after years, and only one encounter of going out together, and she was already feeling like there is something to remember here amongst the church people..
i really dont know what probed me to do it, but i really went down to the airport so early this morning (of course i arranged for a car ride, thanks alan!). i dont know if its a kind of guilt i felt, or the times when i held many grudges and anger against her when i was still much younger and kinda hated her in the past (she was my childhood arch enemy), and forgot, but never forgave her.
Or perhaps God is really giving me a portion of his heart recently. i've realised slowly that im able to feel for individuals lately... i felt a friend's heart broke and her fears when she was praying. i felt another friend's sorrow and loneliness in a mission trip when she was sick and had to be "quarantined". i felt compassion for a nation. i talked more to someone in church who was constantly neglected.. i sat down and prayed with another who had issues with his future. i sat to eat with a once backslided friend who STILL feels neglected. i used my failing example as a gauge for my parent's. i havent done such stuff before! it is truly the spirit that leads and enables! and slowly but subtly, i think i've been making small but deliberate effort to feed the hungry, clothe the naked. to sit and eat with the rejected, lonely and outcasted. slowly but subtly, my eyes are being opened to things and needs i've never seen before. perhaps God has given me this 'tainted identity' now for his greater purpose? perhaps he has plans that are subtly forming up and solidifying.

i did a search on "it is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick" and i found verses from matt, luke and mark. but i shall use the one from matt because of the additional phrase that i highlighted. by the way, jesus was eating with the sinners and despised people of society.

Matt 9: 11-13
When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, "Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and 'sinners'?"

On hearing this, Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice. For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."

firstly, Jesus didnt come to screw the sinners up. no, he came to lead them to repentance, which is by no means a painful trial in which you confess everything and make yourself worthy to repeat all the bad sins again, no. repentance simply means, finding the way back to God. therefore, Jesus' ministry was specifically to call the sinners.

in modern day context, 'sinners' has become too serious a word. we despise such people and they are condemned, assiociated with vices like sex, drugs, rock and roll, and so on. but no, the 'sinners' here simply referred to people who were more lost than anything else. the sick, not the healthy, who needs healing in his soul/heart.

this verse struck me hard in more than just one way. it was really jesus' mission to save the lost, heal the sick. specifically, the rejected, neglected and outcasts of society. it could have been anything else! to save the world. to heal all the sick. but it was specifically that! just to the lost!

and in the church, shouldnt we be making a more deliberate effort to reach to the outcasts? in a book i've read, it is researched that the more left-out people in church dont stay, simply because the support and love they need isnt coming from the church. the church today is a big, cool clique. they are nice and friendly and loving to each other, but not active in doing exactly what jesus did. to deliberately sit with the sinners and lost ones. the diseased ones that are lonely and outcasted.
what is the church for when the very people who need help isnt receiving it?
more so, even as my own life has been tainted, i think i've been able to feel and identify how the outcast in the church feels. but its ok, im not affected. its just that now im able to understand the lost better.
a new perspective hit me, Jesus as the "church rebel". he didnt conform to the elite-ness of the pharises and just won debates by word of mouth, but he practically LIVED it out. MADE HIMSELF UNCOMFORTABLE. LAID DOWN HIS RIGHTS FOR OTHERS. because he had compassion for the lost. and because he had compassion for the lost, he himself became one of them.

"i desire mercy, not sacrifice" it is written in the old testament, in Hosea 6:6 (read all of Hosea 6 to have better contextual knowledge).

Jesus asked the pharises of that day to meditate on what it meant. Do you believe scripture still speaks today? Mercy, not sacrifice. him who has ears, let him hear.

Dear friend, though you wont know this blog, in a very strange way, i feel this sense of loss. like a new friendship picked up for one day, before it being put on hold again. such touch-and-go feelings, i just pray and release you to God's care. i could only do that much, to send you off haha. please take care, and have a great time at country X. and we're always keeping you in prayer!

2009-03-17T08:38:00.000-07:00

im.
not.
sure.

this is all i have to say for the upcoming month that i'll have here in singapore. its like rojak, a mixture of everything and i only have plans for up to monday.
it was kinda pissing how my parents slammed the idea of me going to myanmar again, its like they just repeat the cassette tape in them everytime i mention "go back to myanmar". they'll be like, no keith. no. its very dangerous. no.
and they dont even give me a chance to talk about how safe it is over there, the things i'll be doing over there, how i totally long for something meaningful to do as i spend my month, and how God would be able to take care of me. its just so unfair at times, and what can i say, they are bad parents? no they are good parents because they care that much. so am i suppose to be happy or sad?
i should be happy because im so fortunate to have such parents. but deep inside every angsty teen, the automatic reaction would be to rebel. im always prone to such tendancies i confess, i can easily submit to leaders, pastor or whatever, but when my parents come into the picture, i just dont want them to have their way handling my life!
somebody please tell me this is normal. or is it only me behaving like that? i hate it when i do something deliberately wrong, then something goes wrong. then a parent comes and say "see, see never do what i told you. now u regret" honestly that totally swipes off every inch of my pride. its humiliating. and how i just wish for one chance to get back at them, that kind of vengeful feeling that wells up in me is overwhelming and nothing but ungodly.

and the next moment, im in my room in tears because i cannot control my feelings. im a kid. i can control my actions, to bring myself into my room before i explode. but im sad that im really just a kid. i cant see the big picture and still think my parents are too much. im a kid. i only see things from my perspective and hence, their imperfection.
what makes it worse is that you know your parents arent good examples. they are screwed in some areas that makes them incapable of having any power over you in that area. let me give u a biblical example.

david, in the bible when he committed his sins of murder and adultery, he was forgiven and life resumed and he was righteous in the sight of God again. but the legacy it left behind, nothing could stop it.
when one of the other sons of david raped tamar, a daughter borned out of another wife, (indirect siblings, in a sense it was incest), david couldnt step in to judge. that resulted in absalom, david's eldest son, killing that brother. (murder, amongst the brothers). this would have hurt david the most to see his sons commiting his very own sins, and yet, he had lost all moral authority to do anything about it.

what does this show then about obeying your parents? especially when your parents have lost that moral authority to govern you? i can only safely say, stick to the scriptures. even up to now i struggle with "obey your mother and father", because i feel its just not justified when they cant live it out, but i know when my law comes from the word, it is safe.

wow i have digressed. so back to the upcoming month, while i feel God may not have spoken to me about what to do, so far he's placed several things to take care off. its coincidental how jason at this time would send an email asking for help. while debbie's church has found someone to fill up a position to go to myanmar. how gareth has also offered me a place to help in his internship at kkmc, and how theres a nice free day for my churchies to go out together! man i really miss them, because the past few sundays (about a month or more) has totally been touch and go, and there's no real follow up and quality time spent since 2009 started. i hope thurs will be a good time to catch up more in depth.
thinking about this leads me to remember pastor kaiming's no.1 quote on his facebook page, "the righteous shall live by faith". i found it weird because its like u can take the sentence for what it is, but why "righteous" and why "faith"? its like.

fill in the blanks.
the _______ shall live by _______. (3m)

i can almost put anything in there and it'll still sound good. and right now, the "live by faith" seems to be clinging on to me because i really feel like im living and moving by faith for now. not knowing anything, hoping that i can grow and do productive things for the Lord. but on the side of righteousness, i still cannot grasp. i needa keep praying, and when God does convict me of things, i really need the strength to submit to it. purely, no more holding on to anything else, no more rebellion.

what the, i need those muscles -.-

hmmm pure rebellion. paramore and hey monday are great bands that sound and look alike. hmmm.

2009-03-16T10:48:00.000-07:00

class t11 on our first or second day of school. still high and stuff!

class pic outside island creamery

you know, i really love facebook. as a picture sharer. though the quality stinks. i dont know, im not a camwhorer or stuff but really pictures are important to me because they hold memories. and the best thing is that if i store pictures on my desktop, who knows if my com will crash the next day? but pictures tagged on facebook stay there forever. and u can slowly browse through them anytime, at a quick speed. and savour every person, every memory and the times spent together.

just got back from the t11 dinner with mr kam's new wife, and it was sooo good to be back in the house. i gotta say i appreciate each and every one of you who still treats me as part of the class, and i dont even feel like im one bit out because JC isnt meant to end after 1 year. its like, i will only feel out of the class after next year when As are over. i just feel like a regular classmate, who doesnt have to take terms, mids, As, and doesnt have to repeat chinese...

i long to re-live basketball times again, as well as great lunches (fish soup noodles or western steak) and crappy after-class sessions. (just stoning, or singing some emo song on my stupid useless classical guitar which i lug to school twice a week) its rly been super fun. and our class, no matter how many issues crop up and stuff, is still a pretty united class compared to most other classes. yeahh.

at jack's place with the stupid wall.

sports day!

love them girls!

class chalet

hoho best. ECONS PROJECT (went back to school on a stupid saturday)
mark if you still have the video, send me!

no occasion, really random!!

the happy family with solo man godfather. where would i be without these guys!

literature play! orthello was really good

when we were high and just got to know each other:)

i've wanted a tribute post on my blog so much with pics from every single one of you, but i think its not rly necessary since its not going to be just a one-time thing! so i'll save the dear shots and memories we took for next time. meanwhile, do ur best for every test and exam and mug all the way arh!!
----------------------

i gotta still find something to do for this month. oh lord please show me a direction. a plan, that would get me learning new things, esp guitar. reading more books as well. and perhaps start off on digital media? getting fit and healthy too! and building up more relationships with my church budds. somehow, i miss church peeps. im entering another phase all too soon, its so difficult adapting again and again. wooooo

2009-03-14T04:15:00.000-07:00

the mountains and valleys are steep. really steep.

i was just telling a friend from trackers how i totally swang down into the valleys after the mission trip, even before trackers ended.
luke 9:23:
"if anyone would come after me, he must deny himself, pick up his cross daily and follow me."

christianity is a daily commitment. it is not a one time belief and passport into heaven. God never meant for his love for us to be one-way. if we dont love him back, we cannot be sure if we'll be going to heaven, honestly. because only he knows how to judge our hearts at the end of our lives. he'll know those who have been feeding the hungry, clothing the naked but not honouring their parents, closing his eyes to the spreading of the gospel deliberately. he'll see those who love God's blessings and worship him with all his heart, mind, strength, in spirit and in truth, but never credited all the glory to God, rather, crediting everything to himself.

he'll see and judge those who pick up their crosses on sundays only.
he'll see and judge those who pick up their crosses on days which they feel like it.

the dark side is tempting and enjoyable, but also consuming.
and im making a confession now, no music i listen to is more shiok than the darker / heavier sort. i dont even know what they're singing because i'm not the listener who goes for lyrics, but just in terms of pure music, anything dark and heavy captures me instantly. and its shiok.
but i realise as i continue, song after song and repeating the albums, i dont want to listen to anything else. i can just let this go on forever, because its too shiok. is it consuming me indirectly? and when i go back to the stage on sundays, i get tempted to dump in a little more gain. a little more bass. though i'm still worshipful and desire none other than to glorify God, i cant help but desire too to hear myself sounding a little heavier.

i wish God would take a seatbelt and just wrap it around me. if my life can be a robot just for him, perfect, pure and blameless, i'd change this state in my life for that.

do i have the discipline to truly deny myself daily? and i know God's love and mercy trumps all, but we can never have the attitude of taking it for granted, if not we will never ever grow in him. so will i still deny myself of anything thats not of him? the subtilities like the sort of music i listen to? my own ideologies and theories formed in my head? will i still debate against my pastors and elders in church over theological topics? (because pastors are much closer to God than usual people) things like, is drinking ok for christians, clubbing? etc etc. when i truly want to seek the real thing in God's heart, i think all these little things have to give way too. being pseudo is just too grey..

2009-03-12T10:00:00.000-07:00

so the day was spent alone. perhaps not alone because God is always with me, but well. sometimes when socially, it gets overwhelming, its really just time to withdraw. and i enjoy that.
i didnt use to think i was an introvert, because i always complained about being lonely and wanting to leave the house. someone told me not long ago that being introverted/extroverted wasnt about being sociable or anti- social, but whether you are fueled by the absence of people, or the prescence of people. i learned today im an introvert.
but of course, it doesnt just end there. we arent just called to be like this, we still have to spread God's love and serve others, so in the end, the introvert has to learn how to be friendly and the extrovert has to learn how to reflect deeply on his own. (if not he'll be a drifter too, right?)
so it was a good time of swimming, travelling all the way to this secret place to learn this secret thing which i shall not reveal, on my own.
one thing that captured me was when i was in the pool, there was this bunch of competitive swimmers. they literally flew across the pool at the sound of a whistle. butterfly, freestyle, everything they could do. with their goggles and swimming cap on, i knew they werent normal kids. these were most probably swim team peeps who go competitively. hah and i admired them once again, because i was under training once, and left such a team. (p4 la ok, now im some pool floater) so wow u know, i was the only other teen in the pool not competitive. and the others were huge bellied old uncles relaxing in the cool and still keeping fit (eh, aint i doing that?)
so after about an hour, oh my i was tired! last time i remembered doing 40-60 laps per session in total, with breaks and in various styles. these days i cant even sustain 2 laps of freestyle without break. of course breastroke can still go on forever la. and still, i totalled about 20+ laps. urghh think it doesnt help at all honestly. except the tan looks cool. and the water is cool.

so i left the pool to shower, and when i was back with my spectacles to collect my handphone and wallet, i saw this bunch of children, not older than 10 years old, standing in a line across the jumping platforms. they were arched and ready to jump into the pool at the sound of the whistle. i thought to myself, wow theres a new class now, straight after i showered. the children were laughing and joking with the instructor in the kiddiest voices. then suddenly the whistle went off.

6 kids plunged into the pool and transformed into trained adults.

i couldnt believe my eyes! it was the same bunch of people. but i just couldnt make out their kid sized bodies without my specs. it totally amazes me, generally, when someone makes SOMETHING his LIFE. these kids were born in the water, trained since their tender ages. and when i see friends who grew up under these kinda rigourous training, deep inside i aspire to have been that also. trained, excelling in something. and then, it becomes my life.

i never thought of anything being my life before. when i was crazy over skateboarding, my msn nick was SK8 IS LIFE. when i started out playing guitar, it was MUSIC IS LYFE. and when i got crazy over a girl, like really crazy. it became mygirlforlyfe. yes kids, thats how this blog was formed. i keep this blog as a reminder that nothing on this earth will ever become my life again.
and when i mean nothing on this earth i mean nothing on this earth, but something out of this earth.... hmm
when the "specialist" (im refering to ppl who make something their lives) continue on pursueing their area of interest, they will realise that somehow, there's no end to it. they gotta keep pushing their bodies beyond what it is, their minds, their fingers, their brains and keep striving upwards. (that phase i myself understand. stupid girl chasing tactics, mugging music and tests, spending time on wheels at the void deck etc)
but when i pray, instantly i connect with the epitome of creation. something that couldnt be done in the old testament, and only by the atoning sacrifice of one man. i reach God without mugging, withoutmy own effort, and i find peace. and that's because God wants to reach to me!

of course, there is the part of CONTINUOUS growing and being sanctified, TIL we're glorified. that is another part entirely, and for that we have to keep our spiritual disciplines (qt, bible reading, intercession, witnessing, and working out our salvation with fear and trembling. Philippians 2:12 )

so does it mean that now i can reach God, i do nothing else? no! after i receive the blessings from God, then it'll be time to serve and glorify him. (we're called to that too) and we do all these as part of being sanctified. and then comes the question of IN WHAT AREA SHOULD I GLORIFY HIM? with our gifts and talents of course! that is when i will swim for God if i am a swimmer. when i will get all my awards and As if i'm a gifted student. when i will preach the message of God's love if i'm an avid speaker. when i will write about his glory and worship him with all my might if im a musician.

live n loaded rly sparked off something... about playing music live. about channelling that bit of God's love out of the church worship context, and into the world. and i know its gonna be so tough. but hey, God desires a broken spirit and a contrite heart, amen?! (psalm 51:17)

2009-03-11T21:13:00.000-07:00

urghh and i failed to update yesterday night because i came home too late. it was kinda activity filled yesterday, which isnt too good. kinda.

started my day at 4.30am when i sent my sis off to the airport. the bb boys have indeed grown from little cute sec2s to mature young men at sec4. physically, 3/4 of them are taller than me by more than 5cm. HOW LONG MORE WILL I PUT UP WITH THIS GENERATION. all of them are getting so tall. even the girls (my sis is a few cm away to my height) and i really cant stand how i used to be one of the tallest in class, and then everyone caught up eventually. i really only grew 3 cm in secondary school. from 168 to 171. and recently, when i did my checkup, i was 171.5. -.-

seeing the boys now so grown up and all, kinda leaves me stranded and at a loss, that i wasnt with them last year to see them through. but urghh if it wasnt for guitar cca, i'd still have made more frequent trips back to BB on parade days, even though i wont be able to commit to the other plans and stuff. but it was a good time of seeing the guys from BB and the girls from GB ( i know most of them through my sis hahaha) and how they interact with each other. it was almost like a mini-my-sec-school-life kinda thing.
so it was kinda cool for my sis to have her big bro send her off when none of her friends had that kinda privillege. and then a lil later, i engaged with a bb junior about how being in leadership was like..
he kinda said smth that struck me quite hard, (and i never even had direct conversations with him last time)
"everyone knows you were super emo what! how to hide, you were a cos, super obvious!" and i really thought i tried my best to hide all my feelings in last time. but it was so many years ago, i cant fully remember because i've moved on. and when i look back, its almost the same as looking back at primary school when you are in secondary school. it feels like i've been a kid for what, all my life? even that learning curve in secondary school wasnt that steep for me. and perhaps i've not even tasted what leadership was like in BB, what handling people's lives were, and have been too caught up with my own issues that even i cannot handle on my own.
and when i compare to the lives that my past seniors led last time, and other friends who have had much better leadership skills, they truly shone even at sec3 and sec4. they truly displayed the love, responsibility and stability in their actions and emotions. and there i am, struggling with issues like homework, parents daily naggings and ramblings, girls and the many thousand emo gushes i had because perhaps my hormones were raging so much more at that time. of course there were more, some too serious to spill over here, and issues that arent resolved up to now.
despite all these, i still became a leader again in church, with people telling me now is the time to rise up, do not let anyone look down on you because you are young ( and indeed it is young being a leader at 17 for your church) and i happened to be the youngest too. so i tried again, working back into the hot seat of leadership, going through many "life lessons" from my older leaders, learning how to do ministry work better. and i was lost, caught up with the mix of school work, church work, balancing relationships and it boiled down to time management and discipline, which was something i seriously screwed up big time my entire life.
as a result, the things i did well in shone, but the things i didnt do well in, i couldnt make up for that loss. and before i knew it, promos were over. and my pastor bombed me with "if you cant do well in your general calling, stop ministry" he didnt mean totally stop, he just meant the balance was important in honouring God. then the real bomb came:
did i glory God in all that i did? all that hard work and toil that i did for ministry? getting so busy and on fire with worship ministry... etc. at once, everything just dropped. even the supposing youth camp i was planning, i left it to my co-workers. i just couldnt function with doing anything at all because if everything i did displayed God in a negative light, i wont be able to live with it!

but thank God the youth camp went as he planned. it went TOTALLY as God wanted it to be, so much so that i felt used after it. so much so that after the camp, the fire in me just died. it didnt even sustain for a day. but that will be for another post...

so God had his plan, he stripped me of everything. no school, no leadership, no support, no more attention. and i said this before, it is when you are stripped naked that you feel the lightest, but you have to be careful or it may become emptiness.
by being stripped bare, i have indeed so much more time to rest in God. its so easy to fork out the time to spend with God longer now. something i would kill to have last year in jc. now, easily, 1 or 2 hours i can reserve for God if only i put myself down to it. sleep is no longer an issue, and stress, not at all. but i have to choose daily still, to lead this life of christ, to be pure and blameless, without sin. to pick up this heavy cross for excellence for His name. to fork out the time to spend with him, and do my reflections. no longer will i be drifting, from day to day and forgetting what happened the day before. if i do not choose all these things, i would become empty, instead of just light. i would then be making my position and ministry my God, other than the true God himself. so i have to get down to the basics again, and its also the most painful this year.

after sending my sis off, went back home to sleep. overslept so i couldnt swim, then made a trip down to fairfield for the carnival briefing. i had volunteered to help out because i was free, and yiling and naijie happened to be helping out too. but i didnt get to think of much when i was with the kids, after all they are really primary school kids. at that age, i know most guys wont be able to think at all. but girls will already be facing stuff like backstabs and friendship issues.
after which, went to find team ACTX again for slumdog millionaire! it was really a fantastic show and it dwelved deep into the life of jamal. had everything in it from action to romance, and the peaks and lows of the show were very distinct. weichiang managed to grab the last line6 toneport, which is a recording device for music.. and i got my pitchblack tuner after 5 long months of no stocks! i know God blessed us with these things, wheeee! just hope today will be just fine:)

2009-03-10T00:58:00.000-07:00

okay.. so this is my slack week.
i really do hope i get to intern at truthmin starting next week or so. hope they approve me!
at first i was really dreading coming back to singapore when i was still at myanmar because i just didnt want to be stuck and empty again. and i know we arent suppose to be filled with activity and find satisfaction with activity because our identity comes from God and we should be filled daily regardless of whatever we do.

just as how the Lord has taught one of my friends in trackers about being still and being just quiet like mary, to sit at His feet and "centre' on the life and character of Jesus Christ, i find myself starting to learn the same. yesterday was the start of the week of rest and i still felt dry and empty. but today onwards for the rest of this week im going to blog, and im going to blog seriously about everyday. about my reflections since last year after promos, the personal retreat i took after that, the youth camp, post youth camp, and the new year.
then trackers, and the entire process of going through the bible training phase, the mission trip. the insight i have gained, knowledge i have learned, new friends and how they are so different, so new, so unknown all over again. so unknown and so exciting, just being thrown here and there and everywhere. i sometimes genuinely feel like God keeps throwing me around, from the 3 months in trackers 08, to the 7months of JC life. then again into trackers 09, (because i didnt really think twice about accepting the offer) and now leaving trackers 09 and into another phase of poly life.

and God has been faithful throughout.

when he puts you through such junk, such utter rubbish at that point you'd think, and i really couldnt stop hating myself for being a mere human. i wish i was so much more special, talented. the kind that doesnt need to do much to get the grades easier. so talented, i wouldnt even need to study to earn a living.
has God indeed blessed us all equally? or has he made some of us better than others?
and yet, i will give back to the Lord. i will give whatever i have, small or big. i know he values my response. who is this God im trusting, i dont even know. i dont know what he'll throw me into next, who knows if the next 3 years will really be spent in poly for me? i dont even dare to plan my life! who knows what will happen after that? and can i trust Him to provide for me? to shine for him despite my lack of... everything?
Trackers 09 made me realise even more, of how small i am. there seems to be no limit to how small you can get... after promos i felt useless in the eyes of the world. like i couldnt even pass, and in trackers 09, i kinda every part of me that seems to define who i am. the fun personality, the guitar playing, the musical side, the jokey side, the quiet side, the humble side. what defines me ultimately? who am i and what am i grounded on? if i could describe moses and jesus and david, it would be men of God, men after God's heart, etc. but here when i describe myself, i dont know what or who am i. i am a drifter, with no solid roots. no firm foundation and though im rooted once in a while, i detach at times.

there are seriously times when i feel like backsliding. like just letting loose and relax, and just keep to myself and doing what i want. and yet i know that wouldnt pay off.
what pays off? eternally? and now i know believing and following Jesus leads me in the right way, with joy, meaning, purpose and eternal life, am i being selfish in my approach towards christianity? was Paul selfish when he was talking about his prize he would obtain at the end of his race? i dont think so. you dont run to lose, everyone runs to win. so if i were to find joy and happiness and eternal life seeking after the heart of God, it is a valid reason isnt it? suffering comes in too of course, perhaps suffering would be the test of whether or not i'll be fit to claim the prize.
also another thing is about my attitude. ive become so slack and so relaxed as well, not being able to maintain that spirit of excellence that i once had. i know i have dropped my "performance syndrome" since learning that in trackers, about keeping in top form and so on, but still things cant have slackened to this state. in this case, performance syndrome is perfectly matching for me because when i do that, i know i am doing my utmost best. but when is it the time to just let go and let God?
when is the right time to be a mary, to sit at the feet of jesus even though i know i could be helping martha out?

2009-02-27T05:48:00.000-08:00

hi all! the mission trip has been incredible..
when i look back again at the past 2 months, its really an incredible blessing from God how i even ended up back at trackers 09. started off as a job, then drifted along with doubts, and with the mission trip i truly got my heart on fire with ACTX and young oon and wendy again. something in me stirred really strongly when we went to myanmar, all the prayers for the preparation of our hearts just clicked into place and we found ourselves giving wholeheartedly to the Lord's service.. it was an amazing experience and encounter..

we saw people who were dry, physically and spiritually. the roads laden with dust and rust and bad drain smells. the people poor, begging and starving. and in the middle of it all, a temple laden with gold and splendor. even the grass around it gets automatic showers of water.
but the people remain forever dry.

im learning what it is to be a world christian. to see and intercede and be part of REVIVAL not just in a local context, but in a world context. nobody really believes nations can be converted or explode with passion for God, but it happened to korea!

this is really a brief post, too much has happened! im gonna now post a video which has relevance to yangon, myanmar. i hope. cyclone nargiis attacked last year...

2009-02-01T06:12:00.000-08:00

John 15:13

"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."

i always read this verse in my head and pictured myself saving a fellow bro or sis or stranger on the road from behing hit by a car, and in turn getting hit. i always thought i'd readily die for someone i loved, and then think again if the situation really comes, would i really do it?

but today the message convicted me so much because i learned something new about it. its not about physically dying, but rather, really dying to self for the sake of other people. and i never read this verse in that light before. think about this from a human point of view. if you die to your SELF while you are still alive, you are not being yourself! isnt that like living hell??!

but here we are talking about living like Christ,
"Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death— even death on a cross! " (phil 2: 7-8)

to live is Christ, to die is gain. (phil 1:21)
this verse now also has so many multiple meanings to me. when i live, i have to be the christian. and a christian's life isnt always about joy and happiness. we will too, go through Christ's sufferings, burdens and sadness. (and that is for our good, so we grow and all) so much so that even dying becomes a gain because we'll meet our God in heaven where he'd say "well done, good and faithful servant".

Paul himself wanted to die because he could be with God straight away. but he also had to stay on earth to fulfil his mission in reaching the Gentiles like us, setting an example, asking us to imititate him as he imitated Christ. that is the reason behind "to live is Christ, to die is gain".

Death here is expressed very deeply. . a death to self, to being like Christ.

Dear Lord, you amaze me. please help me to be exactly like you. there are times i ask for only 20%, but i really want to be exactly like you now, even if it seems impossible. help me to be crucified with you, not just you being crucified for me. help me open my eyes to the little things that i can help with in the lives of other people. help me to minister to my friends. help me to die to myself, and also for the ones i love. and when i become more like you, to "die" even for my enemies.
help me too to not let the knowledge i've gained from you be a stumbling block to others. help me to manage wisely when to apply your knowledge, and when to be still and just let your spirit and love guide me.
let your love compel me to all these, amen.

im feeling "suicidal" now.

2009-01-18T05:36:00.000-08:00

THURR COMPETITION TU SEE WHO ACTS BEST LIKE HURR HAS STARTED!

2009-01-13T04:15:00.000-08:00

Hello all! this post will be full of pics! yay! reason is because birthdays only come once a year..
(just like christmas and new year and chinese new year and good friday, easter, national day, deepavali etc all come once a year) and yes, everytime smth happens once a year, it is a rare treat therefore i will post pics!

with 18 years of age, suddenly i feel not young anymore. like i cant be that rubbish with my words and jokes and actions already haha. because im hitting 19, and very soon no more teenage! how can that be! on top of that, 18 allows me to drink and drive (no, not both at the same time of course) and yes i do feel old being a jan baby, and the privilleges are kinda cool, but with great power comes great responsibility. alright, lets go down to how i spent my 18th wooosh. and also the people who have been such a blessing to me from 08!

e 4f clique from 4f... though i dont like to call it a clique (but we are what, quoted from daniel's blog) tricked me to buying stuff with delci at her minimart and she made me carry 7 bottles of soft drink, thanks v much. that part wasnt rly a trick ah. i really love this bunch of friends, because its like a clique outside all the other cliques in church, school, and stuff. and its very relaxing and easy to share burdens, secrets and all with them (though i do miss out on ac gossip no choice). Thank God for delci and yanling, and most recently, cheryl and the dear guys esp caleb, enping, daniel and samuel. i think you guys have changed a fair bit and grown, though i know i too have changed quite a bit, maybe much more compared to you guys. but we're all growing in the Lord amen:)

nono cheryl will remain forever cute!

this is us exactly 1 year ago, in my house's lift. daniel never changes his smile. the one above was in delci's lift (which was kinda small and caleb.. ahem... heehee) its rly hard getting all 10 of us together at times luh, but all 10 of us are in these 2 pics:)

after which, we went for 4f's dinner/ gathering and it was a great time meeting the others! i spent lots of time with the other friends who have also branched out to form strong cliques over the past year. the sophia/fion/eunice group, the biyang/chingyang/nicol group, the claire/grace/jojo/nina group. not to mention my ou xiang joy yeo and smiley xinghui. aww look at her she's changed her smiling style to look more sweet than grinnish because of...???
spent almost all the time hopping around til i got thrown in the pool and wet my dear zara pullover that rophi chose for me. that was how my phone screwed up but for some reason, i have a new phone now, and its pink! its older than my act businessman e71, but well it serves well.

on wednesday was the trackers inauguration service, and i got to wear that makes-me-look-zhai-but-lumpy trackers t shirt again. and my rubbish skills to play for worship. but i believe God uses our rubbishness to do great things.. our band was gathered from so many diff churches and playing together for the first time, we were really afraid. however xiaorong said God uses our unpreparedness to, and that made sense to me, looking back at the number of times i had to do at hog things and the youth camp. sheldon is a fantastic drummer! after which, ronda and dionne and the whole lot of them together with dear kheng hao popped up with a brownie for charlene and i! charlene is also another zhai zhai jiejie that i have e privillege to work with from last year's trackers! truly both of them, xr and charlene are great examples to me:)

the brownie was so good everyone wanted a piece of it! unfortunately we didnt take many pictures together, not to mention i looked horrible so i shall post from the past!

Christabel and daye.. daye turned up during inaug too, and said he'll miss me in cj. thats rly nicee of him considering that we only played basketball together.. Chris will nevaa say she'll miss me in cj but tts because shes forward looking! to her, nothing's rly a farewell i guess? i wanna post a nicer pic of us but they're all in my old phone rar.

dionne and i never look good in pics because when one of us looks good, the other will look bad. so i compromise and chose myself instead:) if its one thing she has, its also the gift of encouragement! thanks dionne for the many sweet cards over the year and all. and your suanning on te*$ and the ducky card.

and this is ronda. i dont know how both of us got to know each other in trackers because we didnt really get to interact much (diff groups, diff mission trip, never rly met much after trackers,) but we've grown to be really great friends too. and she's a very liberal and open person, so i suppose its easy larh. of course, nicole came along the way and im mentioning her here too!

more womaniser pics, why do i look the least bad on the alumni night? hahahha. btw, that is commonwealth mrt and its also where im working now! wooo jolyn and her pokey face.

thats andrew and xiaorong. andrew i hope to see you soon! he always looks very cool, hahaa and is super fun to hang out with, crap and make lame jokes. think his suannage level is a bit higher than mine also lah. but he's more scandalous lol! xiaorong and i look super emo cause we're super posers. (sorry jestyn, and happy 21!!)

and this is INTAJ, our fabulous india mission team who still meets quarterly a year because pastor kaiming is a great follow-upper. we've shared on what happens in our lives over 08 and they are really a great source of support too. somehow, once or twice when i was at the lowest in the year, PKM organised a gathering and all of them are excellent sources of encouragement. indeed i am more than blessed when God sent such ppl into my life:) so many of them are older and more mature than me, and fun too (eugene!) and Wendy there is still with me now! i have learnt so much from her and her funny past!

so, on the 9th of jan, now that i had no phone and stuff, i couldnt contact anyone after work and was feeling kind of down, knowing i had 42 smses unread because i couldnt read them and couldnt reply back. so i went to tgif because ariel asked me to. tgif is an outreach venue for Agape youth, and we get to play fun games there with other youths. however, i was shocked when only janice was there, and we had dinner together (rubbish fried rice made me so hungry cause we waited for eternity!) and i also told her that you can be called though you have no phone. (ponders)

after that, tracy and howkiat came and we played a while more before leaving to my house cause lois wanted to get smth from my sister. so tracy and howkiat told me they had to leave (for obvious reasons) and janice had to rush home.
so i was even more sian when lois walked me back to get smth from my sis, and she started going on about worship on sunday, publicity ministry, blah blah so sian. then when i reached my house door with the most "walao sian im at home before 10 on my bday!!!" attitude,

boom they all jumped out and happy birthdayed me! honestly though they claimed it was a bad surprise but it was a pretty good one to me!! totally never expected it! my dear sister and jess helped to make the HAPPY BDAY KIF on the wall as well and im really touched by how they planned everything and all. it was a great 18th surprise maans.

dear sister and dear jess!

the "laojiao" small group! which i always make fun of because of their age! but in reality they are pretty young in youth ministry. just that they''re the oldest in agape!! haha and im 18, that makes me a laojiao now as well! im rly surprised joel went, and andrew as well who just booked out that night. as well as adelle JIEJIE and van and nat, and clubber caleb! haha!

my dear small group, or rather half of them. missing are Eugene, Ariel, Kaixiang, Jacob, Ivan, val, and last but not least, DILLON!! miss you bro, hope u arent dying in bmt! to commemorate both of you,

our emo "band" shot hahahaa.

my family who claimed to have no part in the surprise. though parents fail at times, but when we look back at the big picture, in my case, from 17-18 years old, they have been great parents. my sister too, as she grew in her school and gb, i could see the ways she changed over the years (and it makes all the putting up with her worth it! HAHAHAHAH) but rly, never regret being an elder brother. unless ur sister is lois.

a very good picture to represent me and lois. HAHAHA. esp when she laughs at everything and i go dotdotdot.

janjan..
also quite a good representation of jan and i when we go high. ahhaha cause though she doesnt touch alcohol, she can be rly retarded. and we can laugh til siao. just like, rofl really! look at that face!

Alan my camp advisor, and its a pity i dont have a proper picture with Eugene, my mentor!
Alan always gives me the impression of a backer. the ideas and support he gives me build me up a lot too, and so do his books haha. his suannage level is ultimate, and sometimes only both of us amongst a whole group of people will burst out laughing when he or i makes a joke hahaha. also love the way he plays basketball, super hiong!
Eugene, on the other hand, plays the role of a sayang person. he's seen me through the downest of my life. really, the mindblowing suicidal times and depression. when bombs hit you one by one. Eugene was always there for me in the serious ways, and he deliberately puts across the message to me, "im serious about being your mentor, im serious when i pray for you, im serious when you are a disciple of God". of course he's funny too hahahah.

presents!! indeed being more than blessed is an uber crazy gift from God! wooo. Keith is DA BOMB tshirt and PROFESSOR lol!!!. my super nice zara pullover, so many new tshirts, new books, cds. A STUDY BIBLE, cookie monster, crumpler lappy from my uncle. and of coursee

my new bass from my dad. its secondhand:) (like most of my gear)
my dad's the best... most of the time, his presents to me are always "earned". at least to me. when i pass a test he'd thought i fail, when God aced me through Os, every year he would get me smth in between christmas and my birthday as a reward. but this year, though i disappointed and let him down, he still went ahead to let me get this bass! its not a real musicman, but it plays like one and it looks IDENTICALLY like one, complete with a decal at the headstock. and i know he may not have wholeheartedly gotten it for me, but i am equally thankful because he gave me something i didnt deserve, much like how God gives me everything i didnt and can never work for. :)

ive also seen this cute boy weekly over 08. alan, janice, lois, this boy kenneth, auntie annie, and a whole lot of others.. have became almost like a family too, though largely because we're geographically close. woo!

closing off, this is my pedalboard, which i have also been NURSING and MAINTAINING over the past year.

LIFE IS LIKE A PEDALBOARD.

IT TOO, HAS GROWN A LOT SINCE 08.
A LOT TOO, HAS BEEN INVESTED ON IT.
IT TOO, needs special attention, nursing and maintainence.
you start of small, then slowly you realise what pedals you need, and what you want.

IT TOO, needs its own supply of power.
YOU NEED TO FIT THE BIG ONES IN FIRST, THEN THE SMALL ONES.
each pedal you choose and pick shine in a unique characteristic, but no one pedal can do everything on its own. therefore the pedals you use give you your sound, your identity.
sometimes, it gets noisy.
other times, you lose passion and continue playing guitar only because you have your gear to have fun.
sometimes, you rely on other sources to fill you up, but you know eventually you will have to find your source of joy (thanks eugene for lending me the red one:))
along the way, a few pedals that distract you come and you realise you dont need them, so you weed them out.
but along the way, you also find real gems, the pedals that you will keep forever.
All in all, the pedalboard grows and evolves because your sound and your music is also always growing and evolving. so more and more input, more and more output. more diversification of music.
therefore, life is exciting because we can look forward to newer things! of course we will have to weed out rubbish once in a while, but eventually, when we reach our common destination, we will look back and find that our pedalboards are finally, all filled with gems:)

whoaaaa keith zhai siol

2009-01-05T21:51:00.000-08:00

Hello 09,
Hello Love.

And i thought 08 was going to be a year of new starts, new perspectives and stuff, but it seems 09 will be one of an even greater change.
ive never made any life plans before, but now i can look into my near future for the next couple of years. im worried things still dont work out, really really worried. because if they dont, there's no way out for me anymore. i believe and trust God to take control of everything that lies ahead of me from today onwards.
Suddenly im making new year resolutions, suddenly im thinking different. usually i wont start serious, i'll leave it to when the time calls for it, but this year its just different.

it never ends with Jesus Christ dying on the cross and bearing our sins once and for all. a relationship with God is ongoing, progressive, always exciting and full of hope. And we gotta keep growing because we love him so much:)

09 will be when my sis takes her Os and my folks in CJ take As. Happy new year to all!

2008-12-25T22:17:00.003-08:00

oh yess finally the busy period is over and i've taken so much time off to sleep and stuff. lets let pictures do the talking for once!! Youth camp, carolling and christmas extravaganza..

not to mention i spent an entire christmas eve with daniel and enping a half of it with caleb as well. i love the 4f guys. though i may not be physically close because of the schools we're in, and maybe not that close as best friends or whatever yet, but im sure we'll slowly grow together. its been great being together for each of our birthdays, and i just hope our friendships grow sweeter with every year that goes by. thanks for your letters and presents everyone!

Team FEAR!

carolling and the womanizer pic!

christmas carolling 08! at pastors beautiful house and his son benedict cut out:(

the entire camp's pictures summed up in one. all truly revived and united.

highlight of the year. or of my whole life in AYM. its been a such an honour serving God in the ministry this year!

2008-12-20T09:32:00.000-08:00

Youth camp 08 was a blast.. it was mindblowing and i never expected so many things to happen.
as much as i tried to run from being branded as "leader" for this camp, there were still so many leadership issues i had to face. Why, oh why were humans made like this, to have so many internal conflicts though everyone has a heart for God?

do i have to humble myself til i become the lowest of all leaders??? yes, and i wouldnt mind that because Jesus himself made himself nothing. and yet if i do that, then what kind of leader am i? i am merely a follower.
it takes so much, perhaps just for me, to consider being a servant-leader. after all, all leaders are but servants in God's eyes. why do we then have to "rise up", "take charge", "assume authority"? is there a way a leader can go on without hurting other people and even himself? im not sure for when Jesus experienced joy, he had his share of sadness and loneliness.

i am such a rebellious person. i wont submit to a higher authority happily unless the reason' good enough for me.
i will never submit happily to an authority of the same level, but only because Jesus did it.
i will never submit to a lower authority. if so, i must have some some thought that because this person is so insignificant, i might as well just give in for fun. Oh God i need to learn how to be joyful in doing all these, not grudgingly.

on one hand, i am learning to be like Jesus but on the other, im not happy at that instant. i suppose when we give things a shot with the right intentions to imitate Christ, He will teach us, mould us and give us the joy He promised. therefore, my take on leadership- is not about ability, but whether or not i'll be able to sustain it.

the youth camp was a blast simply because i could sustain my 4 days. in terms of energy, God provided. in terms of state of mind, it was great. in terms of purpose, i had it. in terms of conviction, it was stronger than anything else. but i have to get back to the reality again, the camp only lasted 4 days. how can i sustain another year into ministry leadership?

the camp affirmed me though, in ways i never thought i'd be able to. i found myself speaking with passion, playing with passion, leading people like i never knew i could- all these by the power of the Holy Spirit. looking back, it just couldnt be me that did it. i have never done such a thing, and will never be able to do it again anyhow. God was seriously there when the youth poured out their struggles, bad secrets and tears to Him. He in return, poured out his Spirit unto them. and i never thought i'd see this happen in Agape, though i've seen this elsewhere and experienced it so many times this year. when we were praying before the EWG, God assured me and Isaiah was brought to my mind- about his response to God,

"here i am, send me".

and after that, i knew God was going to use his camp committee, together with Joel to minister so powerfully when we prayed for all of them.

on the lighter note, this camp was also very fun. the games were awesome and i was just so surprised at the variety of games jan and her committee came up with! hahah the banana one made me laugh like crazy! the blind drawing the elephant was also hilarious, and the peanut butter face paint was just sick. hahahah!

overall, as God made everything beautiful in His time, so it is for AYM as he chose this time to show us such huge flames of Revival. let us cont praying that the fire will keep burning!

i am changed.
i am free.

2008-12-11T08:37:00.000-08:00

woooo its been a long time.

and my home's internet still hasnt been up and running. my dad says it'll be repaired on the 15th of dec, which is when the youth camp will start...
and after the youth camp, why would i be needing a computer? hahahah.

this week is insanely busy.. God please guide me, im just gonna die on my own.

myhope, carolling, camp. and camp's been really taxing. how everything should flow right... im really afraid cause i havent done this before, and have no experience. however, i believe God will make it right according to how He'd want it to go.
on a high day i'd say. wooooo! this is the way life should be.
haha that was the past, i'm never saying anything about how life should be now:) cause obviously, a life that's packed full of activities may not be a good life.
a good life is when you know what you are busy for, or what you are using ur time for... yeah.

im growing up... but theres such a long way to go. puberty stage 10 here we come.

christian friends please pray for me! thank you:)

2008-11-30T10:58:00.000-08:00

im really glad t11 came back so emo and impacted by the ocip trip! wish i had went however, but well it couldnt be done so...

its enough emoing and staying at where i am.. the world isnt gonna slow down for me, so i gotta keep pushing, going, doing and reaching towards THE goal. ive been avoiding this for very long, but i guess this is goodbye t11. officially, for once. i hate to seem like im putting on a strong front. then again, maybe i am. but if i leave without feeling even a tinge of sadness, it would have been a lie.
i dont know about how the world views me for who i am now, and it doesnt matter already.. because at least i now know how i view myself. im gonnamiss you guys so much, and i know i havent wasted a year. urghh i need some emo pics and italic-ed words here.
and i know when january starts, esp on the 12th, its gonna be hell. i'll be back to drifting and having nothing to look forward to, which would give me tons of opportunity to emo.

oh well, i wouldnt know til then!
internet's down... im seriously pretty miserable that i cant talk to anyone casually on msn anymore. its just a huge sigh coming from within me, urghh.

2008-11-15T03:42:00.000-08:00

So.

You screwed up.
God isnt to blame.
You cant avoid it, the many implications have amplified it.
Your soul wants to blame God. but you know that would get you no where.

you are still aware.

go back to your little corner.
go back to where it all began, the Ideal of solitude; wait.
For now, no one can change your mindset. you are once again weak, useless, mindless, last, drifting, quiet, silent.
Angry, but too weak to do anything about it.
Hurting, yet numb.
shocked, and still is.
disbelieving, but acknowledging.
doubting, yet surrendering.

on the fence perhaps, swaying. about to fall.
but one thing you have, you are still aware.
aware of the Truth.
aware of His love.
aware of the promises.
aware of hope.

what do you do?
do you stop to think, or carry on life as usual?
neither, for if you stop, God's work is hindered. if you carry on life as usual, you're in denial.
at least you arent hindered to show you are weak, finally.
You cant put on a show to be strong and let time pass, you know that.
You arent strong inside, you know that too.
You make the decision.
God's work prevails, you are but a branch,
a lump of clay,
a piece of mirror.
for The Vine to bear fruit,
for The Potter to mould,
for The Light to be reflected.

You would say: "Then why does God still blame us? For who resists his will?"
But who are you, O man, to talk back to God?
"Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?' "
Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use?

You have let God down, and you are sorry.
you are still aware.

go back to your little corner.
go back to where it all began, the Ideal of solitude; wait.

2008-11-13T10:18:00.000-08:00

Ezekiel 36: 22-30

"Therefore say to the house of Israel, 'This is what the Sovereign LORD says: It is not for your sake, O house of Israel, that I am going to do these things, but for the sake of my holy name, which you have profaned among the nations where you have gone.

23 I will show the holiness of my great name, which has been profaned among the nations, the name you have profaned among them. Then the nations will know that I am the LORD, declares the Sovereign LORD, when I show myself holy through you before their eyes.

24 " 'For I will take you out of the nations; I will gather you from all the countries and bring you back into your own land.

25 I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols.

26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.

27 And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.

28 You will live in the land I gave your forefathers; you will be my people, and I will be your God.

29 I will save you from all your uncleanness. I will call for the grain and make it plentiful and will not bring famine upon you.

30 I will increase the fruit of the trees and the crops of the field, so that you will no longer suffer disgrace among the nations because of famine.

------------------------------------------
Psalm 51:10

"Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me."
------------------------------------------

I leave things in bold for you to ponder on. God's promises, His blessings, His commandments, His plans.
In Ezekiel 36, the Lord reveals his plan for israel, His chosen nation, His royal priesthood.
In Psalm 51, David's prayer after being convicted of his sin with Bathsheba, one of the most-commonly-referred-to chapters in the bible assiociated with repentance.

Are we ready to acknowledge the wrong things going on in our lives before the Lord takes action on us? should someone come to tell us everything that's wrong in our lives before we admit, oh crap im wrong? the Lord will create in you a pure heart, a heart of flesh and not of stone, but first we need to ask.

What a great reminder as I attempted to design the tentative youth camp tshirt!
Get ready for Revival.

2 chronicles 7:14 if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.

2008-11-07T01:46:00.000-08:00

im in the darkness of my own shadow. i know its possible, but what does it truly mean to be in the light?

2008-10-31T10:19:00.000-07:00

who i am hates who i am.
i dont know what really has happened over this year. when i read my archives of my transitional stage from last year to this year, i saw myself right in my heart. have i grown stronger, or just more immune to the messages from the Holy Spirit?
My heart now beats a different beat, a slow, heavy one. shocked by my current state. heart, not mind, because God looks at the heart of men :

"Friday, December 14, 2007

i'm going crazy.
it feels like puberty all over again...
i'm waste. i'm a trash.
am i being testosterone controlled again? by my male ego?

i dont want to be myself anymore. starting today, i am gone.
starting today, nothing i do will be for myself.
starting today, i will not crack lame jokes. whether to appease myself, or others.
starting today, i shall renew my spirit, i shall walk in the light again.
starting today, i will seek first the kingdom of God, and not expect anything else to follow through.
starting today, i will combat my sin with my gang.
starting today, i will not succumb to pretty faces.
starting today, hot blood will have a higher boiling point.
starting today, i shall find my purpose which was lost.

help me Lord Jesus, to be the keith you want me to be, not the keith that keith wants to be.

for what is existance without God?
its just existing to exist.
what is a rock and roll life with gear, girls, drinks and drugs?
its just existing to exist.
what is self boosting of self-esteem?
crap.
what is fantasy?
time wastage.

time to wake up, everything Self-provoked is worldly. everything that makes you smile is worldly.
but when God makes you smile, its not considered a smile. its a rare, much sought after joy that you cant find on your own.
the peace which transcends all understanding.
its time to forget vaughan, forget hendrix, and just play for God.
its time to forget paul, forget girls, and just concentrate for his work.

all this, not by my own effort, but with the help of God, if he grants it."

i actually said that prayer on my blog a year ago? its really a bold and desperate one! have i actually grown stronger in trackers and in all that happened this year? im nearly crying just reading my heart out from a year ago. i knew no philosophy, no true meaning of what joy is. but one thing i knew, it was desperation.

firstly, i shall not doubt the Holy Spirit. i have changed, and have been transformed by His Word over the year. many of my sins and struggles left, but then with strength comes something else, pride. an uneccessary upsurge of confidence. in myself?

secondly, i realised
One never grows stronger in the Lord,

its The Lord that grows stronger in You.

how true and apt as i reflect back in the year. how it has been more of me all the while, even if its just a bit more. how i always wanted to show God, but seldom letting Him show Himself. though i was sincere, though i wanted the close relationship, though i did things to express that desire. i deliberately memorised verses, kept him in mind, prayed and fasted, but its just more of my input than His.

we become strong because God allows it.
we learn because God enables us to.
we climb to our hot-topic, spiritual maturity because He ordained it to happen in His time.

im just lost for words right now, in awe and just stunned at how small i am.

2008-10-30T09:22:00.000-07:00

JOSHUA 1:9

After a lot of deliberate thought since ive gotten past the stage of getting the results, and with a little help from a close friend, ive finally re-evaluated my studying life this year, concluded and settled down. its still been disappointing overall, ive let everyone down again.
nuff said.

JOSHUA 1:9 has popped up these few months starting from YMLC for about 4 times already. From Benjamin (my ymlc group leader) picking this verse for me to it appearing on my blog, i guess the Lord really is speaking to me here. and it seems to speak to me wherever i go to next year.

May the words I say
And the things I do
Make my lifesong sing
Bring a smile to You

2008-10-28T23:45:00.000-07:00

Proverbs 22:6
Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.

a pity im not a child anymore, and i gotta be responsible for myself from now onwards:)

im dying to post something for T11. but i figured it'll be best after 7nov. all the best to me!

2008-10-23T09:25:00.000-07:00

i feel weak and shattered when im slapped by the world.

if i were to ask myself what have i learned this entire year, did i waste 1 year of my life for nothing, i would say no. Fairfield has been a place really well protected. yes you fairsians better know, that the school's discipline and culture has kept you protected for very long. long enough for you to mature and understand how really wrong and weird the real world is out here.
how complex people's lives can really be, and the hidden underlying problems that are so well hidden, and yet consumes them from the inside out. the transition period from puberty to late-teens incur too much change.

no, im better.
no, i will not give in.
no, i am strong on my own. i gotta rely on myself.
no, i justify my actions because i am pissed off, angry, misunderstood, the list goes on.

where will and resiliance triumphs, layers of indifference and hardness builds up, causing an immunity to morally wrong actions and consequences. and we're not talking about religion or biblical stuff here, its just from humanity's point of view.
then again, how justified is humanity? but thats besides the point.
they are experiencing emptyness inside, but slowly declare themselves independant of help, love, and truth as the layers harden. they become strong.

people dont like to be told what to do.
people dont like to reveal their weaknesses.
people dont like to acknowledge their weaknesses.
people dont like to correct their wrongs, and find more reason for justifying them.
people lack, but we always seek. trial and error or truth, decide now.

being strong doesnt guarantee Victory.
i dont need examples here. fairsians, you'll know when you leave. to the world,
he who has ears, let him hear.

2008-10-22T19:22:00.000-07:00

woo this rocks. i got my hands on some free time and mr kam's laptop. and im at the back of my small classroom so nobody knows keith is emoing and blogging hahah!
honestly i shouldnt be guilty im not doing pw. i dont know when i'll ever get the chance to blog using mr kam's laptop again, perhaps wont even get to see him next year.

yeah yeah im overreacting, but when the possibility is there, i cant assume im safe can i? i cant think of possible future options at this time. evaluating every one of them has been said and done and still i cant decide on what's the best. either way, i have to leave t11 so that means its already such a huge loss.

cant think cant think. too many thoughts bombardime when i do.

2008-10-19T06:26:00.000-07:00

the guy is so pretty i'll fall in love with him if he was a girl. wads with girls and bgr talks lately. his voice is super nice and they sound huge for a 4 man band.
im despo even before i enter army. die la like that army sure die.
a lot has happened since exams ended! it has been fun so far but im not in the mood for the kind of blogging with pictures and event updates. shall update soon tmr!

2008-10-03T08:19:00.000-07:00

Am i ensuring i am getting daily intake through my quiet time? why have so many doubts found themselves into my head just today?

am i only sustained by ministry, and hence look forward to every sunday?
or support from friends in ministry?
or encounters with God on sundays?
or maybe i've just been feeling good when i recite things i memorised and 'indoctrinated' myself from the Word?
why havent i been having good qt for the past 2 days? i feel unatural, unconcious and out of place.

Maybe God kept himself from me for a reason? i'm sure not everyday's QT will be like this.
has philosophy led me to these questions and doubts? yes.
will i find my answers? yes.
will God show himself? He will.

philosophy has challenged me to source physically that our God is real. however i have this feeling that in the end, it would boil back down to me. This God is an all powering, unfathomable and indescribable God. if i cant understand Him, i cant prove Him. Understanding will increase, but will never be complete. Now i understand where Cutter came from, and all the struggles for those who know there is a God, but wish to find OCULAR proof.

i can only offer my belief now, because testimonies dont prove much in the eyes of the world.

John 12:37-41
The Jews Continue in Their Unbelief

Even after Jesus had done all these miraculous signs in their presence, they still would not believe in him. This was to fulfill the word of Isaiah the prophet:
"Lord, who has believed our message
and to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed?"

For this reason they could not believe, because, as Isaiah says elsewhere:
"He has blinded their eyes
and deadened their hearts,
so they can neither see with their eyes,
nor understand with their hearts,
nor turn—and I would heal them." Isaiah said this because he saw Jesus' glory and spoke about him.

i cant explain God to non believers using a Christian's mindset. i can only proclaim.
God, you have to intervene in tough cases. Show your glory in due time, to answer my few questions, and the many questions from so many others in the world.

2008-10-02T02:15:00.000-07:00

John 12:42-43
Yet at the same time many even among the leaders believed in him. But because of the Pharisees they would not confess their faith for fear they would be put out of the synagogue; for they loved praise from men more than praise from God.

John 12: 46
then Jesus said,
"I have come into the world as light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness"
--------------------------------------------

There's no such thing as a pseudo christian. Only those who refuse to step out of darkness. or dont know they are in darkness.
to those who know,
Jesus is the way, the truth and the light. You would definitely know if you are in darkness, no matter how covered up it is. no matter how many activities or vices you do to distract yourself from it.
Supposing there's only God and the Big Bang theory for Creation, roughly 50% of the earth would believe in a God, and the other 50% in Big Bang. So, many people believe in God, thats not a big deal. But how many are still in darkness, refusing the truth. refusing to let go, let God. refusing to confess their faith because they prefer men's praises to God's praises?
It is one thing to believe and another to follow.

2008-10-01T05:26:00.000-07:00

i actually felt more relaxed listening to this guy. thats it, im in for electric classes sometime in e hols hopefully!

2008-09-28T06:55:00.000-07:00

i didnt come to jc to retain.

keith, WHAT IS YOUR BATTLECRY?

2008-09-25T20:29:00.000-07:00

i actually had a good topic to blog about after reading my first book of PHILOSOPHY hahaha. after reading it and understanding it, i then realised it was actually a starter KI book. not because the librarian told me it was meant for J1 KI students, but because i understood it.
then i realised all the previous emo posts i posted on WHY WE LIVE, WHY WE STUDY are all pretty noob concepts we all have to grasps throughout our journey of life. and we learn this on our own, spending time with ourselves and just thinking. philosophy books get me going on a mind journey, something other books dont. oh well but im still so noob to learn much from those books, its like it goes in in one ear and comes out from the other.

im not sure about the masses, but im sure KI students all graduate jc with a certain form of idea of life and all. and of course if we believe in God, then well it'll be different from the norms.

ANTI- CLIMAX: taken from dionne's facebook profile.
"i am dionne,i am 17 but i feel as though i am 14. A bird came into my house yesterday and i was petrified.I am scared of fishes and birds.Birds are feathery and fishes are scaly.Yucks.i still love animals even though i am quite scared of some."

I TOTALLY BURST OUT LAUGHING HALF WAY??

hmm im surely learning from Mrs Tie. to put a break in between boring parts of a lecture (blog post) so people would keep wide awake...blog later la now no moood again.

im in love with. the prs...

2008-09-21T02:18:00.000-07:00

This is my prayer for the weeks to come, and for the indians suffering in India at the moment.
http://www.gfa.org/latestnews

micah 7: 7-9

But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD,
I wait for God my Savior;
my God will hear me.

Do not gloat over me, my enemy!
Though I have fallen, I will rise.
Though I sit in darkness,
the LORD will be my light.

Because I have sinned against him,
I will bear the LORD's wrath,
until he pleads my case
and establishes my right.
He will bring me out into the light;
I will see his righteousness.

I have decided I have resolved
To wait upon you Lord
My rock and redeemer shall not be moved
I'll wait upon you Lord

Pre Chorus
As surely as the sun will rise
You'll come to us
As certain as the dawn appears

Chorus
You'll come let your glory fall
As you respond to us
Spirit reign flood our hearts
With holy fire again

Verse 2
We are not shaken we are not moved
We wait upon you Lord
Our Mighty deliverer my triumph and truth
I'll wait upon you Lord

Bridge
Chains be broken
Lives be healed
Eyes be opened
Christ is revealed

2008-09-18T07:38:00.000-07:00

Psalm 121: 1-8

I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?

My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;

indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;

the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

----------------------------------------------------

if you keep reading the word, God will speak.
even if God DIDNT speak, he WILL speak.
keep reading the word!

2008-09-16T00:17:00.001-07:00

im not relentless enough at times to do things KNOWING someone else is always there for me, KNOWING im working towards something eternal, KNOWING my life is safe and im rescued. I need You to come in, and just show yourself already. if not i wont be able to live it up.

2008-09-14T00:31:00.000-07:00

what in the world. i cant do this alone, but where's my help.

2008-09-10T05:29:00.000-07:00

i regret not blogging about YMLC earlier, and now i'm blogging about something not so nice.
i opened my inbox and somehow, my worries/burdens/responsibilities and all flashed out nicely in front of my eyes. woooo camp, comm, enthu ymlc friends, cell, worship min and all just a whole lot of things.
and all of a sudden i have to say stuff, i have to make decisions. i cant say i dont know, or just ask "what do u think?" im the most indecisive person ever, not being able to decide where to eat, what to buy, what toppings on my ice cream or what flavour of yoghurt ice cream, although usually there will only be two.
and i cant get back to the studying mood. i dont care. i wont use being sick as an excuse. im pushing backk and im going all out against my flow. im not going to feel comfy, and i know something is wrong if i do feel too comfy.
lets goo... pushhh...

2008-09-03T07:50:00.001-07:00

i am so dead... im feeling near hopeless. though i know its not hopeless. but no this time round it feels like my mind aint strong enough to overcome emotions.

my holidays are up... what have i achieved in these 3 days? ive not been hardcore mugging like i promised myself. though i know i have been studying, its just not enough and im not concious enough to keep awake and alert for just more than 2 hours in a row. its always like this, how can i leave to go to YMLC without possibly thinking of studies and all?

and then its the same thing... dad comes, mum comes... nag on me and my focus/priorities/commitments... just like mrs tie's first response when i told her i cant make it for chem remedial on friday. i hate myself for not justifying my commitments. ppl will judge me and say "this keith ah think he do so much for God. but his results like crap. never study one".
i used to think its better for me to be in church than at home studying, but no, because God reveals himself in my studies and is happy when i do it for him. im praying and really hope God will make me right in the sense to handle my commitments well. with the amount of ministry or commitments i have, should come the results as well.

hmm.. why do we live.
i remember asking someone this year randomly on msn, "why do you live?"
i was feeling kinda gay and high so i just popped a random question. my friend, though it seems like he/she is religious and has a strong sense of purpose, but he/she couldnt reply me properly... it came out like... "liddat lah. i dunno. to do well? support my family?"
other than to be obedient and fillial to your parents, what else do you live for? yourself? when ur gonna die anyway?

if at the end there will be nothing, nothing to be gained, then what incentive do we have for living? In literature lecture today mr kang was right in saying he should apply what we learn into our lives. the ppl of "brave new world" never asked why. and the totalitarian state does all it can to prevent them from asking "why". in the end, people live to work, and work for the sake of getting things moving, getting economy flourishing. who ultimately benefits?

today delci told me her teacher MR KEITH TAN's story. first, as students, we're good. then special or whatever. then lastly exceptional. the whole lecture theatre was told/ encouraged to be exceptional. haha and as a typical lit student, i would question. if everyone was exceptional then who really stands out? we'll all be equal, uniform. excellent but so what?

if we live to live, or live because we're too scared to commit suicide, then we are seriously blind.
if we live for ourselves, we obviously havent seen the fact that everything will be gone when we die.
if we live because we know there's something more to life and we're waiting for it to come as we slowly discover it, ah thats something. keep waiting, you'll discover it.

i dont know what i'd do if i had nothing to live for. i asked myself this question back in sec3. why was my world forcing me to study? no i didnt want to. i didnt want to conform even though i knew i could. miss wong nagging, mummy nagging, daddy nagging. all want me to do well. give me solid reasons to i'd say, and they'd say for your future, for your own good.
take all that hypocrisy back i'd say, i dont care for my future. i'll die anyway.

but somewhere deep in a corner of my head i knew God was watching. i knew Jesus cared. i knew what i needed to do in order to be back with Jesus again. So i told myself again, i renewed my commitment of "whatever i do, i do it for You", i studied for Christ.
when i said "i'm studying for God", i dint know what it meant at first.
but now i see it as a direct outcry, a clear sign that for the sake of Christ i am doing something i dont enjoy.
now i see it as an opportunity for Christ to reveal himself through the stretching of my character and the results that will come. How he'd deliver me and how he'd work through me.
now i see it in terms of my future because the more i'd achieve in the future, the more God will be glorified. and even if i dont manage to achieve, i know God has been with me all the way. what can be more comforting than that? I am more than a conqueror through Him who loves me. (romans 8:37)

stop studying, or even living for a while. we need to question ourselves "why", and stop doing things because we have to. we have to do things because we want to.

i am not feeling hopeless anymore:)

2008-08-29T01:51:00.000-07:00

passions... hm. should we or should we not pursue them?
sometimes i feel restrained when i cant go all out doing things i'd love. and i know i'd love. but thats cause i know i love God more, and nothing would go right if its not according to His agenda. perhaps these arent my real passions cause i havent even gotten into them yet, they'd do well as hobbies:)

recently i've been in touch with sports...i realised i have an active clan of basketball players through my classmate elissa aka elibear and i started playing again...
olympics have been great too, seeing others so determined to achieve what they want. when i played with elibear i thought of how good a player i would be if i took basketball as a cca from the start, perhaps i'd be somewhere playing in competitions! swimming too, if i didnt quit... i wonder why God slowly led me away from them one by one?
skateboarding was once a hobbie too, but then i know i purely lost interest in that haha.

here u go, some pics to fill up the space i have now!

there you have it. you see the hoop. you're far away from everyone else cause they'd think u'll miss. your toes barely scrape the 3-point line. you take your time. arch your toes and release the ball.
upon release will be the most tense moment. one wrong direction of a finger and the ball wont be in line. but its a relief! you see it sailing through the air, straight as can be. yes, ur waiting and anticipating. hoping the wind is good, hoping the hoop is the right shape.
"ffrickkkk" goes the ball into the net, OH YES THE SWEET SOUND. the joy of scoring from far beats any soccer goal, beats anything else...

Ohh yess this dude has been the inspiration for a bit of my studies as well.. his determination is something we can all learn from! michael phelps.. not so good looking. not so buff. one look and u'll think he's normal. but with an extraodinary mindset.

its fantastic to feel your body cutting the water, and your hands pushing through,making every stroke count. plus the cool feel of the water doesnt make you hot and sweaty but cool all the time. its the glide and cut that makes me feel happy when it comes to swimming! howkiat... i where got fast? michael phelps swims faster than i run la.

i would seriously be happy if ANYONE WOULD ENDORSE ME! HAHA AND YANLING, dun endorse me your $3 dollar goggles, pleasee... lol.

and lastly, this is what i mean:
Path - Apocalyptica

play to believe. alt.metal... it brings a whole level of epic and heavy... electric cello.
however most bands such as these have associations with cults,drugs,satanism and so on... better to just appreciate the music for what it is and not dwelve to deep in them as well!

2008-08-25T07:45:00.000-07:00

i couldnt continue the previous post, i had no idea why. i've been feeling rather empty since sat, and though i received on sunday, i still felt so blah and whatever even today in school.
somehow the qt hasnt been speaking to me anymore. all it does to me is that it convicts. and i know over the past few weeks i've been given opportunities to give, opportunities to served the poor, in spirit or in wealth or in any other way. and yet i dun feel any satisfaction, it almost feels like there isnt an incentive.
yesterday's worship was to me one of the best, but somehow everyone assumes its a norm already. if the band could give up so much such as time for practice and such an excellent mindset every single week until it gets boring and normal, what incentive is there to do so every week? we see ariel, dillon and lois improving a lot in skills, even i see a bit of it in myself, and corrine and jan have been singing so much. yeah, its been encouraging and such a great avenue in which God shines through, and yet now it gets so normal...
perhaps our players need a bit of encouragement and affirmation people!

i just woke up from a 3 hour nap just now, still feeling tired. but no, physically i know i'm well rested. there's just this thing about society that keeps us stressed and always in an attitude of conformity. Pastor shared how this can lead to emptyness in our lives on sunday...
i suppose the constant stress of needing to study and yet not studying has been burdening me since last week. Mer's sms was somehow God sent, matt 11:28 " come to me all who are weary and burdened, and i will give you rest."

following which was "take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
its that easy, give it up to God. how could we miss such a comforting promise?
his yoke is easy and burden is light after all. i think i found new energy to face the weeks of study to come already!

2008-08-22T22:56:00.000-07:00

alright! first of all, welcome to my new blog!! this is my first skin since i dunno when that i didnt make on my own.. heheh. i got lazy and i needed space desperately so i just took one of the popular ones on blogskins.com.
green and pink are my dominant, most used colours in my pencil box which i use for highlighting, studying and making notes. i use pink for worship practices and sermon notes as well! hahaha...
why pink... theres just something about this darker shade of pink that i really like. its bold, its wild and whacky. and yet theres something soft about it, unlike the hue of deep blue, or black. though its sharp and contrasting, yet theres something soothing about it.. hmm im not good enough a lit student to express my feelings about a COLOUR hahaha....

why so much rubbish on top? simply because i know i have space now whahha...

its been another tiring week, and knowing promos are drawing closer doesnt make it less stressful. somehow, i cant do anything radical enough to kickstart the studying mood in me.. hopefully after this sunday and by leaving my guitar stuff in church, i'd be more fired up to study? also, CCA is going to stop.. which will open up my weds and fris for more tuition or night study at cj..
cant help but acknowledge 2 of my study inspirations, valerie and dillon... hahaha. everytime i feel like slacking and stuff i'll remind myself of them, how they study and how they could do it even if results and other commitments drag them down. Eugene as well as he shares about his past... ohh did i mention his past was almost 30 years ago? ehhh~ sorrayye.

last week's flu carried on to this week too. and the MC i took on tuesday made me super slack over the next few days. haha thanks howie and ariel for coming and saying hi, hahaha. was feeling horrible in school and stuff. felt like ponning everyday too cause life gets too exciting when you dont go to school on a school day. i know it feels like this now cause i'm still sick, hopefully when im well school will get interesting again!

i feel like i have a lot more to type about, but cant rly think for now. its okay since my blog's long enough! update laterr.

2008-08-12T07:18:00.000-07:00

nonono.. its never enough.
the Lord is showing me more and more of all my flaws.. the things i've overlooked. the better i think i am, the bigger the flaw in me grows.
i wonder if "i think, therefore i am" is a valid quote for christians. because you can never think your own way into success or freedom. if all comes from your own head, it is indeed risky and dangerous.

i thank the Lord for revealing himself more and more to me this week. how i've lost out so much in so many areas. the reminder of who i am in church, the seriousness of certain problems i totally overlooked. the desperation and sincerity i used to have for our AYM. have i gotten all frustrated at other things to overlook all these? Joel has been doing lots for me so as to aid me in not burning up anymore, but in doing my best elsewhere, somehow other things still have to be sacrificed. so many things, in fact. the important things to other people have been lost in the making..

when i look at it, its almost impossible to fit all of our responsibilities into 24 hours.
our work/school. though its dreaded, it has to be done.
discipleship duties, which involves constant quiet time.
mentoring and fellowship, which involves communion with peers.
seeking for the lost.

but no, it is possible. i just need to do my small part and rely on Him to provide me with the ability to everyday. Grace in school as well.

Dear Lord i need you to sustain me. with the door you opened in me, give me the strength to walk through it bravely as well. amen.

2008-08-03T09:19:00.000-07:00

repentance.
the step after forgiveness. our response to his grace.

i asked the Lord to break me in a way where i will only rely on him this week.
Pray for me people!
thanks nicole, glenda and bonnie:)

2008-08-01T10:46:00.000-07:00

this week has been pretty tough.
somehow i feel my qt hasnt been effective... i actually stopped fasting for a few days. i told myself, "
if qt becomes like an everyday progression then im gonna break the routine, its getting meaningless. i will work it out with God tonight, then fast tmr."
throughout the week, i thought i was okay, on track.. making effort to do qt even during break on some days. and then slipping out of the faith for a while again.
did i mention sin plays a part?
did i get back to God at night in the end? nopee. so busy and so tired.. and lacking so much sleep.
i couldnt even do qt in the bus.. just slept..
so many bad stuffs happened.. i cant even think what went right.
mrs tie is pissed off with my guitar commitments...
went late for worship rehearsal today... sound check was bad..
stayed up til 2am to do my econs essay on tuesday, and it was all wrong.
lost in maths lecture
lost with econs...
lost my wallet...

everything just seems to be hanging and drifting. and it seems to be okay, no problem. drift lor.. this.. heck care attitude and all is just so tempting to adopt when ur in school studying, and when the going gets tough.
its like my chem tutorial. see qn dunno how to do, skip alr.. cause will discuss in tutorial anyway. but why skip? so can sleep earlier..
and mrs tie wasnt happy at all... though she really loves us all and so on.
that excellence is lost. the will and fire to study just goes away.

and wads with all the distractions.
first the eyecandy thing comes along. and i get all high.
then i get to play guitar for worship. all high again.
then there's fop... all high?
joel's birthday...
founders day dinner...
parents. (constitutes of almost all my problems at home)

it draws me away from the centre, the heart of God. the things that attract the heart of men, are nothing short of insidious. insidious = nice/attractive, but potentially fatal. hahah i learned this from markk this week.
what seems to be so harmless actually does affect you without you even knowing.. and of all the distractions, being tired seems to be a huge issue for me. so, that adds another wrong into this week.. the lack of rest.

i just broke down after my mum nagged me over my lost wallet. i'd rather she just scold me and get done with it... but nono. mums nag. nagging brings me to a point which is worse than being scolded... ok tts besides the point.
i asked God to show me my week. one of the most eventful ones.. slowly and reveal to me why stuff werent going right, and though i seem to be feeling right about it, some consequences that came couldnt be justified for what i did.
and i realised its because i've thought everything was going ok... relax. take it EEEEEAAAsayy.
and i now know i need a wake up call. things cant be slackened to this state. i gotta start sleeping early, focussing in school. being punctual. and though i dont pon anything, my mind isnt in class. so whats the point? its as good as ponning in the eyes of God.
and its because i thought everything was ok, that i didnt rely on God as much as i needed to.

no, everything's not okay.

i realised everyone did well for mid years too, those in my school from another class, or another school. ppl are getting Cs, Ds, Es... i'm getting S and Us... there's a huge difference.
T11, what mr kam says is indeed true, that we're one of the last classes already... our grades cant be taken for "normal" or "expected". we gotta work much harder this term...
already, the whole econs topic this term is screwed... maclaurin's is bad too. so much harm has already been done in my school life. can God recover all that for me?

and my own heart which has been so... conceited. so confident in my faith. will the Lord break it for good this time so as to wake me up? id accept any kind of bomb in my life now, if it'll cause me to rely. i'm desperate to be desperate.
Seeking the Lord. one out of the 4 steps to revival.. its specifically catered to ppl who have problems, big or small, and leave God out of them. i've become one of them this week.. over small problems i didnt feel were important enough to address.. and it affected my attitude.

Jesus said, "i am the way, the truth, and the life".
i'm just so blind at times. so imperfect. open the eyes of my heart Lord, i want to see you.

2008-07-30T06:59:00.000-07:00

parents should be seen and not heard.

i wonder if moms nag at you. issit because they dont trust you enough, or they genuinely love and care for you. and they think you dont feel it. so they just repeat it to you. and repeat. and repeat. and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.and repeat.

did that irritate u? yes it surely did.

children should be seen and not heard.
why do they want to hear so much from me? must i be accountable for every little nitty gritty thing like what i ate for lunch, how much meat i ate. asking me to drop my commitments one by one to focus on studies when i'm really doing that already. and i'm doing my best at that.

ok, i've been really busy recently. so busy until cant even sleep well. but busy-ness wont last! after next week i'll be back to normal. its just a few events happening at once this week thats all.
i need a break. but i know it will come soon. so for now. cant i just be seen and not heard?

2008-07-17T05:49:00.000-07:00

okiee tag replies. i've never done this everr.. hehe but i dunno why so many ppl...
btw, if u've not been here for sometime...PLEASE SCROLL DOWN TO READ THE 2nd LATEST POST.. hahaha tyy.

lois x5: i've updated!! lol and i cant believe u made friends with rondaaa hahahah!! and yes i was emoing in the car.. was super late la like 1230am.
ronda x4: lol stupid ronda i'm not loisy or lousy. stupidd both of u gang up against me. i cant run la ok! super unfit! hahh and i rly dunno when i can go over to wesley, willl find a date! u should find a date to visit agape too!
jolyn: ehheh jolyn im sorry i couldnt check my facebook earlier and go talk to you, but i rly miss you and i hope everything's going on well now:) the song is healer.. hillsong!
Elissa: eh eli-bear-has-grizzly-hair, hahah where did i hear that before?? thxx for taggingg
arieo: hey ariel, (whoaa my tagboard rly has quite a lot of girls tagging) have you changed ur blogskin!! hahha intriguingg mehh... and hehe ariel is a guy. train steady thats why can do qt in the train! andd. still singing to your wedded wife is more romantic than singing with her.. i still think like that hahaha. BRUDDER.
the transcendent one daniel: i WAS a black spidey... hahahaa
shuyi: heyy shuuuuuuuu we'll eatt like crazy this saturday ahh... has been quite a long time..
jody: linked! hope to see you around again jody:)
BEI: haha actually i thought it was one of the christabels, but thanks yibei for tagging.. i'll go arrange with you for icecream one day k! haiz u got the nicest uniform.
dels: hahaha delci u've seen me in that state before la.. i rly like the song too, the sec4s played that in chapelton. somebody was baking stuff at home.

2008-07-11T10:53:00.000-07:00

tired = easier to get emo.
poor results trigger it off, top it up with a few hurting comments, woots... but nope i was still ok no prob.

a conversation in a car led me to think of my past, and placed me exactly in my own shoes 1 year ago, about this time of the year as well. about how everything just seemed to suck and ur against the world and the world is against you. about how nobody ever SEEMS to understand cause they have it all, and i didnt. or perhaps i couldnt see that i had so much?
loneliness creeps in at every moment. a casual reply from a friend can be interpretted as daoing. a quick short snappy reply after asking a question of genuine care can be interpretted as not wanting to talk to you.

a slight edge in tone of voice can be interpretted as superiority over you.
it just leads you to do something desperate, something bad. you want to hurt someone, it can be a friend, it can be someone you dont know, it can be someone you dont care about, it can even be yourself.

i must have went around hurting ppl in small ways. it came out like nobody's business.. i remember being the spiderman in the black suit, just being so myself, feeling so powerful, running away from God cause i thought he couldnt do much about my situation, then running back in desperation. but sometimes, God calls you to walk alone. (quoted from miss kwok, yes, Dorcas Kwok. she said this when i shared about my story in trackers.)
i've always struggled about why some are weak, and some are just so strong and seem to have everything. and most recently, why the strong cant understand the weak properly. its exactly like they say, if you havent been there, and really there, how could you judge or just imagine urself to be the person, placing urself in his shoes? perhaps its more than bad grades, bad friends, bad family? perhaps there are many other things piling up day after day as well?

unconciously, the emo hurt others and still find no satisfaction from it. then they try hurting themselves.
its still in my archives, the post i posted last year about hurting myself, and i'm not afraid to share it now because i've moved out of that phase. it was a post about keeping away all the sharp objects in my room.. i hated myself to the max. (ttm) i hated the world and God's unfairness. and i just couldnt understand why i was so solo, so alone.
like what i told my sis, i believe some of my friends til today still can look at me with the same attitude.. i cant do anything about it because we have all moved on, and the memories ppl have of me are still so 07.
thinking about what i heard in the car made me realise how unconcious i was in the way i treated my friends. i returned what i assumed as dao-age for pure dao-age. i didnt practice what i preached. i couldnt hang on to God as much as i said i could, shifting in and out of being in contact with God. it was a war raging within, sometimes the lighter side winning and sometimes the other. it was hard to judge, even for myself, what kind of person i was. u could conclude safely i was struggling. definitely not a good example for many of my friends who thought i was walking well with God.

i remembered as an emo kid in an emo state, i might have done attention seeking stuff, be it expressing my hurt and angst openly for ppl to see, or blogging here for my regulars to read. but the true fact i knew is that nothing, nothing they ever did could make up for the hurt i felt. even if they showed care or concern, i would have seen it as deliberate, an attempt to get me back in the clique. an attempt to act holy and do what the christian should. the darkness doesnt stop, it consumes like a poison and while it may have felt good to the emoing soul, it does more harm and your soul never recovers.

til the day i let it go on my own, i handed over the struggle entirely to God, i showed no rebellious signs back to my teachers or friends was i fully able to walk in the light again. i denied my emo feelings to accept what the few of my friends offered me, and suddenly the fakeness of helping became true genuine help. Christ shone through them like never before cause my eyes were open to receive it. in a way, i humbled myself, denying every human feeling to accept love and concern, and slowly i knew my wounded soul was healing.
those were the great days of the study period. the days after school was over and i had the time to spend with God and study..

it all boils back to one thing. if you love God, you will love his people. Christ alone compels us to love, even if no one loves us. elijah emoed cause he was the last prophet left and everyone was out to kill him. But God provides, he reserved the few for him.

its crazy how small we think God is at times.

i believe you're my healer
i believe you're more than enough for me
Jesus you're all I need.

2008-07-09T10:21:00.000-07:00

i am torn. to do what i have to.

sometimes its hard making decisions. to let it go or hold on.
to let something slip out of your mouth when there's no agenda.
to reveal a side of you that may build others up, and yet it may stumble as well,
perhaps losing other's respect? and yet your soul cries out for some attention?

to deny feelings and thiss urghhh that tells you you want it so bad and you need it,
but its just a lie from the devil, there is only one thing we need.

stripped and polished, i am new. i am fresh.
only God shows us how caught up in other stuff we are. only He brings us back down to who we truly are and what we truly have. nothing.
And, also shows us what we truly need. one thing.

He gives and takes away, but here and now, my heart has chosen to say.
Lord, blessed be your name :)

2008-06-29T09:17:00.000-07:00

i'm so happy today! the long awaited 5th sunday is finally over and i'm really really tired but satisfied... its times like these that make school really seem horrible not cause of the fun, but cause everything's just so productive. friendships strengthened, good workout, and the youth another step closer to revival.

i cant believe the growth, i couldnt believe we're really seeing things happen..
on one hand, something is telling me "this is just too easy", because it does seem like all this had been achievable by just planning and doing and spending time on stuff. and yet another voice tells me its really God who has been working in the background to guide us, aid us and grant us his grace, which is obvious!
How many things could have went wrong?
How many people could have been implicated/stumbled because of them?
and yet God made it possible for us to experience what we went through today, PTL!

everyone looked whacky and fantastic... but i'd say all of us look good in anything we wear, retro or not:)
besides... the hall made everyone look good regardless of what we wore.. thanks to the fellowship ministry consisting of so many girls and one guy terry!
and of course, the worship team. thanks corrine and guys who practiced the time has come for so long.. indeed today's rendition of the time has come was the best one everr... loud ttm!!! ttm means to the max!!

John 4:23
"Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks."

boys and girls, the verse says the time has come. Let us be worshipers that the Father seeks!

to those who are in the process of training and getting rdy to serve in the worship min, persevere on and i'm sure when you get intergrated into it u'll be able to cope much better! though it does seem fun and cool just being on stage, there's really more to worship. our spiritual disciplines, our daily walk with God, and lots and lots of admin work to be done. its not impossible to do well without musical talents, but your hard work now will pay off in the future so jiayou!

after which was worship practice for next week's worship.. indeed it was a tiring day...
then basketball.
then badminton.
altogether i have spend 9-7 on saturday in church, and 9-8 today.. more or less.. its just so tiring but really, really productive.

just now, my dad spoke to me and my sis in quite a harsh tone. and i cannot understand why, he says he heard that both of us had been organising the recent suppers and all, and told us to do it less, like in moderation. and i think he doesnt like it one bit because of his tone... here are several possible things that came across my mind:

1. He may wanna spend and see more of us at home, because we've been out too much these few days.

2. He thinks we dont respect him (because of our poor accountibility skills, yes i'm sure its not just both of us but youths in general. accountibility means reporting where u go, what time and when u'll be home)

3. He doesnt get why the youth is suddenly organising so many activities and he's concerned that we're devoting too much time to church rather than to other things, eg. studies/family.

4, and this is what i hope isnt the case. He doesnt accept the fact that youth ministry is getting fired up, and is having the "adult's syndrome". and the "adult's syndrome", not implying all adults believe in this, is that they think youth ministry is something small, something inexperienced, and still not as holy/ practical/ close to God as themselves.. this is normal in many churches and as a youth, i dont like it when an adult portrays himself as a much more mature and holy individual when in fact his life doesnt show it. Integrity is something we must have, failing which we will stumble many others...

thinking about my father, who played a part in the many organising of activities (he organised the bbq rmb?) i didnt go up to him personally to thank him for doing something like that for the youth. perhaps he needs to know that what he did surely strengthened the bonds and relationships in the youth and maybe sparked off the recent surge of events... over the last month, recallign everything..the events were:

hillsong concert, cycling outing, dad's bbq, shopping for retro day,
not to mention the countless times of daily scooping, supper and good talks, basketball after sundays and swimming occasionally. all these have played their part and the response was humongous. its so encouraging to see God in all these, reassuring as he promises to be with us and never forsake us, we see him working over time, slowly.

my only concern now is that this oneness and unity we're seeing will not be another social clique, because many christians see their church that way, but believe that as we knit together as one in Christ's love, we draw closer to Him as well.

Ephesians 4:3-6
"Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to one hope when you were called— one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all."

being "one in Christ" vs being "one".
the difference? worlds. the difference is Christ.
this seems to be what separates the social clique from church...

i really wanna post pics but blogger will take tooo long. those who dont have facebook, i URGE YOU TO GET AN ACCOUNT CAUSE FACEBOOK IS REALLY A GREAT PHOTOSHARING RESOURCE!

cant wait for next sunday, youth day, and also the first week of OCTOPUS! i wonder what adults with "adults' syndrome" are gonna say... hahaha but lets just go for Christ.
its all or nothing. wooot for this super long post...
1 timothy 4:12
"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity."

2008-06-27T10:58:00.000-07:00

wooooootss back to blogging cause i feel like it...
cause exams are overr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and usually i'd emo after every exam.. but this exam i dont know... it may be cause i didnt put in my very best, or it may be cause i'm giving myself lee way.. after all i'm clueless about econs and lit still. how to study, how to answer??
for math, it has been e same problem, nothing new.. just lack time and lack practice.
they say u cant piah a levels last min. i'm wondering if it'll be the same as sec3... so busy until cannot catch up, til the last min then everything fits.. if that were to happen to me next year, maths is so gone!
and chinese.. i need xuhui and ian to spur me on.. there's totally no sense of struggle for me... ahhh..
nonetheless its over.. i guess i needa change my attitude towards chinese totally... A orals are just next monday btw... wad in the world... hope they ask about mas selemat or myannmar... pls spare me from politics and conservation.

but rly, this time i'm not emoing or creating a new blogskin. i doubt i will even after the results collections..

i've been meeting howkiat and janice very often this week, for ice cream (yes i pissed my dad off cause i came back late for dinner:() and shopping for retro clothes on thursday. thanks ariel for organising! we should all take turns to organise activities!! many times we see ppl asking around but dont bother to thank them after all the effort they've made. lois for the cycling outing, and joel for the many supper offers... thank God for them and great bonding. looking forward to this sunday's retro theme, i hope its gonna be a hit for the youth and something that will welcome many others as well!

today there was the trackers alumni gathering, theme on "how has your journey of faith been?"
pastor kaiming got me to share for no reason, and i just came up with smth on the spot, noting to myself again, that so evidently has my life changed and i shouldnt be thinking i'm still the same, lonely emo one again. this year i've gained a different kind of victory, and though i may not have entirely won, i would say my faith has increased by leaps and bounds and there has been some "overcoming of the world", cause we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us:)

a short while back, i was thinking if all these regurgitation of verses and remembering about Christ's spirit in me was all done through indoctrination and exposure to the faith from young... the more i thought about it the more i wanted to believe that this faith is humanly possible. but no, the holy spirit still told me that it lives, it breathes and it gives me new insight, not me who gives myself insight. how could i have doubted that the holy spirit is actually just myself? no, it is from God! the times where it convicts me, the times where God's love just flows and the times where it gives me strength to stand up against my fears, enemies, hard teachings. i believe it lives and breathes in me.

the trackers gathering was fantastic, with rly thought involking speeches by uncle david and pastor kaiming.. that the valleys are where we develop our character. i suppose this is true, even for non christians.. its the tough times that make us stronger. just that... "strength" here is defined differently from the non christian and the christian.. wanna know more? ask me!
Got to meet up with ben, michele, ronda, dionne, jolyn, glenda, shawn, pkm, elizabeth, meiping, kheng, not to mention CHRISTABEL whom i see everyday... though jared and eugene didnt go... haiz. and i realised trackers is actually dominated by girls. or perhaps girls are just more emo and are more likely to turn up for such gatherings..
worship was cool with wanlin and sheldon. though it was seriously last minute and i didnt know what i was playing, explaining why it was so noisy and loud... i hope the time of worship was still good and refreshing for all of us trackers to worship in one body:)

playing the guitar is really fun and awesome recently... i'm gonna be playing for 3 weeks straight, this sun and the next two... i hope i dont burn out seriously... my burn level is super low ever since school started. gotta keep praying for a perseverant spirit and strength to sustain.. in case fire runs out..

pics will be up next time! misss all the trackers so much! stupid daye.. and vicky..
cant wait for tmr man... but will needa cab to church again. wooot heavy..

BASKET DAY!!!

2008-06-15T07:41:00.000-07:00

so today was rather fun!!!!

had lots of fun....

super duper alot of fun.....

know why??

cuz today is SUNday....

is father's day today!!!

HAPPY FATHER DAY TO ALL FATHERS!!!!

so church today was full of food!!!! food everywhere!!!

yummy!!!but believe it or not!!! I DID NOT MANAGE TO EAT!!!!

CAUSE I ON "DIET"(phew arg)

anywayz.....played basketball with some of my church friends!!!

and guess wad, the first round the oldies trash us!!!(except lois cuz she's around the same age as us, the rest are 10 - 12 years older then us!!!)

SUPER DUPER HOT LAR TODAY!!!

OHOH....AND U KNOW WAD...TODAY ME ARIEL AND HOWIE WORE THE SAME GREEN SHIRT!!!(and we were all super sweaty after the game)imagine the shirt!!!

YAY!!!!!HAD SO MMUCH FUN UNDER THE SUN...CAN SUNTAN!!!

ok got to end now!!!night ppl!!!
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okk no prizes for guessing who just blogged for me!! whahhaha i thought i had nothing to blog about but apparently i do...
a lot of motivation is lost recently.. makes me just wanna run, bounce ball, swim and do lotsa sports to tire myself out, maybe its just fatigue laa.. but i rly couldnt sit still to do just 2 hours of maths in one day.
i looked back at Equipping the Saints' main theme on making time available for the Lord. "teach us to number our days, so we may gain a heart of wisdom". Psalm 90:12. yess, at least i managed to memorise that verse cause it convicts me too much. i can spend one day, starting from 1.30 cause i just woke up. then crapping on the com til 3pm. then realising its quite late so i must study... and by the time i start its 4pm, til 6. and for these 2 hours, i'm messaging what do to after dinner... what crap.

its been crappy, just wasting time and well, even spending it on QT is tons more valuable...

my motivation... flew away. like literally.
it just doesnt seem proper when something so close to you isnt around anymore..
in times like these, how do we go back to God and tell him, you're the only one i ever need, the only motivation i need to get my work done? and that he is all that we're working for?

i shall repost my cool statement i've posted 2 times before, we're "called to be the man and woman we should be" whoaa sounds pro right. actually not rly, but whenever it echoes in my mind i feel this drive for excellence...

lets go lets go, mai tu liao... its just started..

2008-06-13T23:57:00.000-07:00

in my rockstar dreams.....
i picture myself playing like this dude!! and this genre of music!
alt metal/rock.

FREAK KITCHEN IS SUPER GOODD!

2008-06-09T10:57:00.000-07:00

Pretty Eyes - Chad Blondel

Chad blondel came to faith methodist church tt day, must say i'm not a gigger actually, couldnt really connect with the band, but made no mistake checking out his CD when ariel lent it to me..
this dude is seriously talented and some of his tracks are fantastic... this song in particular was written for his girlfriend, and mind she really has nice eyes hahaha... i cant help but feel emo and think whenever i hear it, i totally love it!! urghh if only there were tabs for this song. Ariel and i will totally jam it man... its solo sounds great too.. ahhaha and i saw his secret pedal! whahha i shall get it and get his sound aahahah...

cause baby, this is what you're doing to me...
you made me think that my life before you was just loneliness..

eh but seriously, no girl can really transform you just like how God can... must remember that its really not all about the girl... hahah you despo guys. admit it la, why you all whack me when i said all guys are despo. i may be claiming about myself but i'm sure u all also like that la... dun come put on a macho show and whack me OK! hahaha....
feelings are really hard to control, i suppose joel had a point lah. i'm happy God granted me grace to control mine, if not things will get wayyy out of hand.

moving on, church camp was awesome! i got to make some new friends, caught up with ppl from church that i never really did. one of which was alvin's dad... i didnt even know he was around in church all the while. whole day train at playing pool.. hahaha.
then ardella, who is pretty soft spoken actually but humourous in a way...
another was clarisse, my sis' goood friend since how long. dillon's sister!! and i never really talked to her all these years til now.. just realised she's quite cute la, chubby also hahaha. (not implying anything elseee, sorry lois!)

its pretty sad ariel came alone, but nonetheless i'm sure it was fun and good bonding together as a church for him. if his sister came, i'm sure the girls would have even more fun. terry seemed to have a great time too haha!! the younger ones like sai wan and her sis.. i was movedd and convinced our ministry is indeed growing... for pictures, visit my sister's blog or any other blog lol.. tons of them.

btw, HOWKIAT COULDNT COME CAUSE OF EXAMS... but its ok, honour God with ur studies, he'll be equally if not more pleased! and camps arent everything la... ahhaha... wait til december man...

ok now i'm back, and its only early june. i suddenly realise 20th june is my first paper, which is next friday. technically it means i have less than 10 days to study for 3 huge, new papers... why does june seem so short! its unfair!! and i cant rly play this week and the next already... it seems i have to go full stream like O levels again... hmss i hope i can find my determination and discipline back...

recently i've realised how stressful and tiring and scary being in the youth comm can be... and i'm finally seeing a situation which is so huge, so devastating, that God's power and glory can shine through again. it has been pretty stagnant and nothing much has been going on after the hillsong concert, and now i finally know why and see why. many things in the youth com are administrative, man driven that sometimes we really need something huge to let us rely on God... i've also realised the importance of my position in the com, and what potential i have actually... reminding myself once again, all we need is a broken and contrite heart, and the willingness to be used.

God CAN choose you, if you let him.
on a closer analysis, he DOESNT HAVE to choose you, but he can.
AND, you have to give it all to him.
obviously, i'm hinting something here. youth camp 08 is upcoming! and if you feel a burden in your heart to serve in an area, let me know! i already have people in mind, but if you have the want to, step up and see God working!

everyone was pretty dead tired on sunday.. i slept on saturday evening til 12+am, and then proceeded to do the worship slides for sunday. i still must tell joel and alvin, why should i play acoustic when my electric can go cleaner than an acoustic! its simply funnyyy. acoustic can go brriiiiing, but it never sparkles as much as my strat... acoustic can go CHIKKK, but it never crunches as much as my strat too. plus acoustic is fat. its real late, time to go!!

2008-06-02T08:07:00.000-07:00

sometimes for the sake of other people, you gotta deny yourself and your feelings. and yes, its painful to a certain extend, and usually it works well..

but when it becomes not being true to yourself at all, how do u cope with it?

i hate mixed feelings, i'd rather be sad.

2008-05-30T11:13:00.000-07:00

Reasons why a keith shouldnt bodybuild.

i was totally in some state of stupidness after i quit my bodybuilding mindset. after 2 days of it.
yes, thats right, 2 days. when holidays started i told myself yes i'm gonna take this time to exercise, go gym, keep fit, work out, build muscles, and hopefully do my pull ups to pass napfa after june.
so on monday, mark and i went to pine grove to swim our brains out... then used the gym for a while.
next day muscles ached, whoa shiok.... felt good.

til i realised what bodybuilding is really like.. it means no freedom of food, no late nights, hours spend at the gym every week. to max it out, you gotta spend money on protein powder for best results. its not that i dont have the discipline to do it, its the hols man!... i am capable of it.. but why do we want great bodies... hms. because of this, i quit..
i guess the answer is because we are always constantly wanting to improve our physical self...
if you look at it from another point of view, u cant even eat chicken rice. you cant stay 2 hours longer online to talk to a dear late night friend. you are basically wasting time at the gym, cause nothing gets in your head.

ok some might argue gymming in the long run does make you.. well. more determined, focused. built a perseverant character, because when you have the mind to push your body to its max, usually you can do it for whatever situations or rubbish you're in... be it problems faced in sch, homework, etc. somehow, bodybuilders to me seem different.

having a nicer body also builds up confidence... but why does it build up confidence? i also dunno.
when i feel toned, i just feel stronger, like i'm a cooler guy. there's no basis at all for a feeling like that... not that i will be able to get more girls?? not that i want any girl at this point of my life!? not that i'll be able to look better than the guy next door, whatever for? hey dude. you're skinny and i'm buff.. haha i feel good. ahhahaha. NOT.

evaluate the confidence you gain from being physically complete. is it true confidence? its the same kind of confidence ppl gain by cutting a 2nd eyelid, getting a bust enhancement. its all momentary, and sooner or later people will still see you for who you truly are. and you know, you know you're still the same as ever inside.

its a very selfish thing, in that your body being huge and sexy doesnt really affect other people's mindsets, only yours. perhaps it makes them jealous. but jealous over what?

ok, NS is a great reason... but still. i just need to keep fit, dont i? do i really need to be buff?
lets just say what got me started off is nothing more than peer pressure and the need to do my pull ups. because i really am not aiming for girls. perhaps i will do it again next year in preps for NS, but that will be next year's affairs.

this is me consolidating my thoughts:
there are needs everywhere.. people who need ministering to. homework that needs to be done. exams to be studied for. as well as all the church stuff put together, which includes daily quiet time, praying for the church. putting others before yourself... time is a factor.
furthermore, my confidence comes from the Lord, in whom i trust and believe will provide for me. he will scrape me through NS, napfa. And in his time, maybe even provide my soulmate.
i gotta learn to rely less on myself, cause no human effort can attain what God hasnt placed in His will..

oh well, ministry!!!! :)

hehe i hope this gets some of my friends thinking, especially those who are guilty of not being content with their own bodies! rmb you were fearfully and wonderfully made.. no matter how horrible you think you look, there will be a bunch who will still think highly of you. its not all about the looks, more of who you truly are inside; what you say, do, do not say, do not do, all reflect your personality.
knowing all these really does bring comfort to me.

okay, after this post, there will definitely be a small bunch of people who will go, hahah what a loser mindset.. weakling.
look at yourself, everyone is weak in some areas of their lives..
you cant have everyone loving you everytime, right?

2008-05-25T10:19:00.000-07:00

okayy its sunday and i'm tired but accomplished:)
somehow, there's a disturbance within me for the whole of today... a slight one that feels like a huge burden, well i suppose it was due to just the sermon, or the church... ytd at the hillsong concert. but other than that, everything's fantastic...
its so nice for the youth to want to attend the concert! 28 of us altogether and i'm so happy... never regretted helping them get ticss. the worship was awesome... so good that i was really tired.. but at my most tiredd point, the worship leader said "we're just getting started".. nice man.

some really disturbing things to me...
1. come buy t shirts and cds!
2. sermon
3. "you guys want more?" YESHHHH
"lets sing some hymms!" yay.... yay...

i mean that is why you dont just go scream for more when the dude asks you. cause the worship was great and more than enough for me and i'm sure God was pleased... we shouldnt say we want more worship when we just want more music.
but lets face it, when its a concert, people just want to jump and have fun... so actually, the dude shouldnt have posed such a worship-oriented question to everyone... kinda takes ppl on a short guilt trip.

besides the fact that they were commerciallising like mad, (despite alr collecting 5 bucks per ticket, yes) the sermon was disturbing to me... yes to me. i wont put it on the blog for now, it deserves a proper one on its own.

following which i sent the guys off before hillsong played Solution, and then went back to get eagles conference fliers from ronda.. dball and janan were there too.. took pics, saw dionne's cute brother who actually looks quite old and mature already... hahaha. the pics do him injustice. or the presence of dionne just kiddifies him hahhaa...
of course, wanlin and jing wen...
then met delci, i cant believe she actually planned to go back alone, thats like huh! so late and so far away!
but we discussed about the sermon.. i suppose it rly did affect many of us in a way... and also how our hols are gonna be. well its much better for me than for her anyway.. perhaps with the time given to study for mids...

but all in all i'm so sure the youth got to worship well! Even today when we were playing i felt the holy spirit move... and even i could worship while playing and to be honest, i only played 2 wrong notes today... which is a great improvement:) AND my tone rocked... wish dil could have played though... but chinese comes first of course, studies is equally important to God.

i dont know, but i just feel its a bit hard to invite ppl to Agape, esp if they dont stay within the west boundary. ok fine, its just tough getting people to church in general, but its still great cutter got to go to trinity today, ptl. i was a bit discouraged at night, but then that is where the whole idea of serving in worship kicked it. we serve for God, not for man. we do it for Him alone, no one else. Its not about showmanship, its not about standing upfront on stage. its just getting the worship and God's message across. immediately the feeling just left... whatever burdens, whatever feelings of being pangsehed. nothing else mattered more than Him.
in trackers i learned a term, its called "centre".

its means to place jesus at the centre of your life, where all focus is on him alone.

sometimes we serve for OTHER YOUTH's BENEFIT, sometimes we serve cause THERES NO ONE ELSE, sometimes we serve cause WE'RE POTENTIAL PROS, AND WE"RE SPOTTED, sometimes cause WE LOVE PLAYING GUITAR/DRUMS/SINGING. but no, those are only reasons to start you off in ministry. when ur in, "CENTRE-ing" is what we are called to do. there can only be one reason why we serve, and its because we love jesus. there can only be one way we get the strength to do so, that it is to run on his spirit, if not we're sure to fall. i've been through ups and downs in the worship ministry, and well,

"how to get a steady source of sustainance" is what i'm exploring now, and yeah, i'm giving myself time to learn too. QT isnt easy to do everyday, plus the devil does attack at times. but we know God works for the good of those who love him:) thank God for a great service today.

kinda looking forward to the church camp... family-fied theme. ppl of all ages doing same activities... who knows if something would happen in my family? today we chose group names... and i suggested "love" out of the list. reason's pretty simple...
somehow doubts on how usual family overseas trips always turn out are getting into my head, definitely calls for more prayer. i believe its gonna be a new and exiting experience:)
basketball in the afternoon was fun too.. i'm just getting too larthagic to move much haha. but before i even broke the unfit barrier, it rained.. oh well.

enjoy ur holidays folks! while i get rdy to go to bed and wake up for chinese remedial tmr -.- btw, dillon's having chinese A levels tmr... cant imagine whats going through his head now... probably nothing cause he's asleep. all the best bro!

2008-05-23T11:34:00.000-07:00

okayy its time for some picturess... i dug this out from somewhere... some of them are really hilarious!!

i think this is one of the last cool shots we took as the comm..

hehehe, youth camp 07. WE ARE THE WINNING TEAM.

sorry, i had to post this!! our legs were half in the sand:)

bio project... we baked our cake/bread...
and got super enthu about it so we posed with it. I KNOW DAME LAME WHEN I SAW IT I WAS LAUGHING LIKE MADD. LOOK AT HOW SKINNY I WAS.

heh? no fungi?

T11 picss...

me acting boss.. cause bonnie's shades called for it..

me and cutter going high on blackforest ice cream.. we finished a whole tub... after tt we really got high.

solopoh and the guys..

this was when we went back to fairfield for some.. saturday thing..

joel acting macho. actually this picture is hilarious!

me natty and annabel. she's still in school hahahaha..

another pic of annabel and i. i want long hair..

ice cream war... first i stuffed it in rophis face.

then delci didnt want it anymore.

then i tried getting nicol to eat also.

"COME CHERYL HAVE A BITEE ITS ONLY AN ICE CREAM."
"noooo pleasee donttttt.............. rophii ate from itttt AHHHHHHHHHH"
hahah cheryl has this super cute face.

BB guys!! new or old or VERY OLD. woops derrick sorry.
i think samuel ate the ice cream :)

4F and 4E... we totally rock.. wish i could leave my hair like i used to.

Jessica and my sister.. koolest girls in gb. not.

2008-05-20T22:28:00.000-07:00

nowadays i'm rly talking lesser. even i'm starting to neglect my emo feelings and all, i dun seem to be able to blog lotsa thoughts already.

anw, why is it that God doesnt reveal himself to everyone? indeed, you choose to be chosen. but placing me in a christian family is really something i should be greatly thankful about. and then i still struggle, i still ask for so much, i still sin.
i'm already in a much better position than many people in the world...having a faith in Him who is higher than all created things. having experienced his love and mercy first hand. knowing this God is real, and i wont be stumbled by what people say... and yet i still feel so human. what has happened to my calling? could it be that when i'm in it i feel like its getting routinal, and i'm just living day to day, only waking up on sundays.
perhaps not, perhaps its just today that feels this way.

it seems like a sense of hopelessness that has brought about this heck-care attitude of mine. the relac one korner attitude.. theres no urgency and no rush...
and i'm afraid i'm about to be broken real badly very soon... if its in His will..

bonnie is right, if u cant reveal everything in your blog, then it totally defeats the purpose of having a blog. then again, why do i need a blog to cast my cares and burdens out? another human factor.

my head screams its time to mug... but my soul screams no.. i got stuff to settle with my friend. his name starts with j.

2008-05-19T10:01:00.000-07:00

w0wowo0o0o0o....
i'm kinda wowo by the click five song happy birthday. mark and soloman kept singing it but i was onli reminded of it today after celebrating enping's!

today the jamming thing went not bad.. though it could have been tons better with caleb and nat.. they were absent. and i felt like super wannabe cause i was wearing my jeans and the tight fit shirt the guys bought for me on my bday.. and all 5 of us had to pay 11bucks for the 3 hours... ex sioll.
and my pedalboard weighs a ton.

after thinking for a while. i'm beginning to wonder if i'm rly a guitarist or not... caleb was telling me about his band, and his guitarist being real good and stuff. and i'm wondering why havent i picked up faster solos and stuff. honestly, u ask me to practice sweeping scales, i really dont have the patience and passion to do... if i dont like that aspect of guitar, i think i'm not rly that cut out... oh well.
so i think this is an area i have to slowly move away from. myself, as the guitarist... after all i'm playing lesser and lesser in other places (home especially) and more and more in church.
the more i look at it, the lesser i am a guitarist, more of a worshipper...
but i still wanna do fast solos.. hm.

oh ya and did i mention about my guitar strike? i went on one last week.. focused more on the word. i must say, before ministry comes our relationship with God.. something i really learned over the past few weeks... details can ask me:)

its been pretty long since i last blogged, perhaps lack of time or stuff. but rly, my life has been less happening. which may be a good thing cause there's really less stress on my mind now. just mug, pray, mug. having some time off is good too... like GOING FOR NIGHT STUDY ALONE.
so scary la, all the j2s. thank God val was there, hahaha... it... made me feel less lonely. not to mention her parents sent me home too... so nice of them.

i'm so messed up.. tmrs gonna be a tough day with pe, all the subs. and lit essay i still owe... hm dionne keeps saying chill chill. she saw someone on the mrt today. far from chill man...

anyway, i was the onli dude who didnt wish enping happy birthday on his actual date, 16th. and delci's asleep now on her birthday, cause shes totally dead beat. this is dedicated to the both of them!
its HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Hey you
I know I'm in the wrong
Time flies (yes we're 17)
When you're having fun (in poly/ac)
You wake up
Another year is gone
You're sixteen.

I guess you wanna know
Why I'm still online
It's been a day or so
I know it's kind of late (YES ITS 120AM)
But Happy Birthday

Yeah yeah whoa
I know you hate me
Yeah yeah whoa
Well I miss you, too (haha u know right enping)
Yeah yeah I know
I know it's kinda late (ITS 121AM)
But Happy Birthday

So hard
When you're far away (no la its me cause cj is far)
It's lame but I forgot the date (well.. time flies right)
I won't make the same mistake
I'm so to blame

So now you know
Don't stop viewing my blog
I wish I was at home (i am btw)
I know it's way too late (ITS 123AM)
But Happy Birthday

It's not that I don't care
You know I'll make it up to you (YA LIKE WISHING U ON TIME NEXT YEAR HAHA)
If I could, I'd be there

if i could, i'd be there.

2008-05-11T05:11:00.000-07:00

3 hours. 3 hours MORE a day is all i need...
if one day had 27 hours. i rly think i can fit everything in nicely.
i mean, i am already fitting everything in nicely, but its obvious that sleep is compromised...

to sum it all up, what happened this week, what caused the frustrations and emo spurts. what caused headaches, fatigue and all. a good rest is all that is needed.

so now, its time to mug..
was feeling regretful about not going to gdop, but then i realised i dont have to honour God by going there to pray. i just have to study hard for chem tmr:)

all the best t11 chem dudes..
time for more BONDING.

2008-05-07T08:51:00.000-07:00

i'm eating what seems to me as the nicest cheesecake in the world..
ok its just a coffee bean one... seems to be, right...

this week has been filled with sweets. ice cream, cake, etc. all making me fat.
i looked back at just sec4 pics, whoaa huge difference man, how did i gain all these wait. its only a mere 4kg difference...
ok physicals aside, tertiary life certainly is different... you start to think if raging hormones just came in, as if its puberty stage 2.
and then again, it calls for discipline stage 2. and a greater height of spiritual maturity.

seriously, i'm not some holy dude. i'm living my life.. and i'm sorry if i've offended anyone who chances upon this blog who wishes to know more about keith.. blogs arent good gauges..

i'm just starting to think how i'd be like if i were in poly.. most prob less fat, better built. tight fitting tees and skinny jeans. leaving my guitar in class and stuff... jamming every week. i had this all planned last year sheesh. but it seems now i'm in a cleaner's uniform gaining weight...
still, does the look and appearance really matter? is that all that matters?

no one defines me but God, imma be myself:)
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2008-05-04T00:00:00.000-07:00

sunday afternoon and i finally have the free time of blogging! in fact i've been wanting to do this since friday because this week has indeed been a great week, with labour day holiday and sports day on friday!
it suddenly dawned on me during cell that my cell group had been praying for more rest for me this week cause i totally burned out last week, being even busier on my weekends than weekdays..and then comes labour day and sports day, PTL.
btw, with relevance to my previous post.. i have to say i was talking about myself...

monday night i had dinner with gramps, and i find i'm starting to love and treat them better these days, it may be because the nun my PW group spoke to left something in me, to cherish and treat the older relatives of mine with more love and respect... what she said just strucked me so hard, i realised how much i've neglected my grandparents... how much they have done for me, though usually grandparents dont do much for their grandchildren. so yep, dinner was great.

tuesday night i met with the intaj boys, shawn, jared and eugene.. great time of sharing at city hall.. (before that i had 2 free ben and jerry's ice cream of course, haha ronda and dionne!) nice to see all of you moving on so strongly, and that what we learned in trackers still remains in our heads.. everything was nice except the food hahah.

wednesday night was the REAL intaj meeting, at wendy's place with pastor kaiming and the girls... the best part was when we all shared about our recent praise reports and what we're struggling with... super enriching to hear everyone share, it took about 1.5 hours! and then pizza... Ben came late and we were all laughing at him... as quoted:

"the girls in my school... err arent very very intelligent... but i find that i can fit in well la" (serious tone)
thats uber funny la! haha ben is super funny... but thanks for coming all the way down, though u live so far away, and went to wendy's mum's place instead LOL... ben is so funnyy.

ok, labour day! wake up late! had a good rest. was suppose to play soccer with wenjie, but so many guys couldnt go... including nat.. oh well..
lunch with corrine and our band was the best... the food was great, the atmosphere was great, and its just so fun to sit for 3 hours doing nothing but eating and playing some irritating repetitous game! hahaa pig pile! and at the last part i won!! cause lois fed me with the card hahaha.... should have seen the look on janice's face!

after that, i went home to dress act cool for the night's play.. shakespeare on love. met up with T11 guys at the mrt station, and cutter was looking super beng la hahahah... and his pants makes ppl wanna rip it off. soloman liked my heart pinkk tie so i lent it to him, and i wore my red one instead hahah... steph wore some really girly long dress, and she looked anything but buff, so those ppl (like me) actually ate our words on that day hahaha... kaiwei looked like a primary school teacher too, like buffy...
christabel looked like a zebra, black and white everywhere but still really nice, and belle looked too mature for how she rly is.. ahahah ~ehh~ sorryy...
guys, nothing much la cause all of us wore black shirt, jeans. except yunsong!! wear white!

the play was good, new exposure and i could appreciate it alr even on my first one. i am right la, lit is a subject for me. Othello was the most impressive... when the black dude acted i could almost feel like i was othello, blinded by iago's deceptions so much that he didnt even bother to find out the real truth..
it brought to my mind the verse which says the devil comes to steal, kill and destroy... how true and apt for the story of othello and iago!
the actors were funny.. and the female actors were pretty, overall, it was super worth it! 8.60 for a shakespeare play, once in a few years leh! more worth than ironman!

the class went to drink after that, but i dont rly know if they really did that la.. sherrie mark bel and i walked with them to the pub/bar/wadever, stayed a while before rushing off to catch the last train... thank God we all made it home lol, if not, $$$$$$$$$ zzz. cab la.

and the next day we actually ran for sports day though everyone slept like 1+ 2... funnyyy...
basketball was great, soo fun though we got trashed every round cause j2s were playing with us! so bad right! think we disappointed elissa, she's a basketball player so i suppose expectations and pride are different... whereas i'm just, JUST, a basketball player. rly horrible.. my shots are my best asset and now i couldnt even score one... all bouncing off the rims. but well at least i scored a few... elissa scored everything else hahaha...
after lunch together with the j2 class, made a new friend called deborah who's also into worship in her church... i went back to fairfield to see things!! UNFORTUNATELY, parade for BB has ended, and i only saw a few boys training to be drill instructors...
however i got to see the gb girls in action, my sister and jessica leading girls everywhere.. whoa never see before lor! suddenly, i felt like my sister is not young or stupid anymore.. she knows what she's doing and she does it well... even better than me. respect la.. i suppose we should really not look down on younger youth... they may be so much better than us in ways but because we're older, we feel we've been through more, therefore we always look at them as "younger youth, inexperienced".

after which, dinner with enping and daniel... nice of them to put up with me by eating at DOVER, hahaha...
and then i met with delci.. caught up and stuff, nicee...
its even more encouraging that after helping out in gb, she still has to rush off to worship prac... this is how life should be man!! but i give thanks i could rest this weekend... 1st sundays are break sundays:)

saturday was tiring, but nonetheless rewarding... i decided to help my church youths get tickets to hillsong live... rounded up about 30 youths... had youth comm meeting which was kinda productive this week, and then adelle, alvin and joel accompanied me to get the ticks...
i'm so thankful to them for being with me, because if not i would have waited about 3 hours alone!! but once i got the tickets my heart was like WOOO YESHHHH....
cant wait for it, and for the youth to rly experience live worship, it'll be a fantastic experience...

overall, this week has been fantastic... perhaps the free ice cream made it so, but i am finally, seriously, getting fat.. no exercise, no nothing... just eat and eat everyday, night, late night.. urghh...
dionne this time i'm serious, hahaha ur slimmer than me.
to joel, thanks for sticking with me for almost the whole of saturday... though i think its cause u needed to be with me la.. (~ehh Sorry......)
just miss all the trackers peeps... even christabel for some reason!!

:)

2008-04-22T06:42:00.000-07:00

your selfish desire is burning.
burning you up.
you seem to have forgotten what life should be. thinking everywhere you go, you DESERVE the attention, you deserve the people God placed around you.
try and recall what happened in the past. how you made it alone. your reliance on Him isnt enough. Dont get complacent just because he poured out so much of His grace and love on you for the past few months.
your hope seems to be placed in the wrong things. just because a person helped you through in the past doesn mean you should place your hope in a human.
the high profile life isnt for you, so pls be slow to speak. Continue to seek Him first and his righteousness, everything should fall into place in His own timing.

love,
H.S.

2008-04-20T04:00:00.000-07:00

so here i am, back home. well rested and awaiting my tuitor to come.
i called him to come.
why on earth would i choose tuition over an outing...

i justified myself with my own thinking. Here's the situation... here's the keith who doesnt deserve a place in jc. here's the God who delivered him and placed him there. so what should i do about it? Do my best obviously.
my conscience doesnt go to anyone else but Him. and i know i'm not being the good steward if i just decide to enjoy myself. confirm flunk.
i'm not the average student. the average student passes when he studies and fails when he doesnt. i fail even if i study...
no matter how much u are a close friend to me. no matter how much you love me and i love you, it just doesnt seem to get through why you dont seem to understand... and a few words or two are enough to just break it all.

i'm sorry i disappointed you. and i miss all of you a lot, i miss you everyday.

2 timothy 2:15
"Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth."

to be continued...
----------------------------------------------

okayy, continued. regarding the above verse, u guys shall meditate on it on your own.. hahaa its one of the main driving verses of my life this year.
with the happy updates coming now... in 3...2...1...

woo today's worship was excellent...
didnt intend to play this week actually... was thinking of leaving to either delci's or ronda's church cause eugene isnt around and i wasnt suppose to play. but joel urged me to stay due to the lack of advisors around.. so i decided to make today fruitful.
i played for worship in the end and gathered cell... its been quite sad really, for a cell group to be unable to have full attendance for like a month already. and it always seems kind of boring or draggy and long most of the time.. issit cause of the seriousness of eugene, or that we cant go into cell high and all? nonetheless, i thank God for today where all of us cept val (val u rock cont to train hard for hockey and do cj proud!) were there in kfc. it was rare, and i'm so happy everyone was kind of on as well, tracy rushed there immediately after she settled the june camp's registration.. :)

today the 2 newcomers were also greeted really warmly.. kudos to adelle and team! adelle i think your ministry is one of the faster progressing ones.. in fact all the ministries are progressing pretty fast... worship has new potential players too!
well moving on, i finally sense myself improving as a player.. indeed God has given me his spirit of courage to play confidently... the worship was just so good la... there were quite a few times i could worship and take my focus off the fretboard for a while.. and howkiat liked my riff. woo...
ariel is getting more pro too... i feel he should be the band leader instead of me.. he can train me la, with technical stuff... hahaha.
howkiat, i'm looking forward to hearing ur keyboard skills too... ahhaha...

oh and last wk, i was just telling dillon i wanted to buy an mp3 so i could listen to all the christian cds i got.. and guess wad? dillon just whipped out his mp3 to lend me! whoaa divine man..
and today joel lent me his old earpiece which is actually super zhai alr... praise God for his providence la.. hopefully with worship ringing in my ears everyday i can feel more encouraged.. :)

so back to the workman approved by God. lets do our best and not chase after false dreams...
God is here, his plan is now. our plan has to fall in accordance with his, if not nothing is going to work out.
just like how Range of F must be under domain of G in gf(x) for the composite function to exist.
OKAY THATS MATHS. but well its good enough an analogy whahaha...

and to jacon, happy birthday:) and to caleb, belated!!

thanks all, pls hold. (cj morning announcements language)

2008-04-13T09:08:00.000-07:00

OKAY... say say say... its been a great week though i've officially flunk both my math and econs test.
i wun be blogging about today if cutter didnt ask me to.. sometimes u blog too much and ppl find u attention seeking but what la, u wanna read my blog thats why u come right! hahaha...

i'm beginning to wonder if i really do have a split personality... either i really do, or my moods take on the extremes, from dead serious to dead emo to lively funny... and now i'm lively funny haha..
slowly i hope as i grow, to eliminate the dead emo feeling, and just get serious and evaluative over my life should anything go wrong, before picking myself up again as quickly as i can.

life isnt measured where u are, or what you are, or how successful you are, but rather how you live every single day to its fullest..
so why emo for one week, if you can emo in 1 day and live the other 6 days happily? its making your time on earth here productive:) of course negative feelings and emo gushes pull you down, and usually i'd ask God to take it away... whether it goes away immediately or not its up to his grace, and this week it didnt stay or last long enough for me to claim this week a horrible one!

ok heres when life started being more fun in class last week, and it was on wednesday onwards...
on wednesday.. guitar ensemble is becoming fun and challenging because i'm with this bunch of pros and it spurs me on to learn faster... ahaha. and this girl cheryl in my cca is obsessed over writing notes on scores, so i just ask her to right everything for me hahaha... i think i am improving in my skills even though i may not having the time to practice at home... and i hope these skills will show themselves in ministry soon:)

and on friday night... was quite a shocking night cause i declined going to planetshakers concert.. ronda and jacon asked me but it was just too inconvenient and far... i'm glad jacon got touched and all as well, must have been really great. and i was brooding because SOMEONE couldnt have dinner with me and SOMEONE couldnt have dinner with me too. and SOMEONE went to planetshakers with her niam sister... niamniamniam.
so i was alone at home, knowing i'd emo cause no one else was there and everyone else was having fun elsewhere, i decided to study the night away at my uncle's house.
BUT joel called me for dinner with alvin.. woo we went out and he drove us to anchorpoint then holland... we discussed about serious stuff, sharing problems and all.. i must say joel is one guy who is really helping me to grow.. having inputs from a full-grown adult alvin is also great and i feel very important when i'm amongst adults...
NOT TO MENTION, the 8-bucks-one-scoop ice cream TOTALLY made my week... ok its insane la but once in a while.. with spare cash in my wallet...

saturday was worship prac for sunday, and i felt like i'm losing a lot of drive when i'm playing normally in worship... i'm supposed to be the band leader, and yet many things arent working out and i dont feel the huge burden to rectify issues... could it be because i have too many commitments i cant fully concentrate on every single thing? nonetheless it was glorious music and great worship, but i need my enthu-ness... hmm. i'm sorry corrine if i didnt do my best part as a band leader... and leaving u in dilemas or having lotsa stress..

the rest of the day was wasted, brooding over how tim hugh was having his worship conference at 35 bucks at faith methodist church and i didnt sign up!! andrew offered me a place but it was still pointless selling books there but unable to listen to what he had to say... urghh i'm totally envious of delci and her church who signed them all up man...
its ok, delci you zombie you better lend me those notes sometime! i cant believe i missed out something so vital and could be of great help to my ministry...

oh well and today on open sunday our various ministries presented and it was fun because i got to expose alvin, janice, ariel and dillon in front of the youths! i made them answer "how is my experience like and how have i changed ever since i joined the worship ministry" and their replies were nothing but encouraging and i'm sure it has impacted youths one way or another... hahaha. zheyuen and sean are my potential new members, PTL!
and worship min meeting was today too, it was the first one and eugene rly set things down straight.. it felt serious and i'm sure we all learned a lot as well.. i'm beginning to feel uber encouraged more and more... hahaha..

lets hope tomorrow wont pull me down, its gonna be a monday, the worst day of the week ahhaha... ok lets end this with some pics.. i chose today to camwhore with church ppl. cause my blog really lacks church content...

for all who have been wondering who my girlfriend ARIEL was, there!!! hahahha... he's one of the best budds in church and also everyone's drummer boy!

loisy yeo.. this pic is really nice! but the background really cmi..

guys in style!

dillon yo wassup siol!

i whole day look like that one -.-.
what who's that at the back! shoo go away!

lois janice and me... and my hand looks really gay.

howkiat acting cute

howkiat the bear

daniel who is also another adult.. his blog and stuff he says are really insightful!
you have my full support aspiring worship leader!

no comments. but this is alvin.

alright, til next time:)

2008-04-10T08:03:00.000-07:00

i really want to know, what BB is all about..
why do people stay in BB, what drives and fuels their passion to carry on.
these are questions not for serving primers or seniors, but really, for the long-term officers, sheow en and mr tan.
hidden walls, there's just too many. people outcasting you silently, because u cant play a popular sport well or maybe you talk funny. maybe because ur not tall and fit like every other standard bb boy. or are able to crack hilarious jokes that may even be morally incorrect and yet it gets everyone laughing, so they love you.

why do the great people seem popular? issit fun, popularity, friends that fuel them?
the thought of true service, doing it for God and no one else seems hard for me to picture in my head in bb. its just weird, but of the problems in my life i had, my very own cca which i loved seemed to pose problems i never thought were possible.

just a couple of weeks ago one of my friends serving in bb, told me about why __ wanted to leave. because friends left? the "older, closer batch" is gone? the meaning of bonding and fun is gone?
how to bond bb boys, when you yourself have no bb friends to bond with? issit only a specific calling only the minority can have?
even in 33rd j, it seems to me the officers look like their on fire, is it because they are serving together with people from the same batch as them? and when you're the only one left, u feel like leaving... how is that possible?
it could be that God, seeing your heart for him, provides friends along the way for you. so does that mean if he takes them away, you arent called into the ministry?
and when you finally decide to leave, because u realise it isnt fit for you and it isnt the ministry you are called into, people leave you just like that. seldom a hi and bye, and maybe still harbouring bad thoughts, grudges or brandings on you.

ok, i've actually been talking about several people at the same time all this while, mashed into one. it seems being solo and being bonded with friends work hand in hand in the ministry in Boys Brigade, and you need to know when you are solo, and when you have friends to back you up.
but when u become too close with ur friends, and they leave. will you lose your purpose?
and if you dont become too close with ur friends, then what is bb all about?? where's the community?

i've never thought about this, no matter how emo i was last year in sec4...
God loves us, therefore he gives us choices... and there's no wrong area you are to serve in.
for me, its clear and i know my direction isnt here... but elsewhere. the time, devoted to school and church.
people dont serve because they have to, but because they want to.
bb dudes... it may seem like rubbish coming from me, especially. but i really hope if you are reading this to know "why am i serving?"
and i still hope to maintain great relationships with you:)
------------------------------------------------------------------------

ok, i just pangsehed my chem notes even though there's chem test tmr.. right now my mind just.. isnt right. econs seems good though, at least its a subject i like slightly.. hahahah. hope the essay will go alright...
chem is just 0.0 lost. really lost. always and everytime, moles moles and more moles and even though i survived Os i dun get moles. but i have been lenient with myself, first time to every single test.. what to expect? esp for econs and lit... gp as well. never even write things like that before, how to do well on first try? just die then try again la.

still, i need more discipline to get things moving. like that kind i once had... after school at 3, stay back study. meet miss lee til 6, go home, bathe, eat, then go uncle's house study til12. that was the kind of discipline i had! but is it only willing to come out of me when i am really desperate!? i need to try a new strategy... controlled discipline. which btw, requires even more discipline to control it.
ok thats crap.
but basically, managing your time to work and play evenly, is even more discipline than just working and working. and these days, the school feeling just stinks... workload upon workload, stuffy weather, PE, stuffy weather, mr kam's loud voice, super fast maths pace, lagging tutorials, its all too much to handle.

all of a sudden, an idiot called keith has to say "ahh life sucks!" whether jokingly or seriously it didnt matter, it came out.
and if affected the class. at least those around him.
it may have even affected the econs teacher.

i cant believe i said that. life sucks, knowing the dangers of believing in such a lie! does life really suck? i cant believe i had just crushed my own faith, beat it down with my own hands. that was a horribly stupid thing to say! we are made to be victorious in whatever we do! and once He promises, why do we doubt him and still carry on muttering our own thoughts to the world, as if we crave worldly attention.

from now onwards, there will be no more life sucks.
it wont even be "life sucks, but because i got God its good" thats paradoxical, why would God create you to suck in life, only for you to realise he's there to save u?
He created life GREAT. so lets embrace it and look at LONG TERM, not SHORT TERM. (woots econs is stuck in my head)
life rocks, we ought to have a positive attitude. can u imagine this:

"class, remember to finish the 3 tutorials i just written on the board by next monday"- a teacher.
"WHOAAA THANKS TEACHER, LIFE ROCKS MAN........."

what attitude is that? it may be sarcastic, but saying "life rocks man" just brings a boost to everyone, a hope that the 3 tutorials may be able to be completed! but what if it goes..

"whoa F--- cb---- (which is common language in cj btw....) LIFE SUCKS"
this kind of attitude will just bring everyone down, making school seem more sucky than it may actually be..

so guys reading my blog, lets just chiong the life rocks thing and try it out next week ok!

on the lengthy card
you promised me something
to hold on to
but when will it start?

this isnt a two way thing
but me mimicking myself in the mirror
hopelessness or hope
i cannot cope.

2008-04-06T05:39:00.000-07:00

urghh no work done yet..
3 tests, and math is on tuesday.
math will comprise of 3 totally new subjects with 0 practice on my part... something tells me.. 32/100 again?
and i've only read through my econs notes... hmm and its on friday.
math, nothing. and its on tuesday.. hmm hmm.

i have no idea why every sunday night i have emo gushes. really there's no reason to it...
maybe cause i took a nap and i'm like a bit dizzy after i wake up, or that
CHURCH IS OVER. or that
SCHOOL IS STARTING. or that
THERE ARE SO MANY TESTS. or that
i really miss trackers. lol i know this is out of point. but i miss life that i love...
and i didnt exactly love the period after Os too.. well not as much as trackers i guess hahha...

well well this week's been tiring.. so many things to do and all.. urghh.
and i need to pass my 2.4.. crap la i'm perma unfit. and why am i 17... if i'm 16 i would surely pass.. btw cj's passing is silver.. so maybe i DID pass. hahaha...

i'm starting to rly miss the trackers ppl... miss eugene, miss jared. miss xiaorong and dionne.. miss ronda and glenda. miss pastor kaiming and shawn, elisabeth and vicky ahh intaj hasnt had another meeting since the one to little india whahah...
i miss the days we just spend learning about the bible.. just there early in the morning at 9am though everyone else is sleeping at home. (excluding the jc dudes la)
i miss being that hyper and serious for God. qt and prayer in the train every morning, when there's just the nice sunshine and time... oh, time...
9-5 in trackers, and yet there's this freedom and time..

issit impossible to keep these relationships, God included, as strong anymore now that school has started?

1/2 hour quiet time seems impossible everyday...
and lessons, everyday it gets harder and harder to concentrate..
i should stop this, i shouldnt rave on about how hard life is now, but yet cling on to the victory that is promised. must chiong, must smile, must do.

though i'm here slacking and blogging... i shall consider it rest.
and then work after my rest...

all that talk about being the men and women we were created to be.. it may seem like crap, but then it is the ideal and we must strive!
ok this emo gush feeling has no basis for being in here. i conclude it something thats not suppose to be around. go away u crappy feeling.
i think after i finish my homework i'll be a happier person lol.

nothing to blog about, except that the speech for today's mission sunday went well... first time in front of the congregation and pretty unprepared also!!
however i thank God for the courage that he gave. after all, the mission trip is MEANT to be brought back to tell the church how it went...
i hope some people left church inspired or pricked by my message... i really do.. then it would have been worth it! somore tee loon got the external world vision team to get pratas, nun and indian food for us all.. power man!!

oh oh, and my gp teacher's gonna teach us up til june! fantastic man.. i promise to do my best for gp since i'm so tyco with my points whahaha... honestly, it was just a random thing that sprung into my head.
or MAYBE I"M A REALLY GOOD THINKER? WHAAHHA... MR HOII WROTE "insightful! :)" ON MY PAPER WHOAAAA... big leh big leh...
and then i'm just gonna flung the next test for sure... ahhaha...
whatever la, i cant even memorise those chim words properly.. kept standing up and all, oh well.
but gp is rly quite fun. however lit's poetry is still the most fun.

i will be praying for all poly friends this entire week... it is confirm gonna be gruelling, shocking and scary. lois, if u are bullied must tell me ok! i will pray even more for you.. i hope you grow to love your course over time so these 3 years will be joyful:)
for those jc-qualified friends who went to poly, bear in mind that poly is a choice you made, and
no matter how hard it gets, DONT regret not going to a jc, thats the most important... make the best of whatever you're given and dont give up!

to be continued..

2008-03-31T05:48:00.000-07:00

didnt mean to blog, but msn has probs and i cant send pics to anyone.. anyway delci's just asking for it by asking me to upload the pics on my blog whahha...

seems like all girls are unglam these days... (even ian's stunned at the back)

from left: rophi, delci, cool guy, enping, ian, daniel, xinghui, derek. more than 80% of my friends are in ac... but its ok... hahaha cause cj rox just as much...

speaking of cj, this is my super cute senior from trackers who went to india with me.. she's victoria and she was an ex cj girl too. we kinda look 14 years old in this pic right.. and back then i havent perfected the sunken cheeks thing yet lol...

and this is my buddy marissa! she's not your average girl ok, she's crazy..
but here i thought in this pic she looked a bit like vicky up there right? i think i should cut my hair alr... long fringe is making me look really different..

i realised i havent posted a SINGLE picture with friends from church... lets post some from the 5th sunday since my sister took some!

cant be bothered to flip the pics, go flip ur computer or your head.
janice and howkiat...

i dont know what the girls are doing but thats unglam lois!

this should give u an idea on how huge my youth hall is... not that big but nice and cosy...
orange- alvin
green- joel
white- daniel
maroon- dillon
red- me.

dil me and ariel?? on drums? God rly made a difference on sunday! music was loud. was shiok.. very encouraged by joel's and the youth's feedback too...

games were fun too...

tired tired tired, nights!

2008-03-30T05:17:00.000-07:00

ok this is retarded... cutter and i just realised how much homework we really have.

jc like that, ARMY SURE DIE LA.

i cant believe i wasted 5 hours at fun o rama though... it rly wasted my entire saturday.. nonetheless it was a great time of bonding and meeting old/super old/lost friends as well as my sec school budds and trackers budds! hahaha...
only no church budds...

but oh well i actually wanted to see ronda dionne glenda amandal sherrie christabel all at once there lol... and the convo started with "hey guys, ........." then i realised i was actually the only guy. but it didnt go as well as i thought la.. cause of STNICKS funfair lol... not that i think ac is better, but if its far then its far la right!! (ok at this point some people will be saying YA RIGHT LIKE REAL DISTANCE IS SO NOT THE FACTOR) but i dont care la cause this is my blog whahah.

felt kinda regretful not joining shuyi, sihui fiona and yiling at the funfair... cause i promised to be with yanling and delci alr...which led on to rophi, derek, daniel and enping.. wished caleb was there though! then after that ronda and dionne came to find me too.
and then the ex 1b guys went for dinner at fish and co... and i had to be home cause my cousin came back... aiya very bad timing la... feel partially burdened also. maybe they feel i dont want to be around??

but rly.. its these thoughts that kill you and make you emo. i dont have to be accountable to anybody, who i was with or who i spent my time with... cause i treat all my friends equally..

i still dont have a best friend. i doubt i will need one... or could it be that i'm afraid that the one best friend may turn away and hurt me? its something buried way too deep last year i cant bear to dig it out again...
but i'm getting along fine.. sharing different problems with who i feel is suitable to share with.
nonetheless, Jesus being the one who knows all of these problems at the same time. its sufficient hahaha...

i think being in cj.. did things to me. when i saw my old friends again its like the OHHHH I MISS YOU kinda feeling, as if you never saw them for 10 years when its only 10 days.
really missed nat and wenjie, derek, rophi, xinghui, cheryl too.. it was an unexpected feeling but i felt as if we had lots to catch up.. everyone just seems to be in ac hahah...

ronda and dionne too... it was great meeting up with them again. though that ball was a bit sian already (must be st nicks) but ronda is mad. she's just crazy all the way to the extreme.

ohh other than the fellowship, fun o rama was quite a disappointment to me. for one reason.
NO ICE CREAM FLOATS. what is this! record breaking you know! first year they didnt have ice cream floats. whats the point of having ice cream without root beer, or root beer without ice cream? PEK CHEK LA... i hunted around the school with delci when yanling had to go. after that i hunted even more with ronda and dionne. and still no float. i think the ice cream sunk la. whahha.

i feel the man rising up in me LOL. i've had no emo gushes this week and i'm happy about it! perhaps it was due to the task of leading worship today, i had 2 weeks of focus on the task so my mind didnt stray anywhere far. seriously, His Grace is enough... and i'm so thankful God poured out all of it on me this week... to control my feelings, control my actions and made me more focussed. today's 5th sunday was the best... it can only get better thanks to adelle! i think she's rly doing a fantastic job and its inspiring me and others as well... nice one la adelle!

i cant blog now, its been a fruitful week but i think i only typed 40% here..
tons of work. so little time.

but i like. no time to emo... LETS GO LETS GO LETS GO.

2008-03-26T01:53:00.000-07:00

cant believe i'm hitting my 80th post, shows i'm emoing very often!! no good!! lol.
but its good.. good that i get it now than later. shows imma growing boy lol... not just physically of course, (not just physically sideways to be specific.)

suddenly, i feel as if all's lost, all's gone. and i'm not holding onto anything anymore... why do i keep choosing to hold on to things that arent significant in my life, when there are so many more important things at hand for me to grasp on to...
schoolwork's a great challenge, improving my guitar skills and all, ministry and the tasks i'm assigned to do, it should all come first. even my fitness level.. arhh i cant survive mass pe.. though i have significantly improved alr lol.
great that i've let go of some stuffs, or maybe God helped me by taking them away? Thank you, i will continue focussing on the tasks at hand. Holidays were really... way too much time for me to digress into things i shouldnt be into. from now on its no more lots-of-free-time-play-play keith, no more emo-1-korner attitudes or joker attitudes.
the real guy will shine through lol... (pls dunn laugh i mean it!!! urghh)

and i'm not afraid to ask for additional prayer... so if you feel compelled to do so, do pray for me.. it wont be easy here in cjc.

this sun's worship is starting to get me worried... the first 5th sunday we're gonna blow up the youth atmosphere, and the special programme.. i pray it'll be great, jiayou adelle! for the first time, there will be outsiders entering agape too... including some of my trackers friends i hope! and my sister and her friends invited more fairfield people too. pray i'll have the annointing and leadership enough to manifest God's prescence this sunday...

til then, school's still busy urghh.. shout out to mark ho and buddy marissa! these 2 next to me everyday, makes jc life funnier hahahaha...

"whoa mr kam rub the board rub until so hard!"
"see la! never go army thats why laa!!"

and my gp teacher.. he rly got me stunned today..
"can you think of any other words that have the same meaning as NEW?"
"teacher, can i say FRESH?"
"wad fresh?? fresh babes right?"

me: STUNNED

"ahh there he dont say anything i also know what he's thinking of already"

me in my head: WHOAAA KANA BULLY BY GP TEACHER WHOAAAAA THATS IT. after i go army i come back find you ah!!!!
class erupted in groans and laughter... and i was still perma stunned...

ok la i kinda feel guilty at the mr kam joke la... it was quite bad of mark and i. not to mention, my poor justification of "but jc life sucks! no choice must make life entertaining" is not really good enough whaahah. thats why i fail gp whahahah.... btw, the army jokes are rly kind of an inside joke la hahhaha...

til the end of the week!
----------------------------------

i was right, everyone's different.
and i am different as well, perhaps for the better.
but why cling on when i can embrace.
why hurt myself when i have a choice?
lets live sec4 all over again, focus.

2008-03-23T06:38:00.000-07:00

another bhb quote from me to Joel!

"at first ur damn chui... then you choose to wait on the Lord. He may not deliver you or speak to you the day after, maybe only after 3 days. then in those 3 days of waiting, wont life suck!!?"
-saturday night.

sunday morning i took the stand to ask for more infilling of the Holy Spirit. the champion and comforter in my life... i needed more, more and more. cause there's no end to how much holy spirit you can get..
its not that my cup isnt full. or that it HAD overflowed and is maxxed out to the brim.
but i want it to be overflowING. constantly spilling out everywhere, thats the power that we know God is capable of giving in his time.
i remember how i used to pour my 4/5 troubles at any point in my life to God one day of the week. yes, i'm revealing how much i used to cry alone. once a week.
but since this started it felt like honeymoon, i havent been doing that, or giving all my problems to God.. i have been empowered but i forgot the most important thing. i can believe "God u are there so u know wad, yes my life rocks." but the fact is that i have not been telling him.

theres no limit to how deep your relationship with God can be. there's also no end to how much holy spirit he can pour fourth on you. and no end to how much tears can flow once u decide to make his spirit yours.
i know God would have came either way, be it 3 days, or next week. but he chose today in church... for some reason, the spirit extremely powerfully today... and i cried for the first time in my church today. suddenly, as the speaker spoke i am suddenly reminded at the many problems/stresses i face. and honeymoon was over.
back to how problematic my family actually really is, back to how impossible it seems to survive next year's As and be serving at the same time. back to what i'm organising/planning and how i could do better in class. and of course, small, matters of the heart which actually seem huge to most guys... i'm sorry to classmates reading this... i kinda lost my freewill in blogging knowing so many ppl actually read my blog whahha...

thanks be to God la, who chose to speak to me today, and not leave me in hell for the next 3 days or week or so. i'm glad i didnt turn to the dark side, but chose the tears and the route back to the Lord. its like right in front of my face today! free holy spirit! more than what you already have! come come take it. He just loves us so much...

why wait? Mai tu liao just go grab it la.

sometimes we think too much. i know in the midst of the congregation my youth members who know they need this... they need their breakthrough. they need more. they cant see where God is leading them. but then this phrase will come "nahh not ready yet." "nahh no use one la". "got enough le."
i mean.. ok la the 3rd quote is valid.. it means you know you're really empowered at this point of your life. but why not ready? just go for whats best... free also..

Joel urged me to hope that saturday night. my last post ended with "hope". this morning the message was about it... and my heart was compelled by romans 5:5,

"And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

doesnt sound too straight. basically, if we hope, God wont destroy it. it will come... cause he loves us.

Jiayou to classmates who emoed at my emo posts... lol hope ur encouraged at my encouraging post!

2008-03-21T08:32:00.000-07:00

i opened this page thinking of emo ranting everything again.
but thanks dionne for sharing, and yes indeed i'm understanding exactly how you felt. its just horrible..

life sucks but rocks.
trapped but free.
empty yet filled.

i thought what i said to dionne made sense.. lol i'm bhb la so i'll post it for your viewing pleasure lol.
they always say we humans have this hole in us.. and we keep trying to fill it with things like music, drugs, beer, sex, doing stupid things, being obsessed over idols, money, work. and yet we never feel happy.
then we receive God and the holy spirit and the woo we are filled and happy!
but when you really really desire this special someone. suddenly another hole is created. and it seems like God cant fill this one already. dun get me wrong, the other hole is already filled, and yet there's still the partial emptiness.

emptiness is the theme word for today, its easter around the korner, and the empty tomb is what we're celebrating over, and yet an empty heart still hurts, wad to do, hope.

2008-03-16T01:09:00.001-07:00

okay.. pics time! i have so many pics i wanna upload!! wanted to do it on facebook but its too troublesome selecting and then uploading before selecting again from another folder. urghh actually it isnt so easy here either... so imma separate my pics posting into 4 segments...
i wanna post BB pics, sec4 pics, sec1/2 pics, and trackers pics! hahaha... but for now i'll just post the sec4 pics... i do miss fairfield and the faded yellow uniform.. it smells good, spells comfort and makes me young and stressful again... (ok this is just cause the cj uniform's still horrible... urghh)
this is kinda gay cause i remember telling myself in sec4 i'd either go to ac or poly, cause cj's uniform suck and lanz toh looked so horrible... urghh now i gotta eat my words and wear this horrible uniform... but well thats just the surface right... cj's a great place!

my RND group acting glam in school blazers! first time we went for something that prestigious... wah if we won we could have went up on stage to collect some prize... dam.

delci! i rmb she looked even whiter than white on that day cause of some sore throat... thankfully our presentation still went smooth.

yanling!

the 4 of us actually wanted to take a pic, but in 1 second, everyone somehow squeezed their way in... hahahaha.

the 4f guys in vietnam... missing some i guess. gosh i look slim.

woo class shot with mdm toh! look at her unglam pose!

gangsters shot! (though all of us look like harmless innocent kids, yes)

2F shot!

a couple of years ago i would have done anything to take a picture with her! but then on the last day of school i just asked her for a shot la. no kick :)

err. ok la since she made that face... hahaha...

4f chalet 07.. this was after we got caught playing soccer on some state land... the T symbolises trespassers!! cause we got caught by police and all. small matter whahha.

i posted this somewhere... ahha how does enping self-destruct??

if i'm not wrong, this is either a 1b or 2f shot!!

fern my best friend, together with delci and rophAT!

ian my drummer boy... and tts julia's tortoise!

more on next post!! lazy to add... zz why cant they develop better image uploading stuff.

2008-03-07T21:38:00.000-08:00

woo this week is super happening!
had intaj group dinner on tuesday, samuel's bday celebration on thursday and jolyn (fellow tracker's) birthday party on friday night at downtown! of course i had to stay over, how can i dont stay over when i actually went all the way down on a tired friday??

first, its the holidays already!! so hard to believe that the moment i settle into jc its alr march and term one's syllabus are suppose to be at my fingertips already.. this is madness. lets see how many maths subs i've been through.. and how many i actually know.
1.partial fractions
2.MI (math induction)
3.sequences
4.binomial
5.sigma notation

what i know:
1/2 of MI.

this is crazyness man... econs too, and gp is retarted!!! its just crazy how many things we have to know. i share your pains, all 2nd intakers... (esp if u are in ac, hc or some elite jc) life must be 2 times harder there than in cj i suppose... at least i can still go out so many times this week... (my class 1t11 (loves!) goes out almost everyday cause far east is just 15mins away from cj XD)
and yet i declined going two times.. just wanna slack sometimes..

new classmates are nice... yunsong, soloman, samuel, mark, all rather new friends la as of this year, but we kinda seem to clique well. not to mention my buddy marrisa who's really like a buddy, shalini who always tells me the timetable for the next day, bonnyyy who takes pics without sending them around, stephanie, melissa, christabel, belle, sherryyy. totally happening man..

miss lee is exactly like miss lee... naggy and fast.
gp teacher is scary.
lit teacher is imbally professional...
chem teacher is a friendly nice b**** (she self proclaimed it!! but she's really caring la really...)
chinese..... (hears birds chirpping in the lecture hall)

oh well to the chalet stayover/jolyn's bday party... a bit sad that christabel didnt go... haiz the poor girl's sick. but as much as it was fun... i didnt enjoy it as much..
perhaps because i was the only guy from intaj since jared didnt go. i wish he went in place of me...
the scandals and anchor beer cans were really disturbing, and i absolutely hate things like that when i go out with friends and stay over somewhere... its absolutely irritating and i detest it.. ever since last year's service learning.. i will not comment anything here...

also felt disturbed with the OTHER scandalous things. please, keep me out of any girl/guy businesses... sometimes i rly wanna scream in someone's face.. just leave me alone can... i cant type everything here for fear relationships will be broken before they actually die.
anyway, emo and disturbed were the two main feelings i felt throughout the night... every chalet's like that, be it class or anything else.

hints are getting obvious, and our emo feelings may be reflecting the exact same thing.. i dont know about what's going on in you, but in me everything's exploding, and suddenly new concoctions are added to the previous', making me bubble and shiver in worry, fear, anger, sadness, excitement, desire, passion all at the same time. could it be? could it not be i have no idea and i'm confused. this is really super confusing.. 1000 questions spilling out of one mind at the same time. and when one is answered, it contradicts another.

emo gushh... its human.
me, i'm suppose to be spirit empowered at all times.
but when i may have something... its so painful to give it up and release it back to Jesus. painful.
painful seems to be a very commonly used word today.

her jovial bend,
like nail polish on hand,
grants me ecstasy, highs and a blush.
but in the absence of remover,
however loved,
still unwillingly taken away.
can nail polish really fit my hand?

2008-03-02T06:59:00.000-08:00

finally my first real week of jc is over. its really getting intensive.

i gotta count my blessings and thank God for putting my trackers' friend, christabel, and so many other christians in my class... i do think they are neccessary in my class... as cj's pretty whacky in the culture and language. i can have a group of j2 boys coming in my class to check out who are the chio girls in my class... crap. was feeling so crappy la.. but what could i do when the leader of that gang is a repeating j2 that's in my class? i really hope things like this dont happen again.. and with fwords flying around.. its obviously different from fairfield. everywhere's different from fairfield... so i hope at least christabel would guide me back if i ever turn away and turn into some paikia.

i love my subjects now, econs lit math. it provides an excellent balance of boredom, interest and challenge. and h1 chem is just extra la. but i realised i love lit so much i wont be changing my subs to h2 chem and h1 lit anymore... thats right, i dont give two hoots about h2 chem.. i know i can reaffirm that because there's also a number of ppl telling me not to change...

also.. reading ppl's blogs about AC... i'm convinced i wont be able to survive there... (again, no matter what other ppl tell me) because its obvious many ppl dont know me at all. they think i can cope, they think i sure can. i mean with God of course anything's possible la...
but that doesnt mean i shouldnt thank Him for leaving me in CJ. its definitely a place i feel comfortable in.. if i compare myself to being in trip science last year... arts is definitely my route.. :)

not that i love the sexual elements in literature okay!! but its just more emotional, more based on feelings that i somehow like relating to it. i regret not taking lit in sec3/4!
now, therefore, while the youthful hue,
sits on my skin like morning dew..
ok that is actually a poem about some dude persuading his mistress to sleep with him!! super artistic right!! thats just one example.. haha. some more explicit man.

and then the graduation night for trackers... haiz it was actually quite sad.. but everyone was like smiley and all... nvm, i'm sure very soon everyone will be missing it... i already am! haha...
it was great with the worship and all (my apologies for not being to play, and as a result there was 1 less guitarist) nevertheless it was great worship...
and the camwhoring session was cool too man... suddenly everyone wants shots.. it was so sad la as if the next time we see each other would really be in heaven. dionne ball got emo and gave me some hand painted photo frame and my lady killer photo.. but its the effort that touched me la, it was rly handpainted with superman logos... hahaha.. must have took quite some time man..
and michele also wrote something short and sweet for me... man these emo ppl will make it far.. i also wanted la.. but gave up after 2 cards. cause rly no time..

had comm meeting on sat again... it was the longest and most taxing ever... and was feeling particularly disturbed about why ppl cant get prayer into their heads... even today, i got news they didnt pray again (ok my bad for not being around) but prayer is basic and part and parcel! i think we should just scrap it. then maybe we'll seriously learn the importance of prayer...

went to trinity meth today... first time i actually missed my own church service for such a minor issue. usually its either sick, or go overseas...
but well i made full use of it to learn from whatever service/lessons they provided... usually i'd screw up if i dont go to church to absorb and soak in God's prescence... but ronda was right, trinity could do that for me as well.
ronda is this crazy girl who by her own mouth could persuade me to get out of agape for 1 day... haiz. but its true that i wont be seeing them much anymore la.. whats more my church, being all the way in the west, its gonna be tough for any tracker to visit hahha... i wont post any pics we took during the farewell... if not i'll be sad again lol. and also because i havent received 60% of them yet. zzz. and 20% of them were ppl squeezing my cheeks. wads with my cheeks la... but i admit i realised they have become more stretchy since last year.. must be putting on weight badly. its ok! thats what jc is for.. help me lose weight for sure hahaha...

lastly, i'm finally coping pretty well... its true that a relationship would just ruin everything at this point in time. its kinda divine how i convinced myself to let it go. and managed to let it go. i guess the holy spirit does work in miraculous ways.. and i am able to once again really lay everything down in front of his cross..
why do we get infatuations when we know true love cant start now? this is horrendous...

really wishing you well, and all the best for both you and i in our studies and all. whether you know it or not it doesnt really matter, but in everything seek him first, and his kingdom.

-keith

2008-02-22T08:39:00.000-08:00

KEITH BACK FROM MISSION TRIP AND THROWN STRAIGHT INTO JC!!!!!!

its been so crazy and hectic i have no time to do anything else.

last day of mission trip. freaking tired. boarded plane at 2.30 singapore time (12am indian time) and took 4hour 30 min plane ride back.

touched down at 7am.

cabbed to cj for first day of orientation.
IS THAT CRAZY OR WHAT. i was lacking about 16 hours of sleep or more in total from the whole 10 day trip man. and then no break...

but i was expecting it already... i think i handled it pretty well!! prayed about it and my mindset changed that morning immediately. it was like "ok, no more india, its your new school, your new life now." and i'm still fit to go for worship prac tomorrow morning and then fusion after that. Hopefully the vp wont screw me for missing out on orientation's finale night...
oh well my group was just getting to know each other better.. most of them seemed unfriendly at first... then after that everyone seemed very friendly... all at the same time. i doubt i'll see them much though... i'm taking arts now.

life sucks.
but with God its good.
life isnt about victory,
victory is achieved at the end.
and everything before that is a race. run it, dont stop.
wise words from christabel and da ye.. ahha my trackers dudes.

i look at my choices. AC, CJ, POLY. all 3 routes spell trouble for me. trouble, emoness, sadness, loneliness. its a common destiny so long as you are studying. life only rocks when there isnt school..
at first i wanted poly so much. and then i wanted jc so much. and then i wanted AC so much. til i asked myself what is it in AC that i want?
friends? when i had all of them in fairfield and yet life was still horrible???
ENVIRONMENT? when i'm so aware of the inferior complex i'm prone to? when there's always the BABE AND HUNK complex going on in ac?
GOD? when obviously i know God's always with me wherever i go, its not up to the school to determine how much of God i should have...
of course, it had to be the girl. and then if its for a girl its really not the right reason.

somehow, i feel refreshed and comfortable in cj... its like every morning, i take 151/154 to neverneverland. its only 30mins away. i go down a super long road... get to see girls from ny i think. short sleeved girls. then hc nerdy guys (not everyone's nerdy of course). and maybe some nj dudes.
and then a whole lot of ulu-ness. lotsa trees on both sides.
and then POOF cj!! the school in neverneverland! and after school i come back home from the neverneverland... hahaha.

30mins just nice to do qt in the morning... its pretty refreshing sometimes...
honestly, i should be happy i'm not starting off on a bad note in cj.. everyone's pretty ok. at least catholic values are somewhat close to christian's...
the people... well the j2 guys are still vulgar/explicit/ naughty but i suppose its the same in every school? tetesterone filled dudes. so long as i'm ok i think thats ok... Ac is sure to have more. so i am happy to announce that i can... willingly lay down everything thats in ac. almost... except.. the girl. but if its impossible, i pray it'll be fine with me...

ever since the first girl i seriously liked, i told myself the next girl i'm gonna seriously like has to totally blow me away and must be a really really special person. and i think i found her. but then now, i learned its not up to me to decide, but really who God picks...
so everyday i go about denying myself, my earthly desires, and everything... but when it comes to the girl. its super difficult... i gotta like.. think with a Godly mind, not with my human mind.

its really not easy to understand, i know i know. but its my blog..

looking at which school i am in now, which church am i in and all the other things.. i think my chances are really low... i might as well just give it a "no" for now, and move on. hopefully, if its ever possible, i may be able to find another girl more special then very special...

ok, for the india trip!! i have no pics at the moment! (i'm sure it sux looking at pics on my blog anyway)
but the church "rays of peace" in chelinkerac (spl error), bangalore is really THE CHURCH.
every week, miracles happen.
every week, u can be sure there are converts.

and i'm so honoured to be able to serve there as a sharer of the faith and in worship as well... Pastor Mark and his team of indian guys are really the best..
its crazy how he actually formed his church... it was almost like a fairy tale.

can u imagine God calling you to leave singapore, and go to... ahbudhabi. in the... south west region. the first village nearest to the sea. (i just mean God calling u to somewhere very specific)
and its just so totally random the way the village name pops up in front of ur face.

you have no money, a just-married-to wife, and your family,church and friends are all unwilling to support you.

the Pastor actually left his hometown and journeyed by pure child-like faith to this village chelinkerac. he had only 2 sing dollars worth of indian currency. he faced trials, rejection, opposition. and the worst of the lot, physical persecution.
thats right, he had been stoned, kidnapped, and everything... for the sake of God's work in that village. he didnt share it with us at first, because he though it would scare us... but it really opend me up to hear it from the person himself..

God provided him a house, and money to start of his ministry just like that. the whole village was hindu, and he was the only christian living in the village...
today, 20+ years down the road, there's the church, 2 other branch churches in bangalore and hindu converts worshiping God with all their hearts... i witnessed it and saw for myself how the spirit flows ever so freely in their lives, in their worship and in their prayers...
heard how the church was totally God given, the building and equipment.
saw for myself how demons were driven away by the church. and cried after that...

heard how loud the church sang when we were leading worship and halfway, all the power went off. my guitar was unplugged and yet the church worshipped even louder, to give the team and i even more support. Is God ruling in other countries more powerfully then ours?? is it because we have so much of the world that we dont need God that much? and these poor people have nothing but God???

if thats the case, why not let us all give everything to them, and be as lowly as them so as to achieve the richness of God?

but no, i'm not ready for that... nor am i called to that yet. i have to honour God with whatever i have now... i have a higher expectation of my service to God now. i'm driven to honour him more than i have last year.

just wanna thank my sponsers from Agape and Aldersgate, as well as a few relatives... u made my trip possible, and i will definitely share what happened with u all in detail once i settle down properly in jc! (i did my journal daily in india, so i should be able to recall everything accurately) thanks sheow en, for coming down to send me off at 6 in the morning and to give me a last min 100 buck angpow... even though its been 2 years since we were in BB together. be assured i have learned much, and my faith has been built in those 10 days:)

with the mission trip ending, trackers is going to end too... i will definitely miss all of them... though somehow for this few days i havent been. maybe God is helping me to be less emo? and to just focus on settling down in jc first? i thank him for giving me just a slight cough.. it could have been much worse because of wet games and all...

if anyone wants a slight story of my india trip, do let me know so i can share with u, and build ur faith like how it has built mine! its really a once in a lifetime experience and realisation that God is so real, so dramatic, and drastic... it makes believing in fire coming down from heaven onto the alter, the parting of the red sea and the story of jonah very non-fiction. i mean i believe, but its just totally different when u witness it for yourself... because our God is a creative, awesome, and wondrous God... he does things in ways we cannot see or imagine. and we have to believe it in a faith that is real, not just blind.

havent blogged about the stress building up in ministry... i think this is more than enough for a month... another time!!

to may: thanks for your support and encouragements... though its rare a bb madam would sms an ex bb boy, but really thank you so much:) hope u love ur frog.

2008-02-10T01:25:00.000-08:00

when you want it, its never around.
when you choose to reject it, it suddenly comes.

i have no idea why its always the case. but well whats most important is focusing on God and making him the centre of your life, in every single aspect...

honestly, life sucks man. how can life rock without God? i'll be some self condemned asshole wallowing in pity, sin and guilt my entire life if Jesus had not died... once again, i thank God for what he has done on the cross and claim his promises...
was telling ariel today that once u become a christian, you get stronger AND weaker at the same time... cause there will be the world and satan against you...
so, if ur christian and you dont stick to the word... better buck up man!

oh ya and the doomsday 2012 thingy... quite freaky...
its not for us to know... and jesus will come at a time where we least expect it. wont that mean we can never predict our doomsday??
anyway, even if its 2012, no diff. we should be living everyday like its our last...

and all that crap was to divert me from the real thing. and thats the stress of my upcoming 10day mission trip... and then straight into jc. somebody help me! i have many doubts about ac, and i dont think it'll be easy for me to appeal in!! i really do hope i can make it... and i'll promise to mug like mad. cause my focus now is different... i'll seriously be honouring God in another aspect this time. its like. if he could deliver me from hell in sec3 and 4, why wouldnt he bring me through!!
looking back, i'm really happy i didnt give up after prelims!! witness this, world. My God is a God of miracles...

if ur reading this, do pray alongside with me for my mission trip and mission group... we are after all, there to do God's work, so pray for us to do it well! but somehow it does feel like a service learning all over again... good too, for me to experience some happiness this time. the last one ended off really badly.. nonetheless, a good experience :)

on another sad note.. the beginning of the mission trip also marks the end of trackers 08 for me, more or less la. cause once i'm back and if i get to jc again, i wont be able to attend the last remainding week... :( its been great, really. and i'll be super sad on the graduation night!! so many of us are sure to cry... haizzz.
it was alr quite close today as we sent the cambodian team off... oh well tmr sure wun cry. 545am, who will send me off? hahahah...

thanks to my agape ppl, who have shown me lots of support despite my very "well hidden" cover. i do hope to bring something back, so we can benefit something altogether...

gonna be posting some pics now. whee my first time. gonna be small so click them to view lah.

dan's bdayy...

rophi, delci and samuel actually made daniel do this blindfold act on a bus!!! while i was having meeting.. hahah.

seriously, LOLLLL.

DAO-POK.

another dao pic! i think the lighting rocks la.

rophi, i'm just too hot la admit it.

mai kp la haha.

more tao pok! lol.. i'm damn happy i didnt get one!

aww the usual. all in.

class reunion!! was really great..

i told them i must at least take one shot with joy yeo. she's my ou xiang! so one day if she makes it big i can show people this photo and say "eh u know joy yeo used to be in my class leh!"

i should stop eating la! the stripes on my shirt look more convex than concave. screw geog lol. btw, delci takes 2 humans! tts madness la.

agreed that xinghui should smile more.. :)

its TIME TO SHAVE ARMPIT!! SHAVING CREAM AHHAHAA
AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA

eh, sorry ah enping.

YC TRYING TO COPY, AND YANLING ABOUT TO GET SOME! (ok maybe me)

the emoboys of 4f!! (extras behind not included)

ferny and i, all time best budds la...

alright, trackers.... u've been hearing me but u've never seen the ppl before:

ok i'm risking a lot of guts to post this pic!! but i think i look cool, right??
def gonna miss these guys..

our first outing (or rather mine) at sake sushi:)

another outing i suppose... forgot alr.

erm same outing.

emo@ sake sushi! can u see the light surrounding me? (angels singing)

its been a great experience with u guys, learning things from ppl same aged as me, like minded as well as from the spiritually mature peeps, (i'm refering to the 19+ lao jiaos... hahaa)
being the only person from ur church has its advantages, i'm sure kevin would agree too. there are no boundaries to befriending and learning... :)

these are like super old pics la... i'll post more recent ones after my trip!
bye for now..

2008-02-03T07:50:00.000-08:00

my heart is telling me a different story altogether.
is this from God? is there a possibility?
if its not, i'm willing.

take, take, take it all.

2008-01-22T05:56:00.000-08:00

trackers has been lotsa highs and lows man...
not phyical or emotional, but mostly spiritual.
i mean- everyone's nice and high for God... on one hand i feel discouraged that they are that certain level and i'm only below, but on the other hand i aspire to be like these people, it drives me to want to have a closer relationship with God. which is good...

after a whole lot of weeks of enlightenment and new learnings and making new friends, i've finally settled down in trackers. it does seem like school all over again... with highs, lows, problems,solving problems, friends with problems and helping friends solve problems.

i still have problems relating to the older trackers.. i keep feeling like. they think i'm just a kid. a starter and a noob.. i keep thinking to myself "these ppl ah. not good seniors, etcetc" but i never thought of myself being too obstinate. isnt being humble and submissive all about this? listening, saying thank you, being open to criticism even to older people?

even if they think lowly of you, so what?

should you be more discouraged, or more rebellious and wanting to prove you are right?
no! i will not be either. being discouraged is listening to the devil's lies, and being rebellious is letting pride get into me.

such a fine line drawn... i'm afraid of falling. i dont wanna stumble....
this is where i need to rely on God more than ever. relationships have always been an issue for me since last year...
i did foresee this way before joining trackers, and i know i will have issues and relationship problems. i know i will be forced in a situation which i wont like... but i still chose to come because i wish to learn how to overcome it, and not be stuck in my own world forever.

i have decided to do a few things in order to help me keep close to God this month...

i will pray a min of 1/2 hour every night... (getting off the comp at 11 helps a lot)
do qt on the mrt train journey...
fast from suanning people. (i'm sorry if i didnt emphasize i was joking and you thought it was real)
be attentive to times when i can encourage others. (i dont have that spiritual gift for nothing man!)

If God intends me to just be the sec4 for my intaj group, then i will do it well.
some people are created to do everything, some for just something.
but because i cant do everything, i will not stop myself from doing that something i was created to do. -helen keller??

i will just pray and hold on to God for everything else. pray for annointed lips that i can control when and what to say. and not look so emo every morning??? also cant help it if its my face right.. lol.

just wanna thank some ppl for waking up my idea. xiaorong, dionne, sheldon, jared. some others? though at some point you may not be aware of it, but somehow something pierced into me. and i'm sure you're still great friends... so i claim that it was spirit sent to do a greater work in me, and i will act on it.

just hope i will be awake, filled with the spirit everyday and carry a more cheerful look on my face. hahahah....

keith.

best birthday ever

2008-01-10T06:16:00.000-08:00

9january 08 is the best birthday i ever hadd!!!

u wan emo blog? i give you. yesterday emotions of lurrve, sadness, happiness all spilled out all at once... it was an emotional time..

i started of the day feeling like i'm so old, already getting <5 smses the previous night wishing me a happy birthday... hahaha in order:

jared from trackers
dionne from trackers
fiona,
joel (church)
jacon,
xinghui (guy)
lois,
yanling,
shuyi (she called me before 12, its like a tradition alr!)
jessica,
Cheryl,
nicol,
joy Sim,
wenjie, (who i spammed on my way to trackers since its a 40min journe)
derek,
brian,
ian,
caleb wong,
samuel lam,
janice (churchh)
DORCAS KWOK,
ariel (church. this one my gf laa)
michelle, (jam friend)
sihui,
adelle (church)
kueider,
lennard,
fernando, (who called me cause he forgot in the morning)
daniel tan,

wait i thought i counted 12 ppl only.. i guess its when we leave sec4 when everyone really misses everyone and takes effort to remember birthdays? but all these smses made my day!
i compared this 9jan to the past few years', and i never had half as much fun on my birthdays.

(recalling last year)
mornings: SCOLDED EVERY MORNING FOR UNDONE HOL HW.
evenings: CRAPPING ON COM/RUSHING HW
latenights: REALLY RUSHING HW.

this happened for 4 days before my birthday. and on my birthday, i fell sick.
had detention, and vomitted 3 times. 1 in sch, 1 outside, 1 at home.

i suppose without last year i wouldnt have had such a great year this year!!

morning: trackers ppl sang me a song upon arrival! i guess it spread la... hahaha but then again they were so warm and receptive and i felt really happy when they sang the song for me. and believe this: there were people who i only knew for less than a week, writing cards and letters for me!! special thanks to jolyn, mei ping and michelle for today's one... u guys are a special breed...

coming home and expecting a family dinner, i got such a shock when i saw the 4f bunch pop up outside my door!! it was unreal cause even though i got a tip off (yanling u suck), i still didnt think they would really celebrate my 17th bday together with them! and pakat with my parents and sister also!
caleb cheryl daniel delci derek enping rophi samuel yanling i have been missing u all so much since christmas, really felt good to see all of u again, on a day where i was so especially high!
i promise to work out and look good in the tshirt u gave me!

u guys are the bunch i know that will be really busy, and yet i i also know u'll try your utmost best to meet despite everything, and keep everyone of us constantly in prayer.. i know i can lead towards any one of you for support and guidiance anytime. do know i'm not the low self esteem guy anymore, and i'll be glad to help any one of you in anyway too!

sending them off at the bus stop was heart wrenching for me... first samuel ran. i didnt even get to say a proper goodbye. then suddenly daniel derek delci and the majority all ran onto bus 14. i was like "NOO THERE GOES I"LL NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN TIL WHO KNOWS WHEN" ahhhhh.
then left 2 losers (haahah) rophi and yanling hahhahha. well at least not all left... and i hugged them like its gonna be the last time. i think its a good attitude if we treat every meeting we have as our last... u never know when ur gonna be busy...

after that, i proceeded on to church to meet with the church guys, who i ORIGINALLY was suppose to have dinner with.. i thank god for each one of you who put up with macdonalds food and waited for me at the agape and sang the song at the staircase. dont think my face revealed my joy,because i was really tired then already...
however i'm so thankful for the presents, the prescence, the laughs and smiles. that is enough for a birthday, honestly..

it was too special a day to describe, when suddenly for 1 day, everything revolved around you... its a privilledge that may not even come once a year, and i only have God to thank for such people around me. hopefully, i can administor to these people at least once in this year...

on a serious note, i have 1 week left to determine my future. i feel like crap being stuck directly in the middle of poly and jc. stupid yanling planted so many jc thoughts into me... i have no idea how god intends to use me and show himself through me this year... do pray for me, if ur reading this!
and on another serious note, i may be falling in love. 17 years old, and infatuations can now be controlled. but its building and i'm not sure man. but even if i am ready, i doubt she will be. i doubt it'll be possible for us anyway, and i know these feelings will just die with time, work and commitments along the year.

i seriously think 08 is a year of changes for me. something drastic is going to happen, good or bad:)

i dont like you, i'd like to like you.

keith.

2007-12-14T01:36:00.000-08:00

2007-12-10T09:46:00.000-08:00

crazy month, been having so much fun after O levels ended...
today's the break from chalet, bangkok and church camp consecutively. i'm pretty sad life is back to being at home. but then went to mencee's house and spent time with the bb guys. though i felt weird and sad, watching a movie that didnt finish. but yes it is definitely a time that will be remembered, i dont know how many more there will be.

soccer pls... i havent kicked a shit in 2 weeks...

so much has happened over the course of planning for the church camp...
i'm not even sure if relationships have been strengthened after the camp, or brought further apart because, maybe, we know more about each other?
after this camp, i LOVE:

joel, for smsing so many encouraging things that make my heart beat harder and my mind think sharper and more seriously.
ariel, for being who he is, and sharing with me stuff about girls.
terry, for being uber funny and sporty.
shawn, for being a great and obedient team leader.
janice, for being my other half and cracking crap.
roland, for sticking up for us all all the time.

friends outside of church.
your band.
your hobbies.
your life.

all these are just in the way. i've lost lots of these, enough to say i'm super happy to belong to my church... i wonder if we have just too much to let go off? would you take a bold step to ask god to take away these things? its gonna hurt so much...

dillon, ariel, andrew,alvin,joash,how kiet.joel.

out of all of you,
1 is my best church friend. one relates to me like everything. one has changed church, one has just joined, one is my worship leader, one is my youth comm chairman and one is a super old lao jiao.

the craziest group in the church. eeeuuuuuuu guys raaawwwwkks la.
this is by far the lamest and funniest bunch of friends i have.. i never thought we'd be like that hahaha, and i really enjoy lan, not because i won, (haha) but because for the first time we really played together, and its very different when the girls are around...
the best part is, even though Os separate us, even though we are moving along in our lives to different stages, we still will see each other every week. thats fantastic, thats like guaranteed best friendships.

it feels the same as if zack and chak were still around... the warmth, support, joy and jokes.
and i really like the fact that we're all pretty... low ended. for the first time in my life, ppl are actually like me. and come to think of it, no 2 ppl in the group are alike, and to each person, i have different things to talk about... arent we so unique...

oh well, anyway i kinda miss many many friends.. but these few in particular since i havent talked or seen them since.. Olevels have ended, or quite long la.

sihui, tuck yan, jacon, shu yi, delci, danielsim, joanna, yeong chuan.
for some reason, yes.

wad kinda post is this... its almost perfect. there isnt any hint of sadness hahaha. life has been good. seriously...

and i got a shock today. i saw some tshirt which wrote log(a+b) = 2
and i forgot how to do!?
issit:

10^2= a+b?

oh well. i'm worried if i get into JC already.
but i'm worried i'll be influenced if i choose poly. poly, just gives you tooo much room.
JC, is madness. u slog, but for someone like me, its gonna be crazy getting pass the first year, let alone As....

all i need now is for God to drop a poly course for me out of the sky. then i'll just take it.
i need my direction. i need my golden compass.. (i hate that moviee...)

2007-11-05T08:34:00.000-08:00

ahh freak do i seem like an emo freak to u.
sorry my blog regulars. i'm not in denial, i know there are ppl visiting my blog. if no one visits my blog, wouldnt my school life be better?
sorry, i'm not that emo la. i just chose to use my blog as the one and only ranting rant space. i guess its already not bad since i blog after really really long...

there will be no "on a lighter note" in my blog. basically, no news means good news. but since i'm posting it cant be good news this time too.

bio's over, before that everyone was looking forward to it. OH YES 3 HOURS TO FREEDOM.
after os, i'm gonna jam my ass away!
after os, i'm gonna do this do that start my new life.
after os i'm gonna build muscles.
after os i'm going to get a girlfriend.
after os i'm gonna have so much fun.

nope, nothing has changed. soccer's still the same. and i mean the same. its the freaking irritating feeling again of wanting to let go but wanting to hold on. its the same old the same old the same old...
why on earth do you play soccer keith chang. this year, Os was such a good enough reason to quit. on top of that, you dont even like playing. ur just playing for ur friends. then again, you're not needed on the pitch cause realistically u cant play and u'll be dragging ur team down like u did today..
of course you're not the only one. ppl say relax, practice u'll get it. how long alr?
and yet i dont want it. because i just have no passion.
and sadly, friends arent good enough a motivation. though they once were.
but as we all grow, we realise we gotta do things for ourselves, not for others.
and then the love your neighbour as yourself comes back in. Jesus' living example comes back in. its the same old the same old the same old thing.

gosh, the gb camp's gonna be the same! its gonna feel identical to farewell. its gonna feel identical when i was in the hall a few months back. its gonna feel identical when i sat on the bench watching just a few hours ago. its the same old feeling everytime i hear "bb" everytime i hear "cos" everytime i see soccer. i doubt seeing drill or adventure will cheer me up, and seeing boys in full u. gosh.
its back to the "ur a loser, u know it" feeling. it always has been, so why am i complaining again?

even if a friend comes and sits with me one fine day, (if that really ever happens) and talks to me, i'll treat it as a mere effort to cheer me up, given my horrible mindset. i mean- if they want to they'd have done it a long time ago. or dont tell me the holy spirit decended upon them that fine day that made them talk to me. (i'm sorry, God.)

i wonder if god reads my blog. pls dont tag...

i'm getting my priorities right. if i go for the camp, if i come back as a primer, if i serve back in the bb, it wont be because of friends. it has to revolve around God, around the company, around the boys, and around me.

i'd rather be a teamate who cheers everyone up than a leader who pulls everyone down.

obviously, ur much better leaders than me. and i'm NOT putting myself down.

screw the encouragements, my mindset's screwed beyond help. no one will help me.

but now that i've gotten this chestload out of my heavily loaded heart, maybe i can start helping myself. it always works after blogging... i have no idea why. but i think its pretty sad if u have no one to listen to and resorts to putting stuff on the net to ease your troubles.

ok i just offended 10000 bloggers, including myself. but heck, cause

whatever works, works. and i'm not doing anything illegal also...

sometimes i feel blogging is like consulting the devil for advice. because if i have my God, why am i letting everything go here. i'm still so imperfect, i'm so human. and i still desire human attention.
dont talk to me regarding this post, it wont do me much good...

coming-clean-with-god,
keith

2007-10-26T08:01:00.000-07:00

i climbed up the narrow, cramped up sidestairs of the airconed 154 with great difficulty, hands grabbing the once-shiny handle bars that were most probably greased with strangers' sweat residue. yucks...
wiping down on my jacket, i saw her sitting with her friends at the front of the deck. oh hi, nice broad smile and a grin. i walked over to sit with her as if the seat was left empty for me.
she threw her hair back, in a carefree attempt to flirt. her smile seemed refreshing, and i felt at once comfortable, though i didnt expect it the moment i saw her on the bus.

the bus was noisy and packed, and yet sitting next to her, it was as if we were in a world of our own, even without direct eye contact.
the way her bag took up space on the inside of her seat was so fluked, it forced our shoulders together.
a kind of sensation whirled up in my stomach, its the feeling u get whenever you make direct contact with someone of the opposite sex. its DA feeling.
as if she felt it too, she edged towards me, drawing closer...
danger zone,

***

"hey, not til you're done with ______. not yet..."

(disappointed,)
"why are all guys the same? (blahblahblah... cant rmb..)
its your chance now, if you dont go for it, you'll never be able to get it. the time is now.. you sure this is what you'll choose? "

"yep, i'd still give you up."

***

"this is why _____ is so yesterday."
(bends forward and GASPS* kisses me)

the world disappeared as i turned to find myself engaging in liplock. with eyes closed, a mirage of colours dominated the black.
eric clapton's and john mayer's solos were played in my ear.
it just felt totally right.

as we pulled away from each other, all of a sudden the contrast went up.
the sun shone brighter than it had, and her face looked like a portion of heaven.
both of us smiled, a strange bond was formed. something we both felt comfortable with, something many other losers will be envious about.

all of a sudden, her mood changed. she told me about herself regarding _____ and her own topic. i rebutted, and suddenly we were debating, about what i cant really remember as well. but it was like how horrible debates in school can get.

at her last rebutt, i stopped. this shouldnt be the way love works,
i bent forward, and gently kissed her back.
the world flipped back over to its bright side again wth. she stopped..

having missed my bus stop over a petty quarrel, i got up and gave her one last look, before going down the side stairs again.

*heart-melted.

***

i woke up, thinking OMG I GOT A GIRLFRIEND.
2 seconds later, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. and i wondered if that was really how bgrs really are. u get heaven for a while, and then hell. but freak, its all fake.
4 seconds later, AHHH IT WAS A DREAM!! awwwwwwwwwww. but it felt so real.
but then again, its disgusting how a girl like her would end up with me. she's wayy to good. and wayy pro.
and the dream made her look like a slut, but obviously she isnt.

aw keith. next time u ever think of a BGR,
in your dreams, in your dreams.

2007-10-23T02:15:00.000-07:00

life management lesson 1:
go straight home after a test paper.

"QUESION 12 OR!! ITS 7/8 RIGHT ITS 7/8 RIGHT ITS 7/8 RIGHT"

LIKE I FFFING CARE.

"rv is damn easy la? u nvr do? its damn easy la!"

SO I'M DUMB, CANNOT ISSIT?

more buzz, more buzz. everyone got the same answer yet they are all talking about it. for wad ah? not like if i got the same ans as you my working is different?

i'm finding it hard to get over the careless mistakes...
after all the effort, the time spent in amath remedial.
f it, still stupid mistakes popping up. mistakes that will cost me a grade or two.

if amaths is like tt... what will happen for the other days man.
this wouldnt have happened if i stopped myself. i hate myself.

2007-09-19T00:43:00.000-07:00

just what will it take for me to finally get something acceptable...
this feels hopeless. it IS hopeless.
prelims are GGed. what the fuck do i have to do this coming month to get my 10 points...
its just bloody pointless. wah! my amaths improve 10%. still fail.
everything fail. almost.
a bit more can go ite le. but no, even i didnt make it to there. i cant go anywhere.
what has happened to me man. it seems like years ago when i was last competing results with my closest friends.

"walao. 12 points, go die la." (whacks)
"shut up la u got 8 la"

me- silence.
and now i cant even bring myself to hit someone who beat me. cause i'll have to hit everyone.
one more month, how on earth is it gonna be possible... i've done and broken some limits for this prelims. even more so for a maths... i never did so badly for bio before. i never failed physics once...

gotta work out something, no time for emo, i'll emo after the month has past.

peon: work, work.

2007-09-08T23:33:00.000-07:00

omg i copied samuel to take the test.cause its like more detailed? making sure its less lies and more truth?? here's my reality check:

Cattell's 16 Factor Test Results

Warmth	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	38%
Intellect	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%
Emotional Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%
Aggressiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Liveliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Dutifulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Social Assertiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Sensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Abstractness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Introversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Anxiety	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Openmindedness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	38%
Independence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Perfectionism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Tension	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%

Take Cattell 16 Factor Test (similar to 16pf)
personality tests by similarminds.com

i see introversy, perfection, and lotsa anxiety...
and guess what? warmth is the lowest. LOWEST.
never thought i'd change this much til it was in black and white...

liveliness MUST be a fluke.

2007-08-31T07:44:00.000-07:00

firstly, to readers... lol at least i still have gotten 4 tags, from ppl whom i never expected to be the ones regularING my blog. dun read my blog. its not nice... horrible stuffs written here, and my worser side is released here.
i guess that was it? stupid dilemas. stupid decisions.
i wanna move on... i wanna move on into JC or poly and just leave this whole mess already... but then the primer's thing comes back in. honestly, my dad's damn pissed off with CCAs. he's damn pissed off with me being so hardcore... why? he doesnt see the rewards coming.. he feels it isnt worth it. but i do... and now my dad's another obstacle on my way to being a primer. OR IS HE?
or issit me who doesnt want to come back and serve? its so friggin demanding alr. it can only get more demanding... and yet. with JC/poly in mind, issit EVEN possible for an asshole like me who has no good connections, no fond memories and no time management to handle something like that?
now can say interested la, but virtually, its impossible...
----------------------------------------------------------------

screw self esteem.
the rest had soccer today... i did want to go, but i already had something planned well beforehand... oh well. and i really hate justifying why i dont go.... i mean its true i wanna spend time with u, but its like. dun come also nevermind, okay lor...
and i shout it here, i declare it, i dont LOVE soccer. there's only one friggin reason why i kick balls. and that's because of you.
but if one day i neglect soccer totally, it'll just mean one thing... that i've lost it all. i'm moving on... and i cant make a decision at all.
stay and mend, or leave and forget?

after all, i'm not in your league...

2007-08-24T08:31:00.001-07:00

finally had time to blog and recollect lotsa conclusions...
this is life management: making choices...

i never thought i'd see the day where i have to make a choice to forget about the 23.5 mock test results and just continue studying. cause i simply didnt have time to emo... will this make me heartless in the long run?
how about not killing myself or my family for whats really going on deep inside... its amazing how God can sustain you. and no, its not the sustainence like "i can continue to study cause he's in me". no, this time its really a whole new level of problems... and when you read "amazing", it really looks like the stereotype... but oh well, it isnt... and i wonder if its somewhere close to wenjie's forbidden secret and clemence's problems which he doesnt share cause he knows nobody could ever have gone through it... hmm.

cried over the phone with my youth leader, exactly 1 week ago...
speaking to my pastor did help a lot too... and yes, this 2 people are the only ones i have told this latest issue to... not even the bb officers or my best of friends got to hear of it.. its downright top secret.. sorry to everyone, and still thanks for your prayers for my family.. i believe when God's time comes, and it is always right, things will clear itself up...
thats family.. there's still the loner thing going on in class... but yes, i have finally found a cure to that, I HAVE OVERCOMED FRIENDLY PROBLEMS!! here's how.

i used to think, "with god, you dont need anyone else" is just a lie, a selfish lie to make you draw away from friends. but the truth is there, even within christian friends, sometimes they arent always there for you... my friend paul, he's dead now. but he constantly talked to his fellow christian friends over letters that are in the bible... i wonder how many of these are his closest friends? the ones who know him inside out?
the truth is, its not about others knowing you.. its about how much u wanna know about others... giving, is receiving... *chiminology.

cca wise... today was bittersweet. phototaking was painful... but well, i guess dinner and soccer made up for it. though soccer was a bit dry, but alex and alden's friends were pretty fun too. missed out on the afternoon's one, 1stly, no mood. after a maths. 2ndly, had to grab my uniform...

academically...
the 4th time i got disappointed with Amaths... i cant believe how much effort i can actually put/waste on this, and still poof. same feeling as sec3. same feeling as the 23.5 mid years. same feeling as the 23.5 mock test. wth, this is to you, amath.

dear Amath,
i have no idea why you and i cant click properly...
sometimes you appear to be supporting me and giving me sparks of hope whenever i get you right.
and then after every exam u leave me alone, feeling like i dont deserve your friendship... wth is going on, are we destined for each other? each time i fail or cant get the concept right... i'm always caught between trying to know more and understand you better, and yet i also feel tired and that i wanna give you up totally...
but no, the problem's not with you. others can score good marks with you. and yet i cant... what exactly is my problem? issit cause i never spend enough time with you, or i fail to fully understand you??
i'm sorry, labelling you as my favourite subject must be an insult to you. but somehow i feel more inclined towards you as towards physics, even bio...
you are the one that gives me the challenge in school... though yes you have been one of the root causes of lotsa emoing. but all the more i wanna push for you for the Os...
dear amath, i will not give up on you...

love, keith.

what a recyclable letter.. i should write for you again sometime...

2007-07-31T03:29:00.000-07:00

that blew it, totally.

while i tried controlling it in, staying alone to stay safe... i considered every possibility, how i could have reacted. i had my actions in my hands...
on one part, it was "okay, im pissed. i'm just gonna walk in, i dont even know how to face my friends... take the merit stuff and f off, easy."
the other was "its okay keith, u have done ur best and ur gonna smile as u walk on stage, comon! its merit and ur the one representing the rest of bb for it.. what's wrong? why are u sulking?"

i claim reason not to be happy... i tried really hard to talk myself out of it, saying "look, its certain. its in black and white, u suck. u dont deserve this award u know?"
but the thing is i dont suck! i've done a lot... even if ppl dun outwardly see it... i'm not a bad guy? its okay, mr tan spoke to me already... he gave me a reason why, and i realised my flaws myself... i accepted it...

but acceptance was just part 1, there was the whole rehearsal to go through...
seeing the other dudes' pics up there, and mine could have been to... it was totally painful. i took bb as seriously as any of them, if not more... and i loved it even though handling the company was tough, even though i sucked at soccer but i still played... even though u can lotsa backlash, even though u arent in the dover clique.

and yet, due to external factors out of bb, i didnt get my award. heck, not that we got founders' either...
there's nothing good about bb for me to keep and bring home, even years after O levels...
memories? lots of them have turned sour...
if nothing is done, will going back to serve make a difference?

emo. emo enough to make a new skin, aww heck about the study scheme, who gives a shit when u have totally no mood? i dont feel like it! not every human can pick themselves up so fast...
why am i blogging? the world doesn view my blog, maybe some close friends... but i'm not justifying myself, i just need to release this grieviance... releasing stuff that no one will take seriously cause they know who i am.
sorry daniel, sorry wenjie... this isnt as easy to swallow as any other events like mid years or bb farewell... its rly the end of the 4 years... and while u left with good impressions, high ranks, founders' for enping... its rly nothing worth remembering for me...

everything i did in bb, nothing was at its top. drill, pumpings, PT.. even handling juniors, no i'm not a natural leader... could it be a fluke? or was it just cause i was a GOOD FRIEND to the other leaders?
"the reason we picked you was because you 5 are very much closely knitted... and we dont want a repeat of the previous batch"-mr tan
"hey... do u really think i'm capable enough to be a cos? -me, 1 year ago.
"yes... u can." -wenjie. 1 year ago.
"hmm... okay... well, at least i know if i cant handle, i'll have you guys with me!"-me again.

lots of past memories flooding back, how we literally grew up together with others like sheow en, mr tiong... how we hiked and suffered, as well as when i scored my first goal and u guys hi-5ing me cause i never did before..
its crazy to see ur budds making it but ur left behind... imagine what the juniors will say.
but what the hell, why am i caring about what they say??

this is after all, an award... going on stage to get ur fruits of ur labour, but still
why make me take the merit? its so torturous, it hurts all the way in.
have u ever felt miserable to the point of vomitting and having stomachaches...
when u'd love to force a smile but u know you'll cry doing so, cause its too fake hiding your real feelings...

as the names were called, one by one, all my good friends went up to "take" their awards. any moment then, it could have been tears, it could have been me walking out to cry... but i kept it in... and suddenly i felt strong, like no one could have underwent what i went through...
i'm struggling with my decisions, my thoughts, even my faith...

maybe i have not seen His plan yet... maybe this is punishment... but its really very painful..
yes, u provided a period of peace for me during the worship, and i gotts say its the best worship i ever had cause i was tearing. and yet, u provided a stop to the tears, maybe cause u cared about how i'd look in front of my other peers? u provided an extension for my Amaths death test, maybe cause u knew this was coming and i wont be able to study??
dear lord jesus, u have always provided... but taking away my pride and joy, forcing me under this torment,
how will u provide a way out for me this time?
i felt better, and i smiled though i had no reason to after the rehearsal, but the facts remain...
they say all we need is you.. help me to really rely on you this time lord, no one, nothing but you.
some ppl have it all, girls, happiness, gung-ho spirits... some are just beaten. but keep true to your word, for u said "blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven" what seperates me for leading a popular, fun life? issit being true to myself, or trying to do the right thing all the time?
in all these things, help me follow u, and i know my future will be taken care of.
but for now, please provide...
maybe i need company or the slightest hint of care. maybe i just need something to fill me so i dont feel like puking...

self esteem and courage to face tomorrow... face my friends... and hold back my tears, i dont wanna release everything out and blow up again...

everytime i get emo, i look at the knife-cum-bottle opener keychain thats on my pencil box, and consider whether the situation was worth cutting over. though i never did that before... i suddenly hated myself a lot... though god cares and loves, but faith doesn work without actions, and i failed myself terribly in that sense...
and i doubt i'd feel lotsa pain even if i really did, cause an emotional injury numbs every other part with its pain..
emo music will complete the decision, but i will refrain from anything today. i will just go into my room and throw all my sharp objects out.

flood me with ur spirit...
lift me up.

2007-07-26T00:07:00.000-07:00

today's extreme emo feelings and sick weather totally calls for a post, finally...

i just had to screw it up, when everything was going well.
when God leaves you, so does everyone else... not physically, but its all in your head and you know it.

started school pretty excited, sleeping at 1230 was pretty early already, so left home with quite a bundle of energy. was downstairs outside the 4E locker, standing around like some toot when fern shu wenjie and someone else were sitting on the chair.. then went up, but didnt linger. came back down immediately.
was talking with shu, then i said something casual about "i feel damn unwanted... lol" when they were sitting on the chair and there wasnt any space haha. but then i thought again to myself "upstairs i'm also unwanted anyway".
that began the emo day.

somehow brushed it aside as i was in geog, cause of joel la, u bugger. and english was fun as usual... but in chinese, i noticed something so out.

OBVIOUSLY, so obviously, you were emoing as well. u didnt have to tell anyone or rant or scream to express anything, its just obvious... and i looked at you, and maybe you looked back, but i wasnt sure. and i thought "no one's talking to him/her... even though he/she has great friends. he/she must have been thinking about his/her friends again."

then i related it back to myself, upon my own life. come to think about it, we are pretty much alike. we outcast ourselves, and when shown even the slightest hint of kindness, we choose to ignore it.

during recess you were alone again, and i thought i'd say something to you, so i asked if u were okay. obviously, being in that state, you said u were ok and turned away.
you might as well say "i'm better without you"...
but i understand, fully understand.

during recess, i thought why do i feel hurt when you are down? why do i even feel this uselessness in me that i cant do anything for you?
i felt like a good guy then, being so maganimous. wadever bull.
----------------------------------------------------------------

after that came the national day thing, where we were supposed to find partners and stuff. obviously, i was left alone again with no one to partner...
maybe its just suay that i didnt ask anyone earlier or made my move first,

or maybe i really wasnt important at all...

i brushed the morning's chain of thoughts aside, but i couldnt for the afternoon's affairs...

then i looked at you, you were smiling again, with your partner you were pleased. joking and laughing, instantly i felt much better for you.

but i myself was hurt this time.

forget it, its my fault for screwing up my own life, i'm already being saved by grace.

i really wanna brush everything, and i mean EVERYTHING, aside. that has already been done for my guitar and amp... next will be the stereo, the TV. but the com cannot, cause my family needs to use it...
maybe i'll even brush aside and friendly outing invitations, and even friends.
i just wanna focus, after this week it'll be only 3 more weeks wtp. and i havent done a shit.

screw it, i'm back to square one. the defeated, lonely, self condemning scum of the class.
unwanted, rejected, i really wish i could carve out a path alone...
but i know its not possible.

caught in this in-between act of fakeness,
choose one, happy or sad.

2007-07-01T09:46:00.000-07:00

create in me a new heart..... for like the 20th thousandth time???

this week's been very cold, with 3 events giving me sleepless nights, headaches and bad blood.

about the miss ong incident, i dont wish to post anything about it. i was pissed off, with a RIGHT reason. she was angry, but she didnt understand... now if ur thinking i'm crapping, it'd be better to ask, i'll surely enlighten you.

the truth hurts, the truth sounds very lame. the truth will injure others, but i'm happy i remained calm, holding on to God though i was ready to kill someone.

thats for the 1st incident on physics tys hw...
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2nd one was when miss ong, YES, after that day, she called me up to ASK about the guitar that we brought to vietnam... i was rly tired and pissed.. with enping and YC at macs, (thank God for their company..XD)
she said it went missing, and i was like WTH, one event after another. blahblahblah, we nearly had to pay for it, when all of a sudden pop song yang found it in the lvl2 classroom and we were all so relieved. actually, i wasnt so relieved, cause i was still overly pissed whenever i see her.

thank god too for that, if not i would have blown... that will be 200+ bucks divided by 4 ppl... hmm.

--------------------------------------------------------------

3rd event... english lesson on friday.
it should be pretty obvious if ur in the F band, and miss wong had to bring up the incident... i swear it was deliberate. i have ppl to testify for me as well....
i lost all my cool when she picked on me 3 times and after that said "well its really too early to be drunk"
at that point i finally raised my voice back at her. wadever la, she said other statements about me being "not repentant" "can carry on drinking la?" "look at your face, you dont even look sorry"
sorry hor, i'm really sorry for myself. being stuck in a non aircon classroom with you.

somehow, i dun feel so pissed cause in my head she has been labelled "mad". i cant find a reason for complaining to the school about her, cause she always gets her way. 50+ and menapausing.. haiya give her la. mad means mad.
there was a staring incident when i looked directly at her with eyes that could kill. it was pretty long, i guess about 30seconds? when every second i felt my heart rate beat faster and my body tensing up..

i thought at that point "shit, if i continue i will surely stand up and throw my chair at her, that wont be what is good" then i did something very cowardly... i looked away and pretended nothing happened...

though i thought i let myself down at that point, after english there were ppl who told me it was her fault, and they were also wishing i didnt throw anything at her, cause it would mean greater trouble.
as i went home, i reviewed on my actions... at least i didnt do anything physical... i know it was sinning already to talk back to her, what for defend myself?? (with thanks to eric) why do i need the world to know i'm innocent? just let her humtam la.

that will be my next challenge.. to see if i can put up without saying a thing on her next personal attack...

meanwhile, i'll just try to focus for english, and PHYSICS.
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my tough week was really rewarded by my weekends, which i have decided to spam cause there's monday to finish up work. would have been better with soccer instead of tuition though...

bought my AMP from sweelee sale!! 426 become 212.. power right. roland cube20x... wanted the 30x though, but it was too expensive...
got it for jingming too, cabbing to church with 2 amps...
a pink tortoise pick for joysim...
a FINS pick for joyeo's ex bday present (YES I KNOW I"M BUDGET)
a BOSS super overdrive at 55 bucks instead of 100+
some strings
overall, queued from 11 to 2pm to get in, and 1 hour more for the payment... really cool, all the pedals i wanted were wiped out (MY BOSS DS-1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

after tt, cabbed to church for meeting... wasnt really discussing about my area so i didnt really get to chip in much...
then dinner with dil trace and jan... they are cute ppl, esp dil nowadays.
haha 2 pepsis, 2 amps and 2 chicken thighs. great things come in pairs...

freak la raging hormones again, after the movie transformers with church ppl again today... cant stand it, mmust go commit to God again...

a new heart, for those who have hardened their hearts. PASTOR WAS TALKING TO ME.
i have surely hardened my heart.. after betrayals, distancing, lies and clique- business... have i lost the love for those around me? avoiding ppl?

i gotta pray and get my heart back, my heart for God, for the ppl around me, even if they dont care or give a shit... i really gotta give my best...
YES, I WILL. i promise to love...
fire for the CG's coming back, will discuss with ian again....

also, will take a step up in my disciplines... if not how to be an example? (though i know i have already screwed up too much... there must be a point when we get back up...)
keep loving, leave the rest to God,

He will provide everything.

2007-06-21T19:48:00.000-07:00

re living memories

june hols has come and passed like a year had gone by... many things have really changed.. as i look back, no, not back into the p school days or sec1 days... but just back into last year, i realised things have rly changed...

yesterday when i borrowed the key from mr chua and opened the council room, he mentioned about it being an EVIL DEED. though i know he was joking, but i felt pretty bad as well... its so different, when
you once had the key to the bb room, but now u dont...
you once had some control, and now you dont...
you have the bb room key once again, but ur opening a different door...

really made me feel like.. bb is over, all over again. just like after farewell...

standing at the balcony, looking down at the guys and waving to lijia, i really felt like i lost a huge part of me, and the boys all growing and moving on whereas i'm still stuck back there. i really miss sec2 bb days when we just run around blindly and aimlessly, as well as sec3 when we went through the pressure of not being able to do much though we're coses...

tagged at alvin's board, and he replied with something... pretty hurting, though he most prob didnt mean it that way... makes me feel so out...
did i choose not to take part in LDC?? yeah... but i had a reason, and its pretty obvious... but i always want to be part of u all. its just... i missed it la, so too bad lor...

reply to alvin's tag: yep, and i'm not sure if i'm ever gonna join u all doing the things u do again...

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raging hormones have recently gotten lotsa hold on me, not sure if its a good or bad thing, since it keeps me from emoing.
i always think of you whenever i look up into the sky and its star-less, moon-less. i have no idea why... issit because when i was younger i used to do that and think of you? plus listening to songs like "sleeping with the lights on" and "here without you" and "perfect" everything just floods back in...
you never used to talk to me at all, but now u can so simply say hi... i'm glad, but arh. caught in between again. just thought if u could treat me like that last time... wadever, so long alr...

-------------------------
back to friendly issues, i'm so much happier i can finally talk openly with the dude, makes my relationship life almost complete! but, as i've learned, i will continue not to emphasize that much into relationships already... life goes on again for me, wooo. i'm feeling freeier then ever, just being hi and bye friends... isnt always a bad thing...
-----------------------------------------

this hols, ended up not as good as i thought.. though i caught up on guitar stuff, but i failed to join wen, nat and gang for soccer... twice already... once cause of tuition and once cause of the vietnam outing. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

basketball with the old gang is unconfirmed... doubt torsten can make it this sat... ahhhhhhhhh

outing with the usual gang is also off... cause of RND stuff... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

on a positive note, s2e really helped... and do i look like i care when ppl give me that* look when i tell them i'm in s2e... freak off la... let me study in peace can? triple science cannot go into s2e arh, not happy arh...
learned more guitar stuff with my youth leader, and jammed after worshipp prac.. another session tmr!
vietnam outing was good, learned how to iceskate on first try, and bbq was great too. made good friends with isaac luke also.. they are nice ppl.. ahhaha.
ARH GTG BB
*

that was officially 14 hours ago when i had to rush off to rnd, surprisingly, it was really fun... had a good experience wearing the blazers and acting prestigeous... hahaha. taking lame shots... (last time i remembered it was with miss lui and science club ppl at National junior robotics competition! and guess what? FERN WAS THERE AS WELL!! p5 okay!!)
no habit of posting pics, so well too bad.

turns out that basketball gang is almost over... no one replied except xh, and i doubt we'll ever touch a basketball til the year ends... even so, who knows what will happen to relationships that have not been touched for a year?

i remember someone telling me this, it should be rather distinct...
we decide on which friends will last, and which will not... u'll know it in your heart. and when u know its not worth investing time in them, then let them go, u cant have friends by your side all your life...

instead of taking MY ORIGINAL approach to trying my best to be everyone's friend, i've chosen another friend's perspective... it should be obvious too....
i've decided "since their gonna go, then i might as well let everyone go now" which makes perfect sense, since everyone's gonna go eventually... its what's eternal that counts...
but of course, your friends are still there... those that say hi, give a nice smile and help you IF they can.. i'm not saying they are bad, but face it, theres no true friend there for u... but one.

one.

are you expecting too much from me? if thats the case, then i should forget about you too.
and i mean you, or everyone. reading my post.
and trust me, when i've decided to forget about you, it wont be very obvious to you...

you wont even think its hitting you.

snake+apple+keith and views

2007-06-06T00:29:00.000-07:00

snake vs apple vs me

before i start, read genesis 3:1-19

¹ Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the LORD God had made. He said to the woman, "Did God really say, 'You must not eat from any tree in the garden'?"

² The woman said to the serpent, "We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, ³ but God did say, 'You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.' "

the serpent was just an animal under God. but he was crafty. a bad influence. he provoked eve by asking that question. however, eve was tough. she replied back with what God told her. she claimed it that she shouldnt have eaten the fruit.

⁴ "You will not certainly die," the serpent said to the woman. ⁵ "For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil."

the serpent made a 2nd attempt to tempt eve, showing her the good sides of eating the fruit. but who was the serpent? wasnt he just another voice? everyone heard him... but why did eve follow?

⁶ When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. ⁷ Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.

eve didnt get tempted by the snake. she knew all along what the fruit will provide. she knew the good side and it tempted her even before the snake came into place. however the snake evoked thoughts which fired up a decision.
who decided to eat the fruit? eve or the snake? what was the purpose? taste or knowledge? it was both. eve saw the fruit as good for food (nice to taste) and (nice to see). but she desired the after effects. she desired knowledge. so she ate it.
even AFTER she ate it, her eyes werent open! it was AFTER she gave the fruit to adam that BOTH their eyes were open... they didnt know about the effects of the fruit... they didnt know specifically what they will get. but, they knew God forbade it. And they breached the law.

⁸ Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the LORD God among the trees of the garden.

⁹ But the LORD God called to the man, "Where are you?"

¹⁰ He answered, "I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid."

what difference does it make if adam went to look for God instead? in the end, God would have still found him, no matter what happened. Because God cares, and God loves us, even if we made a wrong choice. God will punish us too, even if it hurts him.
notice upon questioning, adam immediately said " I was afraid because I was naked" and not "i was afraid because i ate the fruit". he chose to try and save himself by changing the centre of focus.

¹¹ And he said, "Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?"

¹² The man said, "The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it."

¹³ Then the LORD God said to the woman, "What is this you have done?"
The woman said, "The serpent deceived me, and I ate."

God questioned further, and Adam immediately pushed the blame to eve. oh nono it was that woman you gave me. and i ate the fruit. Adam ate it out of his own accord as well. he ate it without thinking about anything else. and now because eve was the one who gave it to him, he had to drag her down with him.

eve then dragged the serpent into the picture, but once again, it was her who ate it. the serpent invoked thoughts... she tried to stop him, and she may have been more towards the NO side, but she still ate it. she desired for it. it tastes good, it looks good and it makes her clever. could she have resisted it???

after that, God punished all 3 characters, all evenly. why? cause they were ALL WRONG. he spared no mercy in whacking all of them up. no amount of blaming, changing the subject would have saved their asses. Did God tell them not to eat? yes he did. Did adam and eve know they weren't suppose to eat? yeah they did.

why did they eat? because of the snake? no it wasnt. they chose to eat. whether it was taste, looks good, or knowledge, or all 3, they have disobeyed God.

was it a minor sin to them before they ate? maybe. was it a really small issue? nothing much? maybe. did they feel they were still innocent? maybe. Did they disobey God? YES.

did they get what they deserve? their consequences further ahead in verses 14-19?

did they regret what they did? was their punishment too much?

was God being unfair? NO. he has never been unfair. he has always been faithful.

what was done cannot be undone. they could never have entered the garden of eden again. they have to live in disgusting conditions, out of a nice place forever. life goes on again.

if you were adam, would u blame God for finding out and taking away your privilleges?

if you were adam, would you have been sorry?

Or, would u have thought it was such a lousy decision, God shouldnt have punished me for taking that bite. see, eve put it in front of me, i didnt pluck it!!

sorry Adam, u ate it. now you die.

And after you're punished, God's still there for you. you rise up again, back to where u were and worked hard again. you had kids, now isnt that nice. if there was another nice fruit in front of you, will you eat it? no. because you know how wrong it is, you know you sinned.

did God destroy adam and eve and the evil world? no... infact, the bible had just begun. this showed God's plan, even though he allowed adam and eve to sin.

the life in the desert has just begun.